4.5 Mrs. White in the Library with the Pipe

Are you ready for a good old-fashioned game of whodunnit?

Well too bad, ‘cause there’s very little mystery here. It’s been clear for a few chapters that there’s no love lost between Lira and Weston, and clear for Lira’s whole life that she’s up to no good.

Weston: For heaven’s sake, where are we going?

Lira: Isn’t this wonderful? The snow is blowing so white on the mountain tonight!

Weston: I still don’t–

Lira: Time to let it go, Stepfather!

Lira: A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I’m the queen…

Lira: On second thought, you can be the king.

And the king’s reign was long and peaceful, like a good night’s sleep.

Meanwhile, Lira pranced on home to disturb some more shit.

Lira: Well, well, well. You’re the one who’s going to bear my brother’s children?

Lira: Not if I rip out your ovaries first!

Lira: My future whelps will thank me.

Boa: It’s okay, let’s take a selfie.

Katana: Go back to the swamp, noobs.

I guess Katana went on to lecture her because our misunderstood heiress wound up in the corner, stewing over pictures of the legacy’s birthplace.

Lira: Sunset Valley, hmph! I’m going to take this family somewhere dark and dreary where the sun never sets because it never rises!

Balboa: Maybe we should just go back to the pond…

Lira: What are you doing here? I left you for dead on that snowy hill!

Weston: For dead? What’s going on here, Lira?

Lira: Never mind, have another drink on me. Oops, I dropped it.

Lira: /’ll go prepare your burial box.

Lev: Hiya, I’m Lev Langurd! If you’re going to marry my brother, you should know that I’m available for the post of Maid of Honour and general BFF. I’m great at nail painting and deeply personal life chats.

Malissa: Oh.

Lira: Good, Lev! Keep running interference!

Balboa: Where were we? Oh yeah, we should go catch butterflies later, with our tongues.

Malissa: I like the sound of that.

Lev: Hahaha I know right?

Poor Lev. She may never get her fairytale romance. She was already down on her luck when she rolled Workaholic, but her prospects are even worse now that she’s a spare.

What’s a spare to do? Apparently, gossip with other spares about people whose lives are more important than theirs. Well, if it makes them feel better…

Florin: Do you think the baby will be a toad if he knocks her up now?

Lev: More like a tadpole!

Florin: But he can make those on his own!

Okay ew, go back to your petty lives now.

Thankfully, Boa took advantage of their absence to ask his toad princess an important question.

Boa: Will you– shit!

Malissa: Eventually, with enough dietary fibre.

Boa: K and afterwards, will you be my wife?

Malissa: Oh, how romantic!

Outside, a snowstorm of trouble was brewing. Lira (yes, Lira) may have locked all the doors in the house, but that didn’t prevent Weston climbing up the dang fire pole to the emergency exit entrance.

Weston: It’s okay, this is all a mistake. You can’t actually want me to freeze out here.

Weston: The hell? You DO want me to freeze out here!

Door: Password please! 😀

I know y’all are wondering about this strange, cold storyline that I am expertly weaving through the warmer romantic moments. Well, let me tell you something. House space is a valuable thing. We’re trying to start a new generation and Weston, father of two spares, is no longer helping anything by living here except himself. You might even say he’s stealing his livelihood from the legacy household. And you know that the House of Langurd does not tolerate thieves!

But never mind that, because his child murderer is about to become…

Lira: Legally able to go to prison!

She has the socks for it, I guess.

Okay seriously…

Why do I always get sims who look weirdly like real people? Pre-makeover Lira is kind of a ringer for Ellaria Sand from Game of Thrones.

Post-makeover Lira is considerably more terrifying, especially after she developed Friendly as her fifth trait. Evil and Friendly? Those three words are exactly why Umbridge is a better villain than Voldemort.

Drachma: If I open my mouth wide enough, will the cake fly into it?

Several explosions later, Toadboa infused Mandrake-or-Mandragora Root with some other questionable substances.

And threw it at his betrothed.

Boa: After this it’s off to bed and we go make babies, ‘kay?

Mal: Ribbit?

Lev: So, do you want to build a snowman?

Balboa: LEEEEEEEV, we have to make babies!

Lev: Oh my god, get a room.

Malboa: GLADLY.

But that spelled bad news for Lira. If her brother filled the last empty house space, she’d have to wait years to produce an heir candidate, and what if everyone grew to love Boa Jr. in the meantime, and blah blah blah, so you know, let’s go on a rampage with a frozen bloody pipe.

Lira: A clean decapitation. Excellent.

Poor, unsuspecting Weston had resigned himself to homelessness and was chillin’ downtown. Kinda literally—what’s with the shorts, buddy?

Sources cannot confirm whether Katana, just one block away, was oblivious to her husband’s plight or simply turning a blind eye.

Katana: I’ll blind you.

Katana: Hurry the fuck up, son. You call that a snowman?

Ah, the working life really suits her.

Actually, I’m not even kidding. She’s earned so many autonomous promotions that she’s actually started saying yes to things. BOOM, Hell just froze over.

Weston: Katana, are you involved in your daughter’s plot against me?

Katana: Yes.

Weston: So you want to see me die?

Katana: Yes.

Weston: What kind of marriage is this?

Katana: Yes.

Conniving little sneak that he is, Weston holed up in the Festival Lot before I could tell him no.

Lira: I can see I’ve been unreasonable. Why don’t I make it up to you with a sno cone?

Weston: Sure, that’s just what I need right now!

Luckily, Weston is “Easily Impressed,” which might as well be renamed “Sucker.”

Lira: Alright, are you ready for your sno-cone?

Lira: Here it comes!

Weston: HAEEUUURRRRK!!

Forceful ingestion never ends well.

Lira: Oh look, you made it lime-flavoured!

Weston: Why are you doing this to me? What did I ever do to deserve this?

Lira: Oh, nothing really. You’re just in the way of things. Didn’t you ever wonder at your permanence here when they never gave you a makeover?

Lira: If you get hungry out here, feel free to resort to cannibalism.

Passerby: Wait what?

Lira: Or you can sleep, that’s fine too.

Passerby: Phew.

‘Kay, know what? Scratch all that about Weston doing nothing wrong. Weston is a little shit. He flirts with every Face One who passes the front gate.

Weston: Lovely weather, eh?

Lady: Your teeth are chattering like a jackhammer.

Mrs. Mesh Fail: Hey, sexy.

OMG please fucking stop.

Lira: Hey, sexy.

What a convenient time for our first alien visitor, Xeep Pa’Lhaxalic. All hail Xeep, doorway to endless possibilities!

Xeep: I’m not a doorway, I’m a real boy! *leaves*

Weston: For crying out loud, Lira! Are you really going to kill me so you can fill the house with half-breed children?

Lira: Yes.

Weston: Don’t you realize, even with me dead, there are only two empty spaces? Enough for Malissa and her future baby! In fact, you’re actually helping your brother!

Lira: Shut up, math is hard!

Lira: Now stay in there FOREVER!

Meh, we’ll get him another time.

Lira wasn’t quite so willing to let it slide—two steps in the door and he was forced to head out again for her graduation.

Weston: I really hate stepchildren.

On the bright side, we got to see SimHeather and her new husband! Not a bad pair if I may say so.

Dimitri: *fountain of poetic Russian*

Derrr, although I’m not sure how I feel about her being married to Boa’s enemy…

It appears he’s also a bit of a player.

Heather: Please! Laurel Grisby? Do you honestly think I need to be worried?

Truesay.

Fuck that, you’re too good for him!

Since we’re Sim-spying, here’s Tommy’s tyke Jaime, still looking smug as shit.

And Florin’s flame Kacey, a MARRIED WOMAN.

Kendell Shelley: Yep, that’s my wife!

Seriously?? I know Florin’s a loser, but this purple-haired, melty-faced dweeb? Blegh.

Kendell: Did I mention that’s my wife?

Obligatory post-grad clusterfuck. I think Lira and Weston wore themselves out with their little war.

Speaking of war…

Drachma: Hey! Aren’t you that girl I wanted to beat up in elementary?

Maebe: Huh?

Oh yeah.

#wishfulfillmentftw

Loretta: Haha, you lose!

That dumbass would be my Simself’s daughter. WOULD be, but I’m disowning her.

Kendell: I’M MARRIED!

Kacey: Yes, I haven’t forgotten.

Florin: Why would you settle for someone so insensitive? It hurts, Kacey. It hurts. No one can love you like I do.

Hear that? That’s shit. It’s hitting the fan.

Kendell: But… we’re married!

Kacey: Yeah, and you used to have eyebrows. Things change.

This is wrong, Florin! Take the high road, I’m begging you!

Florin: Look, Kacey, I don’t want to hurt anymore. Let’s agree to just be friends and spare my poetry book a few pages.

Kacey: No, Florin.

Kendell: GASP!

Kacey: I don’t want to “just be friends”! What part of all this has made you think I want to  “just be friends”?

Florin: Um, a generous 85 percent?

Kendell: Sigh. Guess I’m right back to the finger-painting college…

Nothing a change of lighting and dramatic camera angle can’t fix.

Florin: What do I say now?

Something sweet. Something comforting.

Florin: Derrr… Do you want to wear my bubble vest?

Good god, was that code for something?

Florin: Look out, ladies, there’s a new Langurd Womanizer in town!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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And now for a special bonus edition of Lev’s Background Exploits!

Lev: Man, I’m hungry. Anyone got a sandwich?

Maximus McDermott: How ‘bout I buy you some flowers and we can make a sandwich of our own, eh?

Lev: Yeurgh! That’s okay, looks like I get to digest my breakfast again.

Lev: But lemme make you a deal. Ten years down the road when I’m a forgotten spare, you can be my fallback, okay?

Maximus: Okay.

Lev: I really wish you’d make me a sandwich though.

Maximus: That’s your job.

So much for that.

Lev: MEN ARE STUPID!

And after massacring every man in sight (except her mother’s beautiful clown), she realized her calling in life.

Lev: I wanna be a Renaissance Sim!

A logical progression of events.

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Sorry I’m so behind on comments! All these Liebster shenanigans have me so worn out. I’ll get back to you all soon, promise!

Happy Simming!

-Sam

P.S. I added a page to the header menu under “Everything Else” called “Mysteries of the Universe Explained.” Unfortunately, I couldn’t explain all of the mysteries, but I tackled two: the baby names in this legacy and the chapter titles. Which imo goes a pretty long way to help you understand this crazy world. Anyway, I thought it might be of some interest to you guys, but if not, no worries! It’s there now, and I’ll probably suck at updating it like I suck at updating everything else. 😀