3.11 Hasta la Vista

ALMOST THERE, GUYS! I’ve been sorting my screenshots and this should be approximately the third-to-last chapter of Generation Three. Then I get to throw out an heir poll and let you do my dirty work for me. ‘Til then, it’s Langurds all day err’day. Well, that and scanning all day err’day. My nostrils are haunted by the scent of centuries-old onionskin paper and I want to type “.pdf” at the end of every sentence. Somebody help me.pdf

What was I just saying about how I wanted more Tewl visits?

Katana: Gtfo, you’re scaring my babies.

Tewl: But I’m bein’ all scholarly an’ shit!

Tewl: Hey doofus, what’s hangin’?

Dax: I’ve hearded of you, Mohawk Man. You and your five illigitititimate childrens.

Tewl: Ten, akchually.

Dax: Despicabibble.

It’s a shame no one will let him near his great-grandkids. Or wait, maybe it’s not.

All the same, what a flaming hypocrite we have here. The sports career is pretty vague (I mean, what sport do they even play?) but I picture Dax as the bigshot quarterback/forward/pitcher who forgets he is playing for an oldtimers’ team and thus considers himself God’s gift to women.

Dax: Lookit my alley-oop from last game!

June: Oh, how nice, they brought out a stool and everything!

Dax: So listen, I’m just finishing up my bench presses but we should hit up the bowling alley later. Get a little freaky.

Okay, no. Just no.

Dax: Sorry Pops. Didn’t realize it was occupied.

Razor: Yes, that’s why you climbed in the window singing the “Mission Impossible” theme.

And that was when I realized—

Lev: Weeeee, look at me! Risking concussion and suffocation! 😀

Not now, Lev; you’re interrupting the story arc.

*ahem* And that was when I realized that Dax’s fate was well-deserved, and decided to sic his heartless wife on him for realz. She even dressed up for the occasion. No really, the full moon descended and she was suddenly wearing this witchy garb, and I almost lost it because I thought my game was possessed.

The confrontation took place in the cake-littered kitchen.

Katana: Dax, honey, I’ve been cheating on you and I feel terrible about it.

Dax: Really?!

Katana: Well, no, I don’t actually feel that bad.

Dax: Oh, pooey! You’re just as bad as your Grandpa Skrewdriver.

Balboa: Whoa! Like, sorry to interrupt here but I’m about to get all gangly and stuff.

Go on, we’ve all been waiting. 😉

And we are not disappointed. At least I’m not. Poor kid rolled Unlucky because every school day was a snow day, but that sounds pretty lucky to me.

Florin: That’s some pretty unlucky facial hair, am I right?

No. Now here’s something really creepy… doesn’t he look EXACTLY like a male Elizabeth Gillies?

No? How about now:

I am deeply sorry.

Immediately after the marital showdown, Dax committed Horror Movie Mistake #3: Investigating Creepy Phenomena.

Dax: The Claaaaawww! :O

Dax: I have been chosen! I will go on to a better place!

Dax: The Claw is NOT what I expected.

Elderly (two-eyed) Alien: It rarely is, my friend.

This was a Sims 3 first for me. I just laughed the whole time because yeah, of course it would be Dax.

And how did Katana cope with the blowout? Why, she fled the country, of course. And then she patronized the locals.

Katana: You don’t have a brain!

Lady: Jeez, who pissed on your waffles?

What a dumb question to ask Katana. The entire world pissed on her waffles.

Ai Pei: Dang nabbit! All you young wild girls, you make a mess of me! *smacks with cane*

Katana: Uh, that’s called victim blame. I’m just trying to fulfill my destiny here.

Katana: Oh, and you don’t have a brain.

Ai Pei: WHAT

Ai Pei: I have at least… half a brain.

Katana: Keep telling yourself that.

As her level of badassery rose, so did her status as a Martial Artist. Why was she training the Martial Arts? Well, Half-Brain Ai Pei had awarded her the highest-grossing China mission, or rather, neverending series of missions. As well as a leg of adventuring in France, which Katana had already completed, the mission involved—you guessed it—the goddamn entirety of my last heir’s LTW. Max the skill. Break a space rock. Become Grand Master. Yada yada.

FML.

On the bright side, hangin’ at the dojo meant Katana got to socialize with some familiar faces.

Abitar: Last time I saw your father he was all like ‘oooh I’m the big scary Mantis, fear me’

Katana: And now he’s like ‘ooh I’m a bitter old man, get your life together Katana’

You could say they hit it off rather well.

You could also say that Sun Young Kim has a bit of a jealous streak.

Sun: Oh, so you’re into older ladies now?

Katana: What do you care, deserter?

Abi: Hoookay, I’ve clearly stepped in on something here. I’ll leave you gals to it.

It’s sad, ‘cause of all three baby “daddies” I actually think Sun was the best match for her. Apparently I didn’t think so when I was playing though, and this chapter may be the last time you see her. Retrospection is a bitch.

My only consolation is that Dax made the dang cutest kids.

Balboa: Holy, you’re light. You made of stuffing or what?

Lira: Porcelain, you positively delightful imbecile.

And Weston graced us with some… interesting genes. I fear for Drachma’s nose, but you can’t not love this face.

Well, you can if you think about what’s coming out the other end of her.

I love ruining cute moments 😀

Katana: Hey Weston. I hope you’re happy. You left me with two needy brats and I’m so stressed my torso broke in half.

Lev: That’s okay, you don’t have to take real pictures of me or anything!

Yep, Katana’s parenting style is back-breakingly difficult. She mostly hangs around her firstborn because he’s so chill. Chill to the point of being asleep most of the time. Mother-son TV sesh ❤ (I really hate the word “sesh.”)

Balboa: Man, what a great game. Go Yankees!

Balboa: Nice pitch, Tanaka.

Katana: Okay seriously, how are you doing that?

Our resident sports “expert” (used loosely, like Origin’s “store experts”) wasn’t invited. Instead, he was trying to learn his wife and father-in-law’s craft, all for a work opportunity.

There’s no real reason for this picture besides that I love watching Dax fail.

Another unceremonious birthday for Lira. Oh look, Lev’s being neglected again.

Little dollface rolled Athletic, like her daddy. I don’t know what to make of that, but it seems terrifying. I probably don’t want to ask what’s in that bag of hers.

Being the only teenager in the family comes with its perks and its pitfalls.

Florin: Hey, Billy Ray Cyrus! Read me a story. I’d like “How to Raise Your Daughter into a Whore,” please. *snigger*

Boa: Who’s teaching you these words?

Florin: I read things on the Internet.

Dracha: I wanna hear the story too!

Boa: This probably should not be happening.

Since we’re into segregation, the black-haired siblings were off in the nursery, Lira reading Annabelle (okay, so it looks more like Imperial Military Tactics) and Lev doing whatever Lev does.

At night, Lira dreamed terrible dreams.

Lira: Stand and fight, you half-gnawed chicken leg!

Erm.

And Dax began to lose it so much, he was confusing dishes for cutlery.

Balboa: Lol Dad, you’re the best.

Scratch that, he was just so fond of this mixing bowl that he started carrying it around to ease his anxiety.

Dax: ‘M’all set to divorce your sister, Lancie, but you haven’t called in a while. Everything okay?

Actually, she just had another baby with Eddy, a girl named Shayla. No one knows what she’s doing with her life.

On one side of this marital dispute, there’s a bowl-clutching softie. On the other side there’s a Katana, counselled by a Razor.

Razor: Tell him exactly what you think of him.

Katana: You’re goin’ DOWN, you sock-eating hypocrite!

Razor: Good, very good.

I know what side I’m backing.

The kids want no part of all this, and despite their diverse origins they exist in perfect harmony, playing tag and— WHOA WAIT. What is wrong with this picture?

Florin: Balboa’s a lousy chaser?

The snow has melted! That means it’s a school day, for the first time in your lives. Get on the bus, you twits!

Welp, I can’t believe they’ve been living here a whole generation and we’ve only NOW figured it out, but the school bus doesn’t service 467 Farmer Valley Road. And the kids don’t have the initiative to “go to school” autonomously. This… sucks.

Balboa: I’d better learn how to work this thing… where’s the steering wheel?

Florin: God, you are such an idiot.

Naturally, I forgot Lira was of schooling age, so she got to spend the day being a weirdo.

Lira: A work of fine china needs cleaning.

And how do you explain this one?

Lira: I am rescuing my old friends.

Okay, I’ll give you that. I loved those things like they were my children.

Lira: Just secured a lot of 50 Buzz Lightyears on the eBay. Victory is sweet.

Lira: Thank you, Grandmother Arabella, for leaving your account logged in.

She later met the woman in the flesh translucence, a glorious moment for the aspiring monarch.

Ara: Come, child. We have much to discuss.

Razor missed Ara’s visit on account of Florin is a greedy little bitch. Do you really need a story every night?

Razor: And then I said to her, “Okay, I can see you’ve outgrown this Hannah Montana thing. But please, for the love of God, keep your tongue in your mouth.”

Katana: Why are you reading this crap to my kid?

Florin: Don’t stop, this is gold!

In the wee hours of the morning, Razor was possessed by a ludicrous idea.

Razor: Let’s put your abilities to the test. Are you ready to take on the Great Mantis?

Katana: No, I’d rather be in bed with popcorn, but what the hell.

And so this happened, and now I want popcorn. Brb.

All set. Let’s get to it, shall we?

The silly game cut the sound on me, so I compensated by adding the most dramatic song I could find. 😀

Razor actually fought pitifully, but then again he is 113 years old.

Also, nobody is as pitiful as this guy.

Dax: Geroff me, bowl! I’m done with you!

You know, I’m happy enough when the snow melts and I can see my front lawn again. Then there’s the Langurds, who get to see this. Damn Sims.

Ghost bonding has been at an all-time high lately.

Florin: HAHAHA, your name is Tewl! Could your parents not spell or what?

Tewl: No, dey flunked skool cuz dey lived in an endless winter.

Balboa: Cool story, bro.

Florin: Wait, I don’t get it. What’s winter got to do with school and flunking? Does he mean ‘cause like— OHHHH!

Florin: Hey Boa, he said that ‘cause we never went to school when it was snowing! ‘Cause we always had snow days! Get it?

Florin: Ha ha… endless winter. I’m so smart.

Lira: So Papa, I heard you like bowls…

Dax: That’s my baby girl.

Dax: But not you, Florin, you unnatural bastard.

Florin: Hey, stop talking shit about me. Get it? Shit—‘cause we’re standing in a bathroom?

Look at Katana, all fancy with her “I’m outside but I wish I weren’t” parasol.

Katana: My stupid child won’t go to school.

Ah, yes. The cycle of abuse continues.

Speaking of which…

Dax: I am DONE with this marriage! Dax is a free man, unbound to anyone or anything!

Katana: Uh, you’re spilling your pancake batter.

Dax: No, you’re spilling your pancake batter!

Katana: You would use my own comeback against me??

Dax: Yes.

So that was that. Daxtana parted ways on not-so-amicable terms; Katana got the house and Dax secured the right to hang around indefinitely like the pest he is. (Hey, we can still get points out of him yet.)

Through all the mess, everyone forgot that there were still toddlers in the nursery. Me included.

I was too focused on other things, like Florin’s birthday and the fact that my simself does NOT produce attractive children (that’s her daughter on the left). It’s settled, I’m growing old with cats.

And so is he. I mean, he’s so cool that he can pull off a crap-coloured grandpa sweater, hipster glasses, clashing khakis and that godawful belt.

Florin: All hail the King of Awesome.

Yeaahh no, you rolled Loser.

Florin: That can’t be right.

Lev: Okay I’m really sorry to be needy but if somebody could just acknowledge my existence that would be great.

Florin: Quiet, you’re ruining my Instagram moment.

Katana: Where did I go wrong? Why are my children all so lame?

Drachma: You’ve still got me, Mama!

Katana: Who are you?

Balboa: How do you spell “circumference?”

Dax: S-U-N.

Balboa: Yeah, that sounds right. Thanks, Dad!

General rule of life — never take advice from a man who can’t get a handle on his bread and jam.

My excitement over these China trips is dwindling. Correction: it is gone. I had to bring more people this time to make it interesting. Not all of them are useful to our cause.

Dax: *casually wanders out of the frame*

Razor has a purpose, though—Katana skills way faster when he’s yelling at her. 😀 If I have to repeat an LTW, at least I can take advantage of “passing down the craft.”

Paparazzi: The Mantis is still alive?! Oh man, this is gonna make me rich.

When fatigue kicked in, they took up Razor’s “alternative” form of training.

Katana: Really? This simulates a sparring match?

Razor: Oh no, this is much more violent.

As per usual, he had the ladies hanging on his every word.

Razor: And then there’s Florin and Lira and… well, I forget the last two but they’re adorable.

Paparazzi: *swoon* I’ll bet they could use a grandmother in their lives, couldn’t they?

So I turned Razor into a woman repellent.

Just because I love my Langurd heirs.

Florin: Hey, Mom, remember me?

Oh yes, Florin had a bit of a purpose here as well. But really, it was just this one trip to the graveyard to get a few touching screenshots.

Florin: Hey hey, what do you do if an epileptic falls into your pool?

Sun: I don’t know, what?

Florin: Throw in your laundry!

Sun: Oh my.

Sun: So I know this is a bit forward of me, but… do you want to take a selfie together?

Florin: Eww, no way!

Sun: But why not?

Florin: No one takes a selfie with their mom! God, you’re such a loser.

He also rolled an LTW while hanging out at base camp. It was “Blog Artist,” which seemed fitting. He subsequently made a blog called “How 2 Be Kewl”; wrote one post, gained five followers, wrote another one, and lost them all.

Back at the dojo, Katana beat up this idiot for giving her a new nickname around town.

Haha yeah, because that’s what it’s called when a man forces himself on a woman and enslaves her as a bug catcher. Right.

No matter, Katana finally broke a space rock — and should have been about done with Ai Pei and China in general, but then he was all “Did I mention you have to do 50000000 other things? Oops, must have slipped my mind.”

😡

So funny story — the “Grand Master’s Fight” mission specifically says you need to top the tournament ranks, but it turns out you only have to defeat one opponent. In Katana’s case, that opponent was a blue belt who brought her kids along to watch. How anticlimactic… and convenient.

Kid: Is that Katana Langurd?! Daughter of the Deadly Mantis and Scorner of the Mission Man?

Jiannan: Why don’t you go ask her for an autograph?

Katana:  Why don’t you go fuck yourselves.

On we go. I should move this stuff into the next chapter, but I’m gonna plough through it because I really don’t care. Darkness descends. Katana wanders into the dragon’s mouth in search of some guy called Dong Huo. A shooting star flits by squealing “look at me!”

Katana walks through some fire.

Literally brushes elbows with a mummy.

Narrowly escapes, to the mummy’s outrage.

Mummy: You will not troll death forever, Katana Langurd!

Emerges later, runs into the same mummy and makes a… different impression.

(Remind me to come after this mummy later, as he needs to be in jail.)

Glitch-teleports out of the cave, onto a rock.

Goes back for round two, looks for Dong Huo in this rock box, but just gets knocked around some more.

Oh look, he’s there now.

Gets attacked, not by Dong Huo but by Random Sidekick Mummy, and gets cursed. (Shit.)

Gets her ass handed to her by Dong Huo…

…but still completes the mission and reaches Visa Level 3?

Katana: Wtf? China makes no sense at all.

I’m with you there, and here’s the cherry on top:

What do you know? Apparently Lira was there the whole time.
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Sorry this chapter is a mess, but that’s the kind of week I’ve been having.

Thank you all for convincing me to buy things, even if it didn’t work out. In the end, it’s probably best that I missed the sale because I had other unforeseen expenses (traffic cops suck).

I’ve been splitting my slacking time at work between about seven different legacies, so hopefully I’ll be caught up on all of those soon!

Happy Simming!

-Sam