3.10 Deus Ex Machina

Can I publish two chapters in one day? Probably not. No, definitely not. But this site is nearing its second birthday, and TS4 is slated to come out way too soon, and look at how not-far we’ve come.

So I’m setting a goal for myself as of right now. The Langurds are going to birth their 6th generation before the year is out. Is that even remotely possible? Probably not. No, definitely not. But it should at least spur me into action.

How many “lonely Razor in a lonely bed” pictures can I get away with posting? The answer is many, because it never gets less sad. This one, however, comes with a different sentiment. After a quick trip to the Sim Bin and back, the Langurds can sleep in their beds again! Hallelujah, and good riddance to Glitchhilda.

But then there’s Balboa, who spits on all the trouble I went to and hangs out in this uncozy contraption. Watch, his head’s about to slip right through those bars.

He also enjoys swimming in the snow with his little sister.

Balboa: Splish, splash, I was taking a bath, catchin’ hypothermia yeah!

Lira: My friend says please stop singing that song, he hates it.

Balboa: Wait, what?

Conspiracy theories, talking dolls – what’s next for this kid? Why, ghostly great-grandmothers, of course.

Balboa: What’s it like being dead?

Morgana: Mostly just cold. Like the weather outside right now, but all the time.

Balboa: Sounds gnarly, bro.

Arabella: Good heavens, son, why are you glowing?

Balboa: You’re a spectral figure. Shouldn’t you be babysitting? Mom says that’s your job. I don’t know what a spectral figure is. What’s a spectral figure?

Balboa: Guess what, Auntie Zula? There’s this magical jelly bean tree in our house and I found it and I ate a bunch and now I’m blue!

Azula: Kid, go to sleep.

Balboa: I’m always asleep.

Azula: Get help.

Razor continues to be a grandfatherly bamf. He’s also like, really really old.

Razor: I’ll see you soon, Arabella.

DON’T SAY THAT.

Lira: I’m sleepy. Will you put me to bed?

Razor: You are in your bed, sweet girl.

Lira: I’m sleepy. Will you put me to bed?

Somebody take the batteries out of that thing.

The kids in this family are the laziest SOB’s. They have yet to hop on a school bus because they keep getting snow days when there’s like a light dusting on the ground. And Florin is the worst of them all, since he inherited what I call Katana’s honorary trait, and that is—you guessed it—Couch Potato. It was only fitting that it would pop up for real in one of her kids.

Florin: Hahahaha, that guy’s head just fell right off his shoulders! Man, that cracks me up!

It mixes wonderfully with his sense of non-humour, as you can see.

Yes, the children of Generation Four are coming into their own. Florin’s an unfunny lazybones. Lira’s a creepy animated toy.

Lira: Come with me to my secret hideout.

Katana: Where’s the “off” switch?

Lira: I have an army of Furbies in the linen cupboard.

And Balboa, well…

Balboa: Asdfgjdfghjk GET IN MY MOUTH

Balboa: Ahuehuehuehuea. Ahuehua.

Balboa: It’sssss minty fresh!

Jelly beans — the gateway drug.

Balboa: Hey Florin, did you know we’re in a computer game being controlled by—

Florin: Oh, get away from me with your crazy talk.

Poor Boa. He just wants to be friends with his only brother. If only Florin could see… aaand cue musical!

♫Balboa♫:
Do you wanna build a snow man?
I’m all hyped up and don’t know why
It must have been those jelly beans I ate
They’re super trippy and they probably made me high

We used to share a room, man
Just you and me
Though we probably have different daaaaads

Do you wanna build a snowman?

Florin:
No, I really don’t.

♫Balboa♫:
Okay, rad.

♫Balboa♫:
Do you wanna build a snowman?
It’s like a man but made of snow
There’s so much more to life than algebra
But you’re a buzzkill so you probably wouldn’t know

Florin: Okay, god. I’ll build the dumb snowman.

But never mind Elsa because we’ve got our own little snow queen right here.

Lira: You’re my best friend. Let’s have a tea party and braid each other’s hair. Oh? You don’t have any hair…

Lira: But that’s okay, you have other qualities I enjoy.

Potterbear: Bloody hell, that’s disturbing.

You know how I said Dax’s team was made up of “old people & Lance”? It truly is. They lose all their games, and it’s hilarious. They’re like an old-timers’ team that was accidentally thrown in the bigtime, probably because they weren’t wearing their glasses when they filled out the forms.

Coworker: Good run today, Dax. Remember I’m off next week for my colonoscopy.

But* it doesn’t stop Dax from thinking he’s the shit*.

Dax: You know, Boa, you should get out there and start crossfitting like your daddy.

Katana: You don’t crossfit.

Dax: You can be just as good-looking and successful in life as I am!

Katana: I can’t listen to this.

(*That was a really unfortunate sentence to write after “colonoscopy.”)

You want good-looking and successful in life? Take this guy. (No really, take him. He’s available for download.)

At 109 days old, Razor is still out there in the snow, smashing rocks from space with his bare hands.

And, with those same bare hands, he feeds bottles to delicate baby girls. All the while denying himself access to shower and toilet.

Razor: That’s not a desirable quality. Don’t tell people that.

Soon enough, those delicate baby girls were ready to become… well, slightly less delicate baby girls. Less likely to break if you drop them, which is a bonus. Here goes Lev.

Katana: What are you doing, trash compactor? I thought I made you unbreakable. I thought we had a deal.

D’awww, look at those big brothers in their farmyard pyjamas. So supportive.

Dax: Does she look like me?

Razor: Piss off, Dax.

She already looks so much like Katana it’s ridiculous. She’s the third child to inherit the golden eyes! Also, you may have noticed I’m down to the reject pile of toddler hairstyles.

Now for Drachma. I don’t know why, but she always sounds like a dragon in my head.

Balboa: You know, Dad, your butt is pretty squishy for a crossfitter.

WTF BOA NO

Drachma & Lev: Wow, we’re identical!

No, you really aren’t. I kinda like it that way.

As a little refresher, Drachma on the left is the grumpy one. Her name is pronounced DRAK-MA, but you probably knew that. Lev is on the right in the miserable attempt at a new and original shade of grey (you know there are only fifty of them, har har har) since Florin and Lira already stole her colour. I just learned that her name is actually pronounced “Lef,” but it’s too late to change what’s in my head. Doesn’t matter — my family has been pronouncing our own last name wrong for generations.

It’s the Langurds’ first Snowflake Day in the new house!

Dax: Oh look, mistletoe. Doesn’t it make you want to kiss a handsome, buff guy right in this very spot?

Katana: You’re right, it does! I’ll just wait for one to show up.

We tried to throw a gift-giving party, but the game said there was no room for the gift pile. THE GAME IS BLIND. I even stashed all the furniture.

Lev: Mommy, where’s our stuff?

Katana: The Grinch came. Merry Christmas.

Balboa is gradually introducing his brother to the joys of living a little.

Florin: Ow! I don’t like snowball fights!

Balboa: It’s called a fight, but you aren’t supposed to take it personally!

I think he took it personally.

Meanwhile, a figure from Katana’s dark past spawned in the icy bushes. Dun dun dun duuuun.

You see, even without presents, you can still get together with the people who matter and stand in a circle and sing “Fahoo Fores” and all that. So everyone showed up for a regular house party instead. ‘Cause like, I always bring a 15lb turkey to house parties.

Lance and boyfriend were next to arrive.

Tomahawk: Nice try, buddy. If you think you’re getting two of my baby sisters, think again. Thumbs down. Through the heart.

Ooooh looky, Florin’s first meeting with his other Mommy. ❤

Florin: So you live on the other side of the world?

Sun: Yes, that’s right. I live in a place called China.

Florin: I’ll dig a hole there.

Sun: Oh, that’s so adorable!

Florin: So I can push people down it and they’ll fall forever. Wouldn’t that be awesome?

Malissa: Really? You’re gonna be that guy? Everyone hates that guy.

Ah, young love.

Malissa: I wonder if he’s thinking of me…

Balboa: I wonder what’s for dinner…

And… old love?

Dax: Good game last night, June.

June: You’re married. I’m married. But my last name is Shallow, and it’s no coincidence. Let’s hook up.

Dax: Okay!

I don’t feel bad anymore. He’s just as bad as Katana.

And don’t forget middle-aged love.

Sun: So that’s your new man, eh? I have half a mind to steal him from you.

Katana: I’ll fight you for him.

Sun: You’re on.

Florin: Why would you fight over that guy? You should be kissing each other instead.

Katana: Go play your video games, Florin.

Sun: We’re really going to spar over that hunk? Best party ever.

Yep, the fight was all set and then…

Oh yeah, REAL CONVENIENT escape. Sun Young Chicken.

Katana: You’re as bad as that guitar fool.

Well, at least Katana got her buff, handsome man under the mistletoe.

Katana: Look, I match the decor. This was definitely on purpose.

Weston: Oh, would you look at tha–

Katana: Now I’m gonna sniff your face. Mmm, is that turkey grease?

Things only went downhill from there.

June: What is there a child dying upstairs or something?

Dax: Oh, that? That’s just Drachma. I don’t count that one.

Balboa: I ate seventeen jelly beans today!

Azula: Maybe you should lay off those things for a while.

Dax: Yep, just waiting under the mistletoe, hoping to catch the eye of a pretty girl.

Lance: I’m leaving now, bye.

…

…

I won’t pity you. I won’t do it.

…

…

Dammit.

If Dax is good for one thing, it’s making wonderfully whacked-out kids.

Lira: Will you be my friend?

Be afraid, Drachma.

And Balboa just won’t stop rolling wishes for jelly beans, even though they make him alternately hyper, depressed, minty, starving, and scholarly.

Florin: I think you have a problem.

Balboa: Where are we? Is this a new house? Did we get a new house? I love our new house.

Florin: You’re a moron.

Naturally, at a time when her children needed guidance and support, Katana packed up and went to France.

Katana: Still haven’t got my car back *grumblegrumble*

She rolled this within five seconds of getting there. Oh, honey.

We are getting through this LTW.

Katana: Alright guy, I need a mission. Just don’t try and jump my bones like the last guy did.

Jean Luc: Don’t worry, you are much too un-classy for Jean Luc.

Katana: Gee, thanks.

Jean-Luc: You must return to le Chateau du Landgraab.

Katana: Ffffff–

Katana: Well this isn’t so bad. How come I never saw these rooms before?

Katana: That artsy shit though.

Oh, suck it up. Beggars can’t be choosers.

This place is actually so nifty. Look, Katana can even practice her tinkering on the 3938502-year-old bathtub!

Katana: Just preparing my vessel for the long voyage into oblivion.

What the hell does that–

Katana: Goodbye, cruel world! This is how it ends.

Oh.

Alas, more adventures to be had. More pretty pictures to take.

Edith: My creamsicle saviour!

Hi, Edith. Camped out in any puddles lately?

Katana’s next mission was the easiest of them all. She “fully explored” this “tomb” just by walking through the front door. Then she nabbed a big stack of money.

Katana: Already got more of this shit than I know what to do with.

No kidding, and in more ways than one. Hadn’t you noticed her kids were named after money? 😉

(Of course not, Sam. Who the eff names their legacy children after foreign currencies?)

Balboa = Panama
Florin = Aruba
Lira = Turkey
Lev = Bulgaria
Drachma = Greece (until 2001)

I figured it was about time I cleared that up.

And Katana thought it was about time to clear up the food in the old groundskeeper’s refrigerator. It’s like France is just a big hand saying “Here you go, have everything.”

But then there’s the locals. They’re a real treat.

Aimée: What are you doing ‘ere? You were not invited to zee exclusive nectar connoisseurs club!

Katana: Sorry, I forgot my hooker lipstick and necktie. Be right back.

Beret Dude: Good one! She got you there, Aimée!

Don’t worry, Katana. You’re better than all of them because you can fix a toilet.

Or ALL THE TOILETS IN THE WORLD. BAM. Who ever thought she would accomplish anything so important?

Katana: I’m the boss of life now.

Katana: No wait, I resign. Life is too hard.

Katana: Like, way too hard. I mean wtf, really?

Yeah, somebody wasn’t too happy about having their stuff taken, so they caged her in with lightning. I cycled through the typical: WE’RE STUCK HERE FOREVER AND MY GAME IS BROKEN –> No wait, we’re stuck here until Katana STARVES TO DEATH, OH NOOEEES –> Well, we could just cut the trip short… –> Oh wait, didn’t we buy a thing from the special merchant? –> The one she made out with? –> Yeah, that one.

(Definitely a “typical” series of responses.)

And then – Floo Powder Power!

Katana: This is dumb. I should just jump out the window.

Katana: So I got the stuff you wanted, Mr. Pivert. But I was hoping you could pay me double, since that castle chewed me up and shat me out again. Uh, Mr. Pivert?

Jean Luc: Hmm?

Katana: Pay me, you asshole.

Jean Luc: That’s nice.

We managed to squeeze in one more (incredibly stupid) mission before home time.

Katana: So… you’re standing in the basement of the nectary.

Edith: Yes.

Katana: And you called me from across town to bring you nectar.

Edith: Yes.

Katana: Are you locked in the bathroom or something?

Edith: No, why do you ask?

So basically, she’s completely helpless and just wants a slave.

Easy, right? Not at all. Katana couldn’t just bring her a purchased meal from the café; she had to actually prepare something, which makes a lot of sense given that your average backpacker doesn’t have a bloody stove. So I unclicked the mission and left Edith to rot in her bathroom lair.

But not before Katana had bought a bunch of unnecessary food which I then forced her to eat.

Katana: No force here. Why the fuck would I throw this out?

And then the trip was over, and thank goodness, because I’m already sick of writing about it.

Balboa: Did you know our family used to have a unicorn but then they neglected it and it got taken away by a chicken named Loserface?

Florin: Sure, Boa. Whatever you say.

You haven’t seen much of Lev, and it’s because she’s the happy-go-luckiest little toddler and nothing ever bothers her.

Lira: Grandaddy, will you please step back a bit? I can’t go with you watching me so close.

Razor: Of course. Is this better?

Lira: Perfect.

Lev: *unfazed*

You haven’t seen Drachma either, and it’s because she’s completely un-noteworthy.

Katana: Holy shit, I forgot you existed. Which one are you again?

Here’s a sorta cute picture of her to make up for it.

Drachma: GWEEN MAN DIE

And one final gem.

Katana: Look guys, I’m only one person. I think the fairest solution is for me to just ignore both of you. You can read each other to sleep.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So E3 just happened. September 2nd? I should be excited, but that’s waaaay too close for my liking. To those of you who also have unfinished legacies: What are your plans for when the Big 4 comes out? Am I stressing over nothing? Yeah, I totally am.

I guess I didn’t finish this in one day, but I did it in three and that’s pretty good for me. It’s also a fluke, so don’t get used to it. 😀 Stay tuned for whatever I happen to find in my next screenshot folder!

Happy Simming!

-Sam

P.S. Excuse my portrayal of the French. I am actually the biggest France fangirl.