4.8 Taste the Explosion

AND WE’RE BACK with another instalment of “We could be on Generation 8 by now but Sam is a lame-o storyteller so let us waste time and frolic.”

It’s a fine day for frolicking, with the sun in the sky and the azaleas in bloom and the world’s dumbest roommates canoodling in the background.

Garrison: I’ll kiss anything that breathes.

Tammy: I make drama for kicks.

Garrison: Let us tango.

Lev: God, I really can’t get away from it.

The twins rarely see each other these days, and when they do it’s awkwardly in passing and a complete accident if I pause in time to catch it.

Lev: By the way, Garrison’s cheating on you.

Drachma: Who’s Garrison?

Since Lev is out for an Arts degree, and it doesn’t take any work to get one of those, she spends all her time out and about, soaking up the local character.

Helmet Guy: Clip clop, I’m a horse!

Meanwhile, Twin #2 has had a change of heart about her own major.

Drachma: Running is good for the soul!

I shudder to think what Balboa’s been giving her.

I also shudder to think what put this look on Lira’s face.

Lira: The Grinch got a wonderful, awful idea…

Okay, stop narrating your demented inner thoughts and—

RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!

My bad, I guess I’m safe behind the camera. I get caught up in the action sometimes.

Omg Malissa what are you doing??!

Lira: Duck! Duck!

Lira: GOOSE!

Tell me you didn’t just wander into a fireball so that you were in perfect position to clean up after it.

Malissa: Can’t resist anything shaped like a mushroom.

Great, we’ve got a family full of druggies now.

Not that I’m complaining when Boa’s Invigorating Elixir keeps Drachma in tip-top shape, eliminating the need for sleep from her busy schedule!

Drachma: I feel great!

Side effects possible, batteries not included.

In fact, Drachma’s so busy that the charming Garrison seems to give up on her. And on Bitchface Tammy too.

Garrison: Nah man, I’m trying to make her jealous.

Ye: Oh. So what am I, the next-door neighbour?

Actually, yes.

Hearts are flying everywhere all the time at Sims University. Even Lev’s getting a taste of romance!

Lev: I think I’m falling for you.

Kaz: Uh, yeah, okay.

Lev: So what’s your favourite—

Kaz: Time to eat.

Tammy: Wow, you’re a real sweet talker.

The guy wasn’t lying when he said he was hungry.

Kaz: Tonight we roast a whole antelope!

Lev: I’m coming, my lovely!

Quick, break it off before he inducts you into his Satanic worship circle.

This beautiful party guest started cooking mac and cheese, causing everyone to immediately cue up “Ask to Behave.” I’m sorry, but if someone came to my house and cooked KD for me, I’d be more likely to erect a shrine for them.

That said, not all party faux-pas are equal.

Lev: Gee, I’m REALLY tired. Aren’t you guys tired?

Lev: Seriously, it’s five in the morning.

Billie Jean: Oh my god, I know this great little cafe for poetry readings with the most divine quinoa loaf!

Lev: I give up.

Tammy: You think you can kick out my guests, huh? You think you run the show around here?

Lev: Will this night ever end!

Lev: You know what, Tammy? You go ahead and wear the pants. In fact, you can wear the shirt too. Vertically distinct clothes are overrated.

Tammy: Well it’s no fun if you just give up.

Believe it or not, Drachma’s the earliest riser in the house these days. Must be something in the cereal I don’t know about.

Drachma: Noooooo…

Gosh, there’s a lot of fire in this chapter.

Lira: Smoke tastes icky!

Lira: You know I had a thought

   

SAVE YOURSELF FIRST, MORON.

When her butt was safely extinguished, I let her at it. Scrap doesn’t come cheap, you know.

Lira: I know you’re there, peeping tom.

Garrison: Actually, you’re in the men’s bathroom.

Lira: You saw nothing.

Nice try, honey, but it’s a little more than broken…

Might have to say the same for Malissa’s face if she keeps trying to “bond” with the family over extreme sports.

Lev: This is an extreme sport?

If you’re seeing quadruple, yes.

Talk about peeping toms! Florin, I’m staging an intervention. It’s time to get over this little schoolboy crush on your brother’s wife.

Oh, I guess he was just “looking pensively out the window while lamenting the decline of Mother Nature” or something like that.

Florin (blogging): Green is teh new black. Save teh planet. Lolz.

Sorry pal, it looks like black is “teh” new green. First the dining room, next the world.

Tammy: Thank god you’re here. Things are getting out of hand. Stupid roomies won’t stick to the cleaning schedule, you know?

Maid: Girl, do you even go to school?

I got a pop-up saying Drachma was getting sick. That won’t do.

Balboa: Here, an extra dose of Straight-A potion! Go get ‘em, sister!

Drachma: A day off would done just as well, you know.

Tammy: What was that?

Boa: DERRR. NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL.

Drachma: Drugs.

Tammy: Gonna bust you Langurds so hard.

Lira: What are you doing, Garrison?

Odin: Playing video games. Bitches love video games.

Lira: You mean Drachma loves video games.

Odin: Did I say that?

Malissa might be the only one around here who actually gets along with Tammy. That, or she has a really weird addiction to playing catch.

Tammy: Don’t you regret getting married before you’d seen what college guys were like?

Malissa: Nah, of course not. Balboa’s as mature as they come.

Balboa: BEETLES!

Malissa: Love of my life.

OR IS HE? This took me completely by surprise… until I remembered that she cheated on her last boyfriend to get with Boa, and that’s probably what this is about.

What are you smirking at, loser?

Oh, he’s actually accomplishing stuff! You go, turdface!

*reads closer*

Well, shit. He just gained the power to make his own girlfriend.

Lira: I could just make him a girlfriend out of this broken clay pot.

Let’s stop there, okay?

Balboa: YOU! Stay away from my wife, you witch! Stop playing games with her addled mind!

Tammy: I LOVED YOU

Boa: Wtf?

What do you know, apparently Boa’s accusation wasn’t just figurative. This explains a lot, actually.

But jealousy is the root of all animosity… and Boa proceeded to roll this bad boy.

 

Followed by this one.

Leaving him with four big wishes locked in. This guy knows what he wants.

(The first one is “Become a Supernatural.” It’s worth more than the Witches’ Brew wish, and he’ll have to do both anyway.)

Besides, we thought we’d see if the alchemy store could spare us the trouble.

Balboa: What do you have that can give me magical powers?

Cashier: There’s no such thing as magic.

Balboa: But you literally work in a magic store?

Cashier: No.

Well, there was no Witches’ Brew, but he did find a pack of extra strength Red Bull…

…to give Lev wings, thereby turning her into a flying seal a fairy!

Lev: Sweet! I have approximately 30% of a fairytale romance now.

But seriously, most awkward pose ever.

It may shock you to hear that Malissa and Lira still don’t see eye to eye.

Lira: Diamonds are a girl’s best friend!

Malissa: That’s because you haven’t tried the punch.

Their philosophies are a little different, but I think they can agree on the importance of recycling. Three tables and a toilet stall live on in this toy cow.

Witness Florin embracing the spirit of frolicking.

Florin: Instagram this shit!

No.

Florin: Please!

Fine.

Balboa: What’s the matter, Tammy? Don’t like being outnumbered?

Tammy: You broke my heart! *sob*

I don’t get it. Did she seriously think that a married man was going to—

MALISSA! D:

Garrison: Ew wait, you’re married!

Now there’s some common sense that is totally misplaced in a legacy like this one.

Lev: Hey Drachma!

Drachma: Hhuuuunnggh?

Lev: Over here!

Drachma: Wwhhheeeuuugh?

Lev: To the left, dummy!

Drachma: Whooooaaaa.

Lev: But seriously, how high are you right now?

Drachma: Yes

Who would’ve thought that two heirs so different could possibly have a common interest? Lira built this fancy thingamadigger, and since she has no use for it, she handed it off to Boa for collecting alchemy ingredients. Unfortunately, EA picked this one area of all things to go overboard on the realism.

Drachma: This is a university! No miners allowed!

#badpuns

But Balboa had already disturbed the soil, and out popped a bunch of disgruntled zombies. Among them was Stephen Brackney, Katana’s old flame.

Stephen: Luke, I am might have been your father!

Malissa: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms spaghetti… there’s vomit on his spaghetti… mom’s spaghetti…

Bystanders: MAKE IT STOP!

Turns out Malissa is a really boring Sim to play. I know it’s partly because I’ve barely invested any thought in her personality, but still, she lends herself to vacant idiocies and that’s about it.

I started buying her things to see if they would spark a character epiphany, but I just got more of the same.

Malissa: Check it out, I’m using my nose as a fourth finger!

Yes because you only had three.

What a fine time to remember I haven’t even done a proper bio for her! Malissa Langurd (nee Newbie) is the Riverview-born daughter of Robert and Mags Newbie. She is a Friendly and Easily Impressed Cat Person who sleeps a lot and is Never Nude. She came to us with a solid $1,892 in crack change and a book called Game of Thorns in her inventory. She enjoys Firecracker Shrimp and R&B music, and like our founder and our last heiress, her favourite colour is orange. She is a whole day younger than her childhood sweetheart Balboa.

However, if this keeps up, we might have to kick her to the curb.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Possibly the most useless chapter ever. This is almost physically painful, but I’m also neurotic about using all my chosen screenshots because I get attached to the little buggers.

Since I feel bad about how slowly things are going, I’m going to do something I never do and drop some pretty big spoilers…

Just a little taste of what’s to come. 😉

Happy Simming!

-Sam