5.3 Procrastinate Now

Ah, my philosophy of life! I’m afraid I’ve made the title scheme painfully obvious for this generation, but I can’t ALWAYS be cryptic. Or should I say… explicitly ambiguous? 😉

Last time, stuff happened! Oh, you want specifics? Erm… I wrote that post yesterday and already, all I remember is that a baby was born.

Little Omen the alien genius! Behold the first green-on-green-on-green shot of him, and let it burn into your retinas because it will likely be the last.

Fun fact: I haven’t caught him with his eyes open yet. It’s because he’s secretly Brock from Pokémon.

This is Tariq Scott. Mandrake met him while busking at the park, and with Rickey no longer in the picture, I think they would make adorable babies.

Tariq: That escalated quickly.

Mandrake: Don’t mind my family. Things can get a bit weird around here.

Tariq: Oh really? How so?

Mandrake: Well, my cousin Gumby is an alien. My Aunt Lira built an igloo with one and that’s how he was born. He also has a ghost for a girlfriend and a weird business deal with the Grim Reaper.

Mandrake: Skydancer, she’s the normal one. Just a plain old fairy.

Tariq: Sure, some people are Sagittarians, some people can fly.

Mandrake: But her father is a robot.

Tariq: Her father is a robot?

Mandrake: Yes.

Tariq: Shit man, we gotta get you outta here.

(Tariq is actually married, but I don’t know why I bother mentioning that anymore since it apparently doesn’t stop these guys.)

Lira: I suppose it is kind of icky if you’re not used to it.

Buzz: But you’ve always said a metal man is the only real man!

Lira: I meant Dax’s face. Wait, what are you talking about?

Under a sorrowful rain, I regret to inform you that…

…after an impressive run of about 250 beans…

…Balboa finally fell prey to the odds…

…and was struck down by the love of his life, the jelly bean bush.

Grim: You’ve gotta be kidding me.

Flash of white light: STOP RIGHT THERE, GRIM!

Gumby: This is my job now! I won it fair and square!

Grim: Because you slapped me with a bag of feathers? Get the fuck out of here, kid.

Gumby: Okay.

Grim: You are dead.

Paparazzi: Me???!

Grim: No, him— FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, PEOPLE.

Grim: You realize there are other people dying in the world, right? I can’t be here ALL THE TIME. Hey, next time you knock on my door, maybe I just won’t answer. How does that sound?

Boa: Please, sir, I just want to see my wife again.

Grim: To hell with that.

Boa: Does this mean I get to eat more jelly beans?!

Grim: …I quit.

Gumby: Soooo… Can I have his job now?

Your chances aren’t looking good.

Axorn: HERE FOR YOU BRO.

Poor Frieda’s just sitting over here, thinking she’s got Queen of the Underworld in the bag. Gumby, how are you going to tell her that you guys need to embrace a simpler lifestyle? D:

Frieda: Gold-crusted tea leaves fertilized with panda dung… don’t mind if I do!

Sky: Hey, why didn’t I get the cool loft room? I’m a fairy!

You’re right, that would’ve been smart. But hey, guess who’s not smart? XD

Sky: You?

Wrong! The correct answer was “your face.”

Despite all she has to put up with around here, and despite her penchant for fire and thievery, Sky really does have a good heart.

Skydancer: You poor little thing. When you’re older, I’ll be your stylist and you’ll never clash so disgustingly again.

That’s right, Fairy Godmother Skydancer to the rescue.

Lira: I just did something HORRIBLE…

What was it?

Lira:I… don’t remember.

Old age is really getting to this one.

At this point, I was starting to worry about how much time was passing and how little everyone had accomplished. Which isn’t entirely fair, since Frumby (Grieda?) broke the Langurd record by procreating in Chapter 2. However, we’re a long way off getting any more house space, what with my decision to give the spares their day in the sun.

So I sent everyone on a trip to buy some time!

Everyone: No thanks, we’re good.

Am I the only one excited about this? World Adventures is so nostalgic now! When I heard the China music, I started seeing in black and white.

Sadly, SOMEBODY had to stay home and babysit because you can’t travel while you’re high. Good to know.

Skydancer is supposed to accomplish “Magic Makeover” before she moves out. Her goal for the trip? Pump up those fairy powers!

Frieda: Oh, what a lovely trick! A-plus!

Skydancer: What sort of counterspell do you have up your sleeve, huh?

Gumby: Sky, be nice to my fiancée. You two are going to be sisters soon.

Skydancer: You’re marrying my brother??!

Frieda: OH GOD I’M MARRYING YOUR BROTHER!

Skydancer: You poor thing, come here.

Frieda: Aren’t I just.

Don’t look so dejected, Gumby. At least they’re bonding!

I thought Mandrake could try his talents on a foreign audience, see if they might be better received internationally. But the game must be onto my stalling tactics; you can’t “Perform for Tips” while on vacation.

There is one other thing he can work on.

Mandrake: Hey, Tariq! I’m in China! I thought everything would be upside-down over here, but Gumby still has a girlfriend and no one appreciates my miming. I’m just gonna talk to you all week instead. Roaming charges? What are those?

Skydancer went swimming in the marketplace fountain as per tradition. Then, she stumbled upon the Lus. They’re just the perfect little family with kids who get along great and parents who are very much in love. In other words, the Langurds’ worst enemies.

Skydancer: But they’re so lovely!

Yeah but you’re not a real Langurd, are you?

Skydancer: Greetings, Lu family! I am your fairy godmother!

Jiannan: My children don’t believe in fairies.

Liu: Daddy, that woman is flying!

Jiang: That’s, uh, that’s because she’s on drugs. Drugs are bad.

Skydancer: Don’t believe, huh? How about now?

Jiannan: I don’t get it. Why are you shoving snowflakes up my nose?

Skydancer: Because you’re a frigid bitch!

Jiannan: Hahahahahahaha! Get away from me!

Skydancer: Hey kid, how about some magic?

Liu: Magic isn’t real! Drugs are bad!

Liu: *FART*

Jiannan (from table): Life is a lie, Liu.

Gumby and Frieda both wanted to see the Terracotta Army, so I thought they could make a date of it. Unfortunately, traversing mountainous terrain as a ghost is no mean feat.

Gumby (texting): Hey, why aren’t you here yet? Hurry, I’ve already rolled a wish to learn this tourist’s sign!

Near sunset, she finally came floating up the hillside. It looked sort of ceremonial, like she was walking down the aisle or something, so I thought — why don’t they just get married?

Here comes the bride, all dressed in— GUMBY PUT DOWN THE PHONE.

Gumby: Aww, but Tetris!

So they had a private ceremony in front of horses and men, dishonouring the tomb of Emperor Qin Shi Huang, and it could not have been more perfect.

Frieda: Well, they could be made of gold.

Frieda: So could these rings. Jeez, Gumby, was this the right place to cut corners?

Gumby: But Ring Pops are cheap and stylish!

Frieda: We are going to have massive marital issues.

You may now kiss the bride!

Army guys: *quiet tears*

Immediately afterward, they shared an autonomous “Friendly Hug.”

Followed by an autonomous “Shaka Bra.” Trying to tell me something, guys?

Let’s try a dip kiss. That’s kind of your thing as a couple, right?

Frieda: Sure, it’s like our secret handshake!

They may as well be screaming “PLATONIC! PLATONIC!” at me.

Dat face, Frieda.

Gumby: What, don’t you trust me?

Frieda: Of course I do! This is a face of infantile wonder and delight! Now find me a defibrillator, please.

Gumby: Silly Frieda, you don’t need a defrillibigator! You’re already dead!

Frieda: Not to mention I’m a heartless bitch.

Gumby: That too!

Gumby: So hey, now that we’re hitched, I should probably tell you… I didn’t get that job I was hoping for. We’re going to be making some financial adjustments, maybe start eating out of cans.

Frieda: I want a divorce.

Love is in the air it seems. Mandrake spent all evening setting the mood for a young couple.

Mandrake: And break it down!

Deng: I wish this guy would pick a song and stick with it.

Mandrake: Hehehehe

Lira and Buzz also spent the day together. He played bass and she worked out in her winter coat. Typical.

Buzz: Wow, I sound good!

Lira: You’re my stereo, baby.

Unfortunately, she was actually talking to the stereo.

Buzz really is a diligent, upstanding guy. He even cleaned up what must have been a puddle of urine so that no one would slip and fall down a trillion stairs. :’)

Buzz: Wait, this is PEE?

 

Meanwhile, Lira spent some quality bonding time with her children.

Lira: Look at this picture of my grandson! Isn’t he the cutest thing?

Gumby: Mom, that’s my kid.

Lira: No, I don’t think so. Little Omen is green, you see.

Gumby: Mom, I’M green!

Lira: Well how about that. But who in the world would sleep with you?

Gumby: Mom!

Frieda: Well, this is awkward.

Skydancer: I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other brothers can’t deny…

Skydancer: …when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get—

Skydancer: Oh hi, mother, didn’t see you there!

Lira: Nice dance moves! Not!

Skydancer: You didn’t see a thing!

Lira: Let’s face it, I’ll probably forget this by tomorrow anyway!

Skydancer: Oh, stop! You’re too much!

Lira: Never change, my darling, you are perfect.

Skydancer: It’s because I’m a clone of you, isn’t it?

Lira: Yes. If only you were also evil…

Angel Lira and Demon Lira. Aren’t they precious?

Mandrake: Why did I even come on this trip? I’ve literally accomplished nothing.

Gumby: But you finished your breakfast, didn’tcha?

Mandrake: Oh yeah, I did do that.

Skydancer: Hey, big brother! Consider this my wedding present to you!

Gumby: I can fly! I’M PETER PAN!

Skydancer: Well gosh, don’t repay me with a kick to the face.

Gumby: Uh, Sky? How do I make these sparkles go away?

Skydancer: You don’t. You’re a pretty girl now.

Buzz: Say, how much do I gotta pay you under the table for one of those zodiac figurines?

Ai: Sorry, sir. They are not for sale.

Buzz: No really, I think you misunderstand me. I’m loaded you see.

Ai: And I think you misunderstand me, for I am not a mule to be bribed and broken! I will protect this store’s honour with my life!

Buzz: How about the dragon? You could part with the dragon, I bet.

Ai: No! It is my favourite!

Buzz: Your favourite? It would be a shame if something were to…

Buzz: …happen…

Buz: …to it.

Zhan: You’re under arrest!

So that’s what Buzz did for the rest of the trip. Frieda, meanwhile, was kind of floating from place to place (ha ha) when she discovered this rising star at the academy.

Frieda: The walls have ears!

Singer: And what beautiful ears they are!

Frieda: Sorry guy, I can’t tip you. My husband’s got a lockdown on our spending.

Singer: Must a capable lady like yourself answer to a man?

Frieda: Good point. Here’s $100.

Tourist: He swindled you too, eh?

The Gen. 5 kids have never spent much time together. Maybe because of their vastly different ages/parentage/personalities/hobbies. Never too late to make an effort, though! Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you two playing for the wrong colours?

Gumby: No, Skydancer is just REALLY GOOD.

Mandrake: Hey guys, when can I play?

Skydancer: When my Joker gets a Yahtzee on his Blackjack.

Mandrake: Cool, I’ll wait here!

Buzz and Lira took a shot at reviving the old band, the Tiddlywinks. Who knows, maybe they’ll be better received in China, too?

Buzz: We still got it, baby!

Lira: Hey, don’t break my drums!

Tourist: Don’t block my fridge.

Skydancer: My family is great.

Don’t tell anyone I said this, but… yeah, they kind of are.

Now go take a dive into this pile of shit.

Sky: This is so glamorous.

Fairy Repairs are a real nightmare to watch as a germophobe. I don’t care if it’s magic — you’re gonna need twenty showers when you come out of there.

Hey, remember how Mandrake used to be into fishing? Apparently he never picked up, like, any skill points.

Mandrake: I said ‘can I take you home with me?’

Koi: We said ‘never in your wildest dreams!’

And they danced all night to the best song ever.

Presenting my favourite “we hath returned” pile-up of all time.

Sometimes you don’t realize how bizarre this family is until you see them all in one place. And I mean literally standing on the same speck of dirt.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

That’s all for now!

Sorry nothing much happened in this one. I guess the title should have tipped you off. But don’t worry, I’ll call the next one something like “Do Stuff All the Time” or “Making Progress.” (Spoiler: That would kind of kill the theme.)

Happy Simming!

-Sam