4.14 Sing Me to Sleep

^  ^ Hopefully this post doesn’t do anything of the sort.

But hey, just in case, I take no responsibility for any drool damage to your keyboards.

Last time, Death struck the Langurd house twice in as many hours, leaving Boa and Weston wifeless. It was a rough blow for both of the men, but apparently I’m starting this chapter with Lira because I have no sympathy.

Lira: Rockabye baby, in the spaceship…

Nice try — there’s no wind in space.

Gumby: Heehee, you said “wind”!

And you’d best enjoy it while you can, little buddy…

…because it’s back to nursery jail until your child birthday.

Gumby: But I’m c-c-cowd! And s-scawed!

Mama don’t care. And neither do Niall, coolest kitty west of the River Shannon.

Niall: Are yeh sure yeh don’ mind me sittin’ on the furniture, ma’am?

Niall: Looks like a mighty fine place for a wee piss.

Lira: I had a thought…

Please don’t have thoughts. They always end in disaster.

Lira: Don’t worry, you’ll like this one!

Lira: Mama’s gone now. She won’t be needing this anymore.

That’s like saying Smaug doesn’t need his gold anymore because he’s sleeping. You don’t want to wake the dragon, Lira.

Lira: Too late.

Do you expect me to believe you hauled that all out by yourself?

Lira: I am the queen of ceramics… do you think I had to lift a finger?

Vase army: We shall obey you forevermore!

Yes, Lira’s grand “thought” was to sell off most of Katana’s cave loot, earning the family a sizeable chunk of dough.

She then hijacked another ancestor’s prized possession and set off for Downtown Creepyville.

Katana’s retribution was hot on her heels.

Ghost: You won’t get away with this, traitor!

I want to go back to Sunset Valley D*:

But it’s a bit late for that, seeing as Lira just purchased “For Rent,” a shabby little shopping duplex in downtown MH. Yes, the Langurds now OWN a property that is perpetually called “For Rent.”

There’s probably a way to change that, but I didn’t think of it.

Lira: I love my “For Rent.”

Let’s just hope the customers don’t get confused and start moving their furniture in.

It is absolutely necessary that the Langurds spread their obnoxious decorating tastes around town. So I added some colour, but not too much colour. The end result was very… Lira.

We then stocked the place with the fruits of her labour. The end result was an ugly mess and I am proud to say that I will never own a business, since I am apparently clueless at marketing, merchandising, AND avoiding lawsuits (I give it two days ‘til someone breaks a leg on those carpet gizmos).

Oh, and the store doesn’t even work because our clerks call in sick in an endless chain of glitchiness. Basically our dreams are shot to hell.

Lira: You’re next, gnomes.

Evil Gnome: A’ight boiz, it’s time to make our exit! Who’s got the Barrel of Monkeys?

Bunny: Awwww shit, I thought you said Barrel of Junkies.

Chorus: BUNNY…

Gumby is quickly learning how to survive amidst inanimate threats and has chosen his allies wisely. Boomerang II, Pinkie Pie, Hippopotacorn and Datass the Tiger make up his household guard.

Gumby: *shaking*

And don’t get me started on interplanetary threats — poor kid’s got half the galaxy on his tail, too.

Exe: Hello, I was wondering if you could help me. I’m on a mission to bring a certain Teqeq To’Vedachot back to his home planet.

And who are you, his girlfriend?

Exe: Oh, I wouldn’t say that.

Beat it, Greenie. Teqeq’s on a quest of self-discovery — he’s probably halfway up the Mississippi River, drinking sweet tea in a star-spangled inner tube.

Exe: Thanks for the lead.

Who knows what would happen if Teqeq’s kin found out we were harbouring one of their own? Lucky we have Miss Niall on guard duty to ward off unwanted visitors.

Niall: That’s right, they can g’wan home an’ stick a sack o’ potatoes up their arse.

Sometimes she gets a bit distracted from her post.

Pudding: I will never be distracted from my post.

Says the ultimate #thirdwheel.

Mandrake: Are the kitties going to have babies?

Balboa: I don’t know son, why don’t you play some music and get them into the mood?

Mandrake: Good idea!

Mandrake: ♩Caaaan you feeeeeeel the looooove tonight ♫

Boa: NOT THAT SONG! Oh, my heart… Malissa!

Morgana: It’s so tragic! Left to raise a baby boy all alone in a cabin…

Why don’t you go tell Ara to write a book about it?

Morgana: This, uh, wouldn’t exactly be Ara’s kind of tale.

No, you’re right. If Ara wrote it, it would involve more bee attacks.

Boa: YOU’RE writing it! And I’m still getting attacked!

And more inappropriate, “too soon” flirtations. (Fun fact: “inappropriate flirtations” is one of the top tags on this blog.)

Balboa: No, Annie, I can’t go on a date with you. I get all the love I need from my bees, thanks very much.

You know, you could have said “My wife just died.”

Balboa: THANKS FOR REMINDING ME.

So yes, as you can see, things are not going so well on Boa’s side of the lot.

Lira: My life is just peachy! And grapey! And raspberry-y! And… whatever the blue flavour is!

You’re not winning any points for sensitivity…

…I mean really, Boa JUST locked up this garden in tribute to his beloved, and now you’re stomping around in there smiling about life?

Lira: The gnomes were having a party.

Pudding: RIP Katana! Clearly the only important absence in our lives right now!

But let’s not forget 4.13’s other widow, charged with the wellbeing of Squishy McSquishball since Katana graciously vacated her post as his only caretaker.

WHOA GUYS. Maybe that’s why she left us so early??

Weston: Damn you, Katana!

Weston: Just get me out of here already.

Truly the emptiest existence imaginable.

Boa: Better empty than full of shit.

A valid point. But if you two are just going to argue over whose life sucks the most, I’ll be forced to stop documenting you.

Lira: So your girlfriend showed up at our door yesterday.

Teqeq: Why, did you lock yourself out?

…

Dammit Lira, how could you have let this smooth son of a bitch go???

Boa: Why is this my job again?

He’s not a job, Boa. He’s a BABY. For god’s sake, have some compassion you asshat.

Gumby: Can anybody find me somebody to love??

Easy, Freddie.

Meanwhile, Motherless Mandrake was sleeping like a log…

(I’m sorry, my notes told me to use that caption. I can’t disobey them.)

Weston: You know, in some countries, neglecting your infant child is a punishable crime.

Lira: Most countries, actually.

Weston: Does this bother you at all?

Lira: Not as much as the wall that’s down behind you.

Every time I warm up to Weston, he does some shit like go on a date with his stepson’s ex-girlfriend and her two-year-old son.

Weston: Think we might rekindle that old flame?

Kacey: You mean the flame that ravaged your umbrella? Kindle away, bye-bye now.

(Why is Kacey in Midnight Hollow? I don’t even know. I probably brought her here as backup in case Florin couldn’t win with any foreign girls. Which he couldn’t, but anyway.)

I include these pictures because I have designs of someday making a composite of every Langurd ever riding Tewl’s orange “The Beast.” We will then stage a “Who Wore It Best” competition with seven gruelling days of polling.

Just kidding, ain’t nobody got time fo that.

Lira definitely won’t be getting any votes for “wearing it best” since she doesn’t even know how to drive the damn thing home.

Lira: I got tired. You should never drive tired.

Oh, so THAT’S where you draw the line?

I sometimes forget how long ago I played these screenshots. I call this one “It’s a meteor! It’s a lightning strike! No wait… I just installed Into the Future.”

The big bang and screen shaking scared the crap out of me and I forgot how to take real pictures. Then I was really disappointed in ITF and we didn’t use any of its features until many chapters later.

THE END.

GASP! A cat love triangle! Surge, how could you??

Pudding: I thought you were in love with Niall.

Lt. Surge: Nonsense, milady. Monogamy is for pussies.

Pudding: But we are—

Lt. Surge: Be silent! All we need is love, baby.

Thought I’d have Lira check in on “For Rent,” see how the new toy empire was doing.

Customer: Oh my, these little whales are adorable!

Lira: Hook, line, and sinker!

Lira: Do you have any questions about the merchandise?

Customer: Yes, how am I supposed to live here with these metal doodads cluttering up the place?

*sigh* Maybe time to change the name on the store front…

…but right now, it’s time for Mandrake’s birthday!

Mandrake: Weeeee, life! I don’t mind living in filth or a broken family! Everything is GREAT!

Mandrake: Ugh, who am I kidding? My life is a mess.

Poor guy rolled Workaholic, and with that face, that makes him a virtual replica of Midlife Crisis Balboa… in child form. Excellent.

On top of that, he is now Lira’s “Hold my plumbob for a sec” companion while she travels in the French countryside. Why is Lira in France? Because it’s time to get cracking on “Monster Maker” and life fruit is hard to come by. If I were wise, I would’ve had Katana horde them… “If I were wise.” PAHAHAHAHA.

Lira: I am looking for Tuatha’s Garden.

Stranger: Jeez, woman. You couldn’t just ask me to my face?

Mandrake: Auntie, I’m bored! Let’s go.

Manny’s first rolled wish.

He is definitely his parents’ child.

Oh my, I forgot what sunlight looked like! ❤ MH might be the death of my retinas.

So Tuatha’s Garden, for those who don’t know, is a little bitch of a hidden gem in the middle of the river in Champs Les Sims. Somehow, we made it through Seasoned Traveller last generation without visiting it. It’s widely recognized as the hardest tomb in the game, which might explain why Katana avoided it. However, the rewards match the risks and that means she also avoided a plethora of gems, fruits, and rare grapes for making wine. What an idiot.

Probably an equally valid reason why we haven’t touched it is that it’s impossible to get to, being on an island. But I was all “trolololol, we have boats now” and thought Lira could just sneak in the back entrance. Well, no. This fortress is not so easily cracked. We had to go the long way.

Which involved…

Chasing butterflies.

Lira: “Hardest tomb in the game,” my foot!

Route failing on the coolest bird I’ve ever seen.

Lira: I can’t pick it up it’s so far away

Finding this beautiful hunk of rock right after ejecting stomach acid all over it…

Lira: Well, that is a shame…

And having the worst timing ever.

Lira: Ready? On three. One… two…

Nope.

Lira: Shot through the heart! And the shoulder! And the legs! And the butt! And the crotch!

“Shot Through The Crotch,” the hit single that never was.

Through all that, she still made it out the other end! And holy shit, it’s paradise.

Lira: Don’t mind if I do!

You modern-day Eve, you.

Lira: Heehee! I took them ALL!

Don’t be so smug, it wasn’t even enough for one SimBot. 😡 We’ll have another international trek ahead of us yet. (Just when I thought I was done with World Adventures.)

“Don’t rest” indeed. Still, carrying on your mother’s legacy in more ways than one… I’m pretty impressed.

 

Not with you, Boa. What are you even doing with your life?

Boa: You know what I’m doing.

That’s right, but I can’t tell the readers yet so you get to look like a deadbeat for a while longer.

Boa: Screw you.

 

He does have plans. PLANS TO REPLACE MALISSA. God, Boa, how could you be so cold-hearted??

Not to mention he and a very married Laserkatt are still plotting to overthrow me. D:

 

Hauntings are at an all-time high.

Razor: I do not wish to purchase this couch!

Lira: Good, then don’t.

And the cat love triangle continues.

Niall: Can yeh be honest with me, Master Mandrake? D’yeh think Serge’s moved on to younger lasses?

Mandrake: Don’t be silly, Niall, you’re a spring chicken! He’ll never find a catch as good as you.

Niall: Yeh’re just sayin’ that.

Mandrake: Girl, I never lie to a sister.

Niall is, in fact, an elder — she has been since the day we adopted her. But I really do want to breed her, so I might tweak some mod settings to make it possible.

Meanwhile, the progeny of my simself’s cats are enough to turn anyone against feline breeding.

Ugly: Save yourselves.

Dr. Weston: Come one, come all to my free vaccination clinic!

Bystanders: This seems legit.

Azula: Wait a second, do you have fleas?

Weston: Nope!

(Yes.)

Todd: Hey doc, I’m onto you! You’re the guy who let Trang Pham die outside the gypsy caravan!

Weston: Nonsense!

(He is.)

Weston: This is for being alive while Katana is dead.

Lance: Owww, but I’m younger than her! It makes sense!

It does, but I definitely think Weston put something weird in that syringe. All of this happened in the two sim hours that followed:

Way to go out with a bang, Lancelot. *suggestive eyebrow wiggle*

Apparently I’m not the only one wiggling my eyebrows around here, if you know what I’m saying.

Sim Susan: Hey, Doctor Hot Stuff.

Weston: I usually go by “McDreamy.”

Spike Collar: C’mon man, what’s this special treatment? We’ve all waited our turn!

Weston: Sorry boys, it’s time for me to go.

Everyone: OMG BUY A NEW UMBRELLA ALREADY!!!

Green Stripes: Healthcare these days. You get what you pay for.

Or sometimes you don’t get any at all, like when you wait patiently for a life-saving vaccination but the doctor doesn’t get to you in time because he’s flirting with simselves.

Annie Lau-Wheeler asked Balboa out again, and while it’s only been a chapter since his wife’s death, the mourning moodlet is gone and that makes everything okay.

Annie: Don’t worry, I understand your hesitation. It’s not easy to fill the void someone leaves in your life, and sometimes you just don’t want to.

Balboa: Exactly! Did you lose a partner too?

Annie: No, but my goldfish died and it’s basically the same thing.

They got along okay.

Boa: And then she said “See this rubber duck? You should get it implanted in your face!”

Annie: NO. FRIGGIN’. WAY.

Boa: And guess what, I took her up on her advice! Can you tell?

Annie: Oh, definitely.

But anything beyond friendly chatter sent them grinding to a halt.

Boa: I bet I could find you some flowers in that dumpster if you want.

Annie: Thanks, but no thanks.

So he made as smooth an exit as any man can make.

Boa: Brb, just gon make a phone call.

Boa: Jk, this is the Tardis.

And it’s back to a lonely life of mixing herbs and breathing fumes. Maybe that’s all he was ever meant for?

Meanwhile, at home, Niall gained the Adventurous trait because I failed to discipline her.

Niall: Guess this means I’ll be eatin’ at the table now, eh?

But look, Lira’s being a real mom! Or maybe just “borrowing” toys for an experiment. I can’t be sure.

Gumby: Whewe’s my poopaw dwagoon?

Lira: I don’t know, sweetie.

Gumby: Da’ss kay, I pway wif Datass instead!

Don’t you ever speak those words again.

Balboa has been really good about (sometimes kind of) helping out with Gumby.

Boa: I will now teach you the art of walking. Step one.

Gumby: OHTAY!

Much as I love the Dollhouse, Boa and Mandrake’s compact living has a certain charm to it. It’s like how we get excited about those DIY camper-trailers on Pinterest that some guy vows he will live in for three years (and then realizes that no, sleeping in an MRI tube is not a pleasant sensation).

Anyway, I’m quickly learning that small spaces can be really versatile in this game. If it weren’t for Mandrake’s energy bar rising like a cast-iron chicken, I’d have nothing to complain about.

The forest hut also has the benefit of being stocked with Magical Cheaty Beverages. Just as well, since Lira needs to multiply her life fruits and doesn’t know a thing about gardening.

Lira: Alright, yellow juice. Make me know things.

It was precisely for that reason that she celebrated her birthday all alone at the library.

Lira: This is the first time I’ve stood up in seven hours!

Which would mean…

Lira: Oops.

Thought so.

On the bright side, she was able to plant her life fruits! …On the sacred ground where Malissa died.

Lira: If I knew her at all, she would want to be reborn as a tree!

You didn’t know her… but that’s probably true.

I had a minor breakdown when I realized Katana’s urn was nowhere to be found. Then I think I sighed audibly when Weston found it in one of the crapshacks (Azula’s? Gabby’s? I don’t even remember).

Katana: About time, idiot.

Weston: Good to have you back, love.

It’ll be nice to see her haunting the lot with other old favourites.

Razor: Pinkie Pie is the best.

Arabella: Absolutely not. Rarity is FAR superior.

Love beyond the grave. ❤

Mandrake: Sigh… I wish I knew more about where I came from.

Mandrake: Will you tell me about my ancestors, Grampa?

Weston: Nope.

Well, I guess that’s a story for another day. (Or, you know, this whole blog.)

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Thanks for sticking with me, guys! After the last post, I spent two days editing screenshots and blocking out the rest of Lira and Boa’s chapters. Then I got really sick of all things Langurd and took a break to watch two seasons of Suits. But I’m hoping to get this generation wrapped up on or around the blog’s birthday (that’s July 12th) so if I’m not posting regularly in the next week, please bother me. Badger me. Poke me with a stick. Whatever works.

On a side note, Happy belated Canada Day to my fellow Canadians (autumnrein and whalerssims and anyone I’m forgetting!). I hope you remembered to bring sweaters to your barbecues because man, that was some mediocre weather. And for tomorrow, Happy Fourth of July to my friends in the south!

To everyone else, Happy Simming!

-Sam