8.4 Blow the Man Down

Now that’s what I’m talking about! Where has this productivity been for the last ten years? Of course I completely tanked the streak after this, but I have faith we can get it back. Four days, anyone? Let’s get it!

Things are progressing smoothly here on Pirate Island. Last time, we welcomed Whydah the Evil and Pearl the Good, a perfectly opposite pair of twins. Kau scoured every inch of the underwater cave system while Mika flirted with his father, and—most importantly—Siesta’s bots sailed off into a purple sunset of marital bliss.

Really—things are just as smooth as can be.

Mika: Is this the Taco Bell drive-thru?

Chris: Sure is, Ma’am. May I take your order?

This marks the 247th time I almost rage quit Isla Paradiso.

And that’s before we discover the most tragic glitch of them all. Please do not be alarmed by this strange, pallid little twig man inhabiting the ocean floor.

This, my friends, is clearly a mermaid.

Salty: Blub?

Salty Seaworth here is one of the four premades in Isla Paradiso, but I had to Google this to be sure. As soon as my camera finds him, he assumes a human swimming pose and rapidly ascends to the surface.

The same fate has befallen Maya Ocean, who (rather than floating up) just looks perpetually befuddled with her own existence.

Maya: Are we human… or are we dancer?

Kau: Excuse me, are you alright?

Maya: What the hell are you?

Kau: A mermaid. Duh.

Maya: Well, that can’t be, because I am a mermaid.

Kau: Where’s your tail, then?

Maya: T…tail?

Unsurprisingly, some research confirms this is a patch goof that never got fixed. You can remedy it in CAS by turning them human and then into mermaids again, but I’m already miffed at having to lug caves around—and anyway, it’s pretty amusing.

If any of you have tackled Grand Explorer, you may recall that one of those premades will come in handy at some point. Such knowledge will fall into our laps when I give in and read a guide (spoiler: it’s soon) but for the time being, Kau’s still hauling booty and searching for secret tunnels.

Kau: Is there an island in here? …Damn, just a diamond and twelve chunks of gold.

He does find a map piece one of these chests, but just like Peter Pettigrew, it’s useless without its three companions.

I decide to call it a day and send him home, when suddenly…

Who said it couldn’t be that easy?? Apparently there IS one island you can discover just by boating close enough to it. That’s Beryl Shoals ticked off our list, and 25% of the LTW done without assistance. I think the correct term for this is BOOYAH.

Charting the new world doesn’t give Kau much time to be a family man, but Dusty is more than willing to fill his place.

Dusty: Enjoy your green milk, purple bébé.

I wonder why.

Mika: Can you believe believe my stupid husband would miss his own daughters’ birthday?

Dusty: He is a pretty stupid and terrible husband.

Hey, I’m watching you two.

But not as closely as I’m watching these two! On top of them being Good and Evil, one’s a mermaid and one’s a vampire! Even their colouring could not have shaken out more perfectly.

Pearl: ♫ I wanna be where the people are! ♫

Whydah: ♫ Those poor unfortunate souls! ♫

They both aged up with demon brows and I made the executive decision to leave them be.

I guess Kau stopped in for a piece of cake or a nap, but then he’s off again like the wind.

Mika: Are you seriously running away from your children again?

Kau: Nooooo…

Mika: Whatever. I’ll just tell them you died.

Kau: No please!!

Poor Mika could really use something to channel her energy into.  I have so far failed at putting her on a nocturnal schedule, and double maternity leave has only made matters worse. As such, she’s cooped up all day with three toddlers and a stir crazy moodlet.

Mika: I hereby renounce the night!

Dusty: Oh no she didn’t.

No, she really didn’t. It’s just a Vampiric Sunscreen from the vaults.

Mika: I AM UNBREAKABLE!

You sure are. And just how will you use your twelve hours of superpowers?

Mika: I think I’ll put some stuff in the ground.

All this to say—Mika finally switched out Heartbreaker for a new LTW! We’ve opted for Perfect Garden (grow 8 species of perfect plant) partly because Razor got her started with an apple and a lettuce we’ve kept in the basement, but also because we have the perfect patch of land for it.

Mika: Thanks for taking my personality into consideration.

You’re welcome, girl. You should also know that that was our last sunscreen and I have no intention of training another alchemist.

Mika: Well shit.

Turns out these two are actually very productive when kept forcibly apart.

Dusty: Mr. Clean is my one true love.

And that’s a good thing, because…

…Kau is about be absent for quite a while.

Kau: Yes, hello. I’m here for my first task.

Receptionist: Sorry, pal. No shirt, no shoes, no service.

Kau: But I’m a millionaire.

Receptionist: And I’m a tyrannosaurus rex.

Kau: Whoa, really??!

Perfect timing for a family reunion.

Rubisel: Hold up, babe. I’d better make sure this eyepatch fool doesn’t cause a disturbance.

Kyrii: Nah, that’s just my brother.

Rubisel: You’re related to THAT?

Kyrii: Yep, and you wear sunglasses indoors. I’d say we’re even.

They’re currently expecting their second child. 😀

Kau: Alright, I found a shirt. Show me the adventure.

Receptionist: Is this guy for real?

Just play along, won’t you?

Play along she does, and she certainly doesn’t hold back on the sass.

This, dear readers, is where I threw in the towel and did some reading. There are eight uncharted islands in total, each with their own unlocking criteria—very few of which have anything to do with sailing. Diver’s Den requires a Level 10 in scuba diving (or a mermaid who maxes it automatically), which allows you to find the secret tunnel in the cave at Pearl’s Deep. Beryl Shoals appears to any weary traveler who should drunkenly stumble across it. Those two are done and dusted.

This multi-stage resort quest is for Refuge Island, since it seemed like the next most doable of the bunch. We shall see about that.

Stage One: Talk to Sean Vidal-Rodel. Easy peasy.

Kau: Hey, I was wondering if you knew anything about—

Sean: No.

“You should get more friendly with Sean before asking him again,” says my game. When will it learn that I don’t have time for friends???

Kiko: ‘Sup, friend?

And here’s Salty again, at least moving like a real mermaid this time. As I hinted earlier, there’s another island—Mermaid’s Secret—that requires us to sweet talk one of these dudes into revealing its location. Guess we have to make time for friends after all.

Kiko: *girlish giggle* Help me, I’m a lost little mermaid.

Salty: Oh no, let me show you to my secret— yeah, nice try. I’m not falling for that one again.

Meanwhile, Kau’s doing a great job of befriending Sean stalking Sean all over several islands.

Sean: What will it take for you to leave me alone, man?

Kau: Rock Paper Scissors. Win and I’ll lay off. Lose and you cough up the deets.

Sean: *sigh* Okay fine.

With a resounding victory of rock over scissors, we’ve conquered Stage 1!

Stage 2: Get kelps.

Conveniently, Kiko just harvested like nine of them. Seems like we got this in the bag.

A brief intermission to announce the revival of the Secret Block Society!

Pearl: Shouldn’t we let Sal join too?

Whydah: Orrrr we could just throw blocks at him.

Sal: Guysssssssss…

In another blast from the past, very few Langurd children have had the fortune of being parented by Tewl, but lucky Whydah now joins their ranks.

Tewl: Lil girl, lemme tell yew ‘bout da time I bagged Vita Alto.

Pearl: Daddy, save her!!

Dusty: I’m not your— *gasp* I suppose I am, aren’t I?

Pure chaos.

To Dusty’s credit, he really does spend a lot of time with the girls. And he doesn’t have a favourite or anything!

Pearl: I can has turn with xylophone?

Dusty: Shhhhh! Whydah is playing me the song of her people.

Whydah: *plunking out the “Jaws” theme*

Meanwhile, Kiko puts the song of her people to good use.

Kiko: ♫ Les poissons, les poissons! Hee hee hee hon hon hon! ♫

Gotta love this feature, except for just one thing…

Kiko: He’s swimming fucking breaststroke, isn’t he?

Yep—thanks to his lack of a tail, the fool is splish-splashing human-style from the other side of town.

Kiko: Yeesh. Call me in five hours.

I all but forget about him while everyone else goes about their business. How goes the garden, Mika?

Mika: I mean, considering I can only weed like two plants before my skin starts burning—

Wait, is that Salty back there? Brb!

Thank goodness we caught him before he turned around! Now, Kiko, let’s see if you can make him talk.

Kiko: Rock Paper Scissors. If I win, you show me that secret island of yours.

Salty: And what if I win?

Kiko: Hmmm. How do you feel about my brother’s secondborn? The first is spoken for, sadly.

Kiko: Kau, Mika! Make more babies! I’m running out of bargaining chips.

I’m gonna guess that went poorly.

Luckily, Kau is still motoring along. The lab accepts his kelp samples and tells him to go walk on fire.

Kau: Umm, is this safe?

Who cares? You’re brave.

Kau: Oh yeah! I forgot for a second.

Funny how this one needs constant reminding of his traits.

Kau: I did it! Why do I smell barbecued salmon though?

One final, trivial step—brawl with a shark! If that didn’t turn him into fried fish, this will surely make sushi of him.

Being a relative IP noob, I have no idea how worried I should be.

That’ll have to wait though. Looks like someone’s a little pooped.

Kau: The chair. It called to me.

This is us getting a head start on Cay to the City, an island that requires 35 rescues as a lifeguard. THIRTY-FREAKING-FIVE. That’s more than half what you need for the Lifeguard-specific LTW. All the online guides say “this will take a long time.” And that’s for the average simmer, who is far more efficient than I. D:

But for now, some toddler content—lest the Gen. 9 crew’s childhood go completely undocumented.

Sal: Document me!!

Alright, buddy. Camera’s rolling.

Mika: So you wanna be a star, huh?

Sal: Yeah! Star!

Mika: Well, too bad. You’re gonna be living in this tiny crapshack ‘til you’re forty, probably helping your father with the childish ambitions he can’t handle on his own.

Sal: *bawls*

Mika: You too, little Pearl. Don’t think those mermaid scales are anything less than a life sentence.

Pearl: Okay, Mommy. 😀

Tewl is really determined to be present for the twins’ upbringing. This is not a good omen.

Mika: What did you do to my little angel?

Tewl: Nuffin, I swear!

NUFFIN’ MY ASS. TEWL WHAT THE FUCK.

I’ve had literal nightmares about my sims falling off the panel like this. The panic is real. A help thread tells me to separate her from the household in “Edit Town” mode and then put her back.

Predictably, I bungle the fix and she disappears for good. D:

I guess that’s what we have spares for, right?

Kau: Who’s my favourite and only little girl?

Whydah: Meeeeee!

I kid, I kid. Of course I closed without saving and restored Pearl to her previous state of… uh, existing.

I guess these pictures of Kau being a parent are more important, though.

Kau: ♫ The wheels on the bus go round and round! ♫

Sal: This…… isn’t a xylophone.

He only has to sub in because Mika’s finally back at work. Or at least, she was?

Boss: Where did you go? Your shift just started.

Mika: Yeah, something came up at home.

Boss: I can see you from the window.

Mika: This is where I live.

Boss: What? You’re fi—

Mika: I QUIT. HA.

Very few careers are lucrative or exciting enough to be worth a boat commute, so she drops hers to become a full-time gardener.

Mika: I am in excruciating pain.

Yeaaahhh, I should probably spend some time troubleshooting this.

But not today! Today, everyone’s favourite duo is off to fight a shark.

Kau: So what, we just wait for one to show up?

Kiko: Trust me. I have my ways.

And here I thought she was still around for entertainment value.

Alright Kau, moment of truth.

Kau: COME AT ME BRO

Kau: I TAKE IT BACK YOU’RE REALLY SCARY

Shark: *purr*

Kau: Wait what?

And that’s when it occurs to me to check something…

Well DUH. I guess that explains why Grand Explorer-ing has been so much less perilous than I imagined.

Kau: Not even a nibble?

Shark: Fish are friends, not food.

Kau: Dammit.

Ignoring for a second what this inevitably means, let’s hop back home for Sal’s birthday!

Mika: What’s your birthday wish, Saladin?

Sal: No Daddy!

Mika: Good boy!

Well, something was lost in translation, because this kid is already a ringer for Daddy Dearest.

Also, I’m pretty sure he learned stuff but the game says his development was “modest” so he’s a Loner now.

Sal: Don’t talk to me.

I guess Cool Aunt Kiko is the exception to that rule.

Kiko: So Sal, what’s poppin’ with today’s youths?

Sal: Your face.

Kiko: Whoa whoa, we got a rebel up in here.

Not to mention Cool Uncle Pete. Kid seems pretty popular for a loner.

Quick, count the ghosts in this picture! Bonus points if you can identify the one passed out on the dock.

In other news, full moons are the bane of my existence.

Mika’s thriving though. This is the time I should have her gardening, but instead she’s taking advantage of her borderline-inappropriate relationship with her father-in-law.

Dusty: Not my cashmere sweater!

Mika: This is straight up polyester, bruh.

The full moon sets, and then Love Day is upon us! What a perfect opportunity for our happy couple to rekindle the flame.

Kau: I love you babe!

Mika: Ugh, you smell like fish!

Kau: Well yeah, that was to attract the shark.

Mika: Gross.

Kau: Well excuse me for trying to PROVIDE for our FAMILY.

Mika: Yeah, we really appreciate your thirty cowry shells.

Kau: Fine! I’m going to spend Love Day with LEGO Pirates of the Caribbean!

Mika: You are so dropping that laptop.

Kau: Nuh-uh!

You get one guess who Mika chooses to spend her day with.

Mika: You smell amazingly un-aquatic.

Dusty: Thank… you?

Come on, bro. You kinda brought this upon yourself.

Kau: This is fine.

Kau: I’ll show him who’s boss.

That’s right. Sweep her off her feet.

Kau: What the heck you gotta be a vampire for?

Mika: Excuse me?

Oh, buddy.

Kau: You are so dumb, you’d have to stand on a chair to raise your IQ!

Mika: Oh really? Keep going. I dare you.

Kau: *face mash*

And here we see Love Day and its spontaneous romantic gestures imploding an already crumbling marriage! Everything here is autonomous, guys. I take zero responsibility.

Mika: You can’t just yell at me and then do that, you psycho!

Kau: Did I read the energy wrong?

Mika: Ya think?

Dusty: WOW THESE PLATES SURE ARE DIRTY, SHOULD SOMEONE CLEAN THEM?

Kau: Here, let me try again.

Mika: There is no energy, dude!

Kau: For real? My bad.

Kau: How about now?

Dusty: Son, I respect your marriage but I am stepping in before you make a real fool of yourself.

Yes, Dusty! For once, I approve.

Dusty: HOW ABOUT THAT WEATHER THOUGH

Mika: I know, right? So weathery!

Kau: Much weather.

Dusty: There. Can’t say I don’t earn my keep around here.

Kau: *right back on the kiss wagon*

Mika: Please. Just stop. This is getting creepy.

Kau: Oh, come on! It’s Love Day!

Floor Snorkeler: JUST STOP, MAN.

I have to agree with Floor Snorkeler. It was kinda funny at first, but now I feel gross even captioning it.

However, Mika does the same thing right back to him not five minutes later.

Kau: HOW DARE YOU SMOOCH MY TENDER LIPS

Mika: But I’m a snack!

Dusty: DISTRACTION

NO DUSTY, THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE!!!

We might blame Kau’s weird behaviour on this bad boy… or we might blame it on Love Day.

However, we should probably just blame it on Kau. Bad Kau.

The only solution is to keep the two of them occupied until the holiday is over. Conveniently, we have some toddler skilling left to do before the twins’ child birthday.

Mika: Let me see those pearly whites.

Pearl: Cheeeeeeeese!

Mika: Dang, blunt as a hammer.

Try to hide your disappointment.

An equally important task—tracing the source of this mysterious moodlet.

Dusty: Say, Sal, where is that smell coming from?

Saladin: Your butt, probably.

Dusty: What a delightful child.

Aha! Dusty’s butt is absolved of blame (for now).

But seriously, this little slice of grimy counter escaped my attention for several days at least. XD

Dusty: There. I cleaned the counter and made some pancakes to diffuse a pleasant aroma.

I, uh, appreciate the effort, but… you know what, never mind.

Again with these popups? Seems ominous.

But nothing can bring us down today. It’s Whydah and Pearl’s birthday again! They both learned all their toddler skills, and (almost) everyone is here to celebrate!

Kiko: This is so worth my time!

Dusty dutifully cakes Whydah, then wanders off to let someone else handle a crying Pearl. Chyeah, definitely not playing favourites.

Dusty: I just want a snack is all…

Oh shit.

Whydah: Grandpa?

Whydah: Grandpa, are you okay?

Dusty: Fine, sweetie.

Death: *rises out of the floor* But you’re not fine, Mr. Langurd. You’re not fine at all.

Whydah: I hate birthdays!!

Death: Sure had a good run, though. Congrats.

Dusty: Can I at least eat some pancakes before I go?

Death: Those? Trust me bro, you’ve got better stuff waiting.

Dusty: Okay…

Our ridiculously tenacious former patriarch leaves us aged 129, which is slightly younger than my original playthrough but also twelve days older than the next-oldest Langurd (Razor). He had time to amass 209,847 LTH points, making him the first spouse in the legacy to break that 200k mark. The only major wish lingering in his panel is “Have 10 Grandchildren”; he currently has six.

Some grandpa though—Pearl’s birthday is effectively ruined.

Grim: Sweet, there’s cake? Don’t mind if I do!

Kiko: When you wouldn’t let Dad have his pancakes?

Kau: That’s cold, man.

Pearl’s also stuck in the block table, which makes her caking especially difficult.

Not to worry. Mika’s able to roll with the punches.

Mika: Well, aren’t you special. Even Death came to your birthday party!

Pearl: Yayyyyyy!

One kerfuffle later, here they are! And just to keep that opposite train rolling, Whydah rolls No Sense of Humour while Pearl rolls Excitable.

Pearl: Whydah long face?

Whydah: *icy glare*

Pearl: Sorry.

---

Wheeewwww. I can feel myself getting rusty after a few days off. Solution—no more days off! Hahahahahaha if only.

I was only a little bit joking about that four-day streak, though.

Sorry I’ve been slacking on replying to comments! I read and appreciate them all, but I pretty well channel all my brain energy into the current chapter whenever I’m at my computer. Keep on dropping ‘em if that’s your thing and I’ll do a marathon reply when I next take a break from writing!

Happy Simming!

-Sam