1.7 Partay Rockerz in da Howse

Hi guys! Welcome to yet another sporadic instalment of the Dysfunkshinul Legacy. I was totally planning on captioning this chapter during my nine-hour drive to Chicago last week (don’t worry—I wasn’t the one driving) but obviously, that didn’t happen. Instead, here I am, fresh off a Harry Potter convention and writing this because the finale of The Glee Project hasn’t been posted online yet. Boo. BUT ANYWAY.

For anybody wondering, the glitchy problems I posted about last week are all resolved now. They won’t come into play for a few more chapters yet, but I figured I’d let you know that it’s all good now. 🙂

Tewl returned home from his life-changing date-but-not-really with Morgana to find a stray kitty sleeping on his bed, while Christopher dreamed of betrayal.

Chris: Zzzzzzzz… Gonna kill that traitor with a dagger in his sleep, bwahahaha. Zzzzz… Too bad I’m the one sleeping… Zzzzz…

Kitty: Mrow. I was just keeping it warm for you, Mr. Tewl. Please don’t throw me in the lake! I’ve heard the stories…

Tewl: Shaddup and lemme go to sleep, moggy.

Kitty: Thank you, Mr. Tewl!

The next day, after realizing that it had not been a dream and he had, in fact, entered into a more-than-skin-deep relationship, Tewl invited Morgana over.

Tewl: You make me feel da strange feels, Morgana Wolff.

Morgana: Thanks for saying my name right, Tewl. And I guess you’re not so bad yourself.

STOP BEING SO SAPPY, LOSERS. I’M NO GOOD AT WRITING THIS STUFF. D:

Tewl: Ditch dat husband of yours and be mine?

Morgana: Of course.

Tewl: So whaddya say, bro—I mean, uh, babe. Wanna make dis official an’ move in with me?

Morgana: Oh, totally! Apparently my character is about as passive as a plank of wood, so what else am I supposed to say?

Tewl: Sweet.

I suppose I take a moment to mention something here. I’m aware that Morgana is classified as a Rich Sim, and that marrying one of those idiots to your legacy founder is against the rules—and, well, I’m not cheating. Before this, I went into Edit Town and split up the Wolff household, leaving Morgana and Thornton’s marriage intact (for the time being) but turning Morgana into a bin-dweller with only $12,000 to her name. Yeah, I know, I technically shouldn’t mess with stuff like that. SO SUE ME, I REALLY WANTED HER IN THE LEGACY OKAY?

And so Morgana moved in, and we were suddenly $5,000 richer, and this happened, and I got really excited because YAYLEGACYHOUSE!!!

Tewl: Holy shit. Did that just appear out of thin air?

Sure did. Pretty great, huh?

Tewl: I knew it—Morgana is a witch!

Morgana is not a witch. She is, however, a Family-Oriented Workaholic who is simultaneously Good, Charismatic, and Artistic. If this were a YA novel, I would be calling Mary Sue right about now. She is a Virgo who enjoys classical music, spiceberry, and spaghetti. Fun fact: Morgana’s former husband, just like Tewl, has Commitment Issues. Thus, I have deduced that she is a self-sabotaging harlot who picks only the most incurable louts for partners in the vain hopes that she can somehow make them into better men (not helping the Mary Sue thing at all).

Her LTW is “Surrounded by Family,” which poses a bit of a problem considering she is only fifteen days away from elderhood. Uh-oh. Time to kickstart this legacy with some multiples? Apparently so.

And here’s the inside, because yeah. It’s a bit sparsely furnished and I can tell we’re going to have problems with doorways, but it’s a house so I’m not complaining. Plus I’m more than a little bit proud of the kitchen. I like kitchens.

In addition to spending all of Morgana’s money, Tewl took her car out of her inventory, painted it lime green, and gave it to Christopher as a bribe to be his bro again.

Tewl: *sigh* Dis oughtta do it. Dis wholesum genurosity oughtta bring my bro back, yo.

Yeah, that’s Tewl alright. Just a big-hearted teddy bear of a guy.

Speaking of teddy bears…

Just kidding—no awkward euphemisms this time. We all know what they’re really about to do: pray to the Legacy Stork to bring us lots of legacy babies, of course!

Tewl: Man, dis creator chick is a gigantic prude. Wanna do it?

Morgana: Is that even a question?

Fine then. I guess I can’t be mad at them since they got me a good ol’ lullaby on the first try (although that might have had something to do with the Fertility Treatment I bought Tewl). And you know what that means, folks: generation two is on its way!

(Also, Morgana got a makeover. And Tewl’s hair saws through the headboard, lol.)

Meanwhile, Chris arrived home from a long night’s work, clutching “The Adventures of Raymundo” for comfort.

Chris: Uh, what the hell happened here? Did I take a wrong turn on the way home?

Nope! Welcome to your new house!

Chris: I, uh… This will take some getting used to. I’m going to hide away with Raymundo for a moment.

Ooooooooh. 😉

Chris: I hate you.

Chris gets to have plenty of moments with Raymundo, thank you very much, so I forced him to get over it and get cracking with his love life. This little dweeb ain’t getting any younger, you know.

Chris: Hey there! So do you want to come over, Tuesday?

Tuesday: You wish for me to come over on Tuesday?

Chris: GOD, NO. Just get your butt over to my place, okay?

Tuesday: There’s no need to be rude, Christopher.

It’s official: 15 Summer Hill Court has turned from a dungheap “bachiller” pad to a domestic haven where people cook—what’s this?—real meals!

Chris: This is just too strange for me to handle. Could you at least have left the wallpaper?

Stop complaining or there’ll be no mac and cheese for you. 😡

Chris: So hey, do you think you’d maybe like to move in with me, Tuesday?

Tuesday: Absolutely! According to my schedule, Tuesday is wide open for moving-in purposes!

(OMG. Please don’t misinterpret that!)

On second thought, maybe do misinterpret it because freaking Tuesday is going to be an old lady in just ONE DAY, so we really have to get a move on with these things.

Chris: I love you, Tuesday.

Tuesday: Will you still love me on Wednesday?

Chris: No offense, but that’s kind of getting old.

Tuesday: So am I!

D:<

I got halfway through giving Tuesday a makeover when I suddenly unlocked the secret of her origin. I thought she’d just popped up in Christopher’s relationship panel out of the blue, but as it turns out, she was actually the first repairperson to visit the Langurd household. And she has maxed-out handiness and these grungy overalls to show for it. Neat!

As an added bonus, she also has two missing traits and no favourite food or colour. She’s Grumpy and Handy and has a Green Thumb. She enjoys Egyptian music. Also, she is a Taurus and wants to OMG I NEVER CHECKED HER LTW. I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF SHE HAS ONE. D:

Tuesday: Personality incomplete. Cannot go on with life. Will spend rest of days staring at flame walls. Ha. Ha. Haha.

(At this point I hacked into her brain with Master Controller and rolled for her missing stats; she is now Eco-Friendly and Artistic and has developed a taste for aqua and spaghetti. You’re welcome, Miss Sears.)

Oh. She sure is grumpy alright, but I think she looks a whole lot cuter in the girlie little outfit I gave her.

Tuesday: How dare they dress me in ruffles? Fools.

Nice face, Morgana.

Morgana: Oh dear, I don’t feel so good…

Morgana: BLEEEGGGHHHH.

Not the porch! I just spent like fifteen minutes patterning that. :O

So I suppose Morgana did have one illicit but inevitable souvenir left over from her life as a rich bitch, and that was this lovely laptop.

Morgana: I’ve never seen this thing in my life.

Apparently you’ve been carrying it around in your pocket for years.

Morgana: What if I don’t have pockets? :O

Since she was going to be sitting around home for a while and we needed money like crazy, I had her start writing a book. (Yeah, I may have some delusions about writing as a lucrative career. Go ahead, laugh.) It was to be a heartfelt, semi-autobiographical tale entitled “An Inkorijibal Kase” about one woman who turns a pathological heartbreaker into a loving boyfriend. I’m pretty sure she abandoned it after this one instance because I sold her laptop like a day later. 😀

Now that he’d given Chris some more time to cool off, and now that the two of them were living under the same roof in fully funkshinul, unentangled relationships, Tewl tried his hand at rekindling the old brohood.

Tewl: Come on, Chris, it’s been weeks! You’re not still mad about the whole Tallulah thing, are you?

Chris: Sorry, Tewl. I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.

…What?

And so Tewl ran off sulking to the middle of Sunset Valley. To be honest, as I’m looking back at these screenshots, I’m not sure why I sent him there. I think I wanted to observe the town’s antics after installing Twallan’s Story Progression. Oh well, time for Meaningless Adventures with Tewl!

Who, it seems, found himself hotly pursued by the ever-subtle Erin Kennedy.

Tewl: God, Erin, I know you’re there. Stupid stalker bitch.

Erin: Nonsense. I am simply a tree. Blowing in the wind… down the street.

Give it a break and go do a crossword or something, will you?

Down at the pool, Tewl encountered his old nemesis, Grandpa Potato Hea— err, Beau Andrews.

Tewl: Awesome! Potato guy got old, yo!

Beau: Humph. I knew I should have stayed home to watch that fifth coat of Burnt Umber dry.

Is it just me or is he walking dangerously close to the pool?

To answer my burning question, this is apparently what’s happening to my town with the new mod installed. I am glad to see the social order working itself out so wonderfully.

Madison VanMoron: This bitch just killed Monika!

Tori: So what are you gonna do about it, fatty?

But apparently things haven’t changed that much because THIS is still happening.

Susan: Time for another day out on the town, eh Boyd?

Boyd: Ahh, making memories!

Advantage #23049203598 of the Langurds’ New House: Chris can fish in the pond across the road while his overbearing adoring girlfriend keeps a creepyconvenient eye on him through the oversized windows!

Chris: The thing above my head says I approve, but I really don’t.

Deal with it. And catch me some fish, or that invisible furniture issue is going to become more than just a graphical thing.

You know how some Sims just have that one trait that keeps rearing its head at every possible second? Yeah, well, Tuesday’s “Grumpy” is a raging, three-headed, billion-tentacled, venomous cave beast.

Tuesday: Argh! Christopher is spending all his time fishing and no time with me! This is completely unacceptable!

Morgana: Geeze, Tuesday, stop being such a refrigerator.

Tuesday: TEWL LANGURD. How dare you inflict such menial domestic chores on your woman? This is absolutely no way to treat the love of your life! She is a perfectly worthy human being who is just as capable—

Tewl: Whoa, chill! She just started washin’ them by herself, you psycho!

Naturally, since she was proving to be such an unpleasant Sim, I decided this was the next step.

Tuesday: A wedding arch? Oh, I must be marrying Tewl.

Yes, that. That is the next step.

Tewl: Welp, time to marry dat Tuesday girl I guess.

Chris: AAIWERTPOAIJG;LKADJFH’ADFH. I can’t believe this! Again?? I HATE YOU, TEWL!

Guys, calm down. Some people just need to sort out their damn thought bubbles, that’s all.

Drama aside, Tewl has set about consistently shocking me by doing autonomous mushy crap like this.

Tewl: Come ‘ere, Sugar Pie.

Morgana: Oh, Snoogie-Woogums.

That’s just so— excuse me while I—

[SEVEN HOURS LATER — not even kidding.]

Whew, okay. You guys almost had to find yourselves another creator right there. Can we move on now, please?

Apparently not because, over in the Pretty Scenery Zone, Chris and Tuesday ALSO keep on doing autonomous crap like this. What is wrong with this household? (Absolutely nothing, I tell you, and that is precisely the problem.)

Seriously, does this household look dysfunctional to you?

And autonomous crap like—

No, not really. I made him do this. But please, with a guy like Christopher, we all knew it was coming sooner or later.

Chris: Hummmmm… Man, I really wish I had a ring right now but we are poor as dirt. Maybe if I just close my eyes and…

Chris: Whoa, cool! How did that get there?

Tuesday: Christopher!

Chris: So what do you say, huh? Make me a happy man and marry me, Tuesday?

Tuesday: Screw it, Christopher—let’s just get married tonight!

And that, I promise, is the last time I will lamely play off of her oh-so-versatile name.

Meanwhile, a witness to the whole event:

Morgana: BLEAECCKGGKKHHH. Oh god, the sappiness… The melodrama… The jokes!

Look who’s talking, Sugar Pie. Now you’d better clean that vomit off my lawn or there’ll be hell to pay.

I’m pretty sure Morgana blew chunks more times during this pregnancy than any one Sim has in my game, ever. Is it that pin-sized stomach of hers trying desperately to make room for a young’un? Is it a sign of mayhem to come? Only time will tell.

But most probably it’s because Tewl keeps cooking these things.

Tewl: Aww man, tofu dogs! I’m so damn excited! Can they cook faster, please?

I don’t really understand this since he doesn’t have the vegetarian trait (and neither does anybody else in the household) but I swear, they’re all he ever makes. I can only hope he presses his nose up to the microwave long enough to acquire some kind of radiation defect, like an extra ear, or a conscience.

Tewl: Yo, screw you.

Fortunately my concerns about this legacy turning into a sapfest were put to rest when Tewl rolled this a few minutes later. Except TOO BAD, that’s not happening. Neither is EA’s grammar, apparently.

In case you hadn’t noticed, these two are hogging the screen time because they are new and interesting and quite frankly I am getting sick of Tewlopher and their stupid, petty nemesis deal. Unfortunately, because Tuesday is just a natural grouch, these guys aren’t much better.

Morgana: Hi, Tuesday! Congrats on your engagement!

Tuesday: You again? What, do you like live here or something?

PARTY TIME! Since the Langurds don’t really have an extended network of family or friends yet, I just invited the most awkward bunch of people I could possibly imagine. You know—most of Tewl’s ex-girlfriends, Morgana’s ex-husband, the girl who tore the bros apart… the Wainwrights.

Oh, and Pauline Wan gatecrashed because she’s an idiot.

Pauline: LOL, I’m an idiot.

Boyd: OKAY SUSAN, GET THE DANCE FLOOR WARMED UP. I’M JUST GOING TO PARK THE CAR OVER HERE AND I’LL BE RIGHT IN.

That’s not a parking lot, that’s a— oh, never mind.

(Side note: I’m not sure if this is new or if I’ve just noticed it, but the way elders sit when they’re driving. Priceless. XD)

Susan: I like Aeroplane Jelly, Aeroplane Jelly for me! 😀

Like a good host, Tewl stood outside to greet the guests. In a couple of cases, he got a little more than he bargained for.

Pauline: Well hello there, Tewl. I’ve heard a lot about you. Feel free to take a longer-than-socially-acceptable look if you must.

Tewl: No can do, Philippe. I’se a one-woman man now. And don’t worry, I done heard about you, too. Lemme just say you should get your pedals checked, yo.

Boyd: Well, this is just embarrassing.

He also had Thornton Wolff, his nemesis, ask for an autograph.

Tewl: No can do, pal. I hate you.

Thornton: Wha—? Aww…

Of course there were paparazzi there, and naturally Holly decided to socialize with them rather than the A-listers themselves. What an airhead.

Holly: So here’s the scoop, Dorothy: Tewl dated Erin, then Vicky Squeakums, then me—then, like OMG, he cheated on me with Tori Kimura and some bouncer chick. Then he stole his best friend’s pregnant girlfriend and ditched her when he fell in love with his personal stalker. So Vicky’s married to a chipmunk now, I’m dating a guy three times my age, the Wainwrights are bat-shit crazy, and rumour has it Tewl’s got a bunch of illegitimate kids running around town. Like, whoa!

Dorothy: You’re just a hoot, Holly! I’ll keep all those secrets locked up tight… NOT. Prepare for some paper bag moodlets, LOSERS!

Ah, Christopher Steel. This is how we first found him back at the beginning of the legacy, looking sharp as an elven dagger in his formalwear. *sniff* And now here he is, after all the drama, on his wedding day, ready to marry the girl of his dreams.

Chris: Yes, today I finally get a slice of the happiness I deserve after you ruined my life by moving me in with Tewl.

Yeah, well… well… YOU STOLE THE FOOTBALL. 😡

Things started off a little awkward as I expected.

Victoria: Squeak squeak, squeak squeaker-squeak.

Tewl: Cool story, bro.

Pauline (butts in desperately): What are you, like homeless? HA. HAHA. High-five, Tewl!

Victoria: Squeak?

The awkwardness might have had something to do with this. I would have just laughed if she were reading Raymundo, but I’m pretty sure this is a book about gardening or something. UNACCEPTABLE. GO SOCIALIZE, GRUMP-FACE.

Also contributing to the awkwardness was the fact that Erin showed for, like, five seconds before driving off again.

Erin: *grumble* Swines, all of them. This legacy will never survive without me.

Oh, get over it. Go adopt a cat or something.

Erin: Fine.

(She did. His name is Henry.)

Morgana: Hello, Victoria. I know there might be some tension between us because of Tewl’s previous life—before I reformed him with my angelic charm, that is. But I just want you to know that there are no hard feelings, so we can just skip all the drama and be friends. What do you think?

Victoria: Squeakety squeak.

And the party raged on into the wee hours of the morning evening.

Soon it was time for stuff to actually happen because otherwise the guests would have left before Chris and Tuesday got hitched, and then I would have bought the damn arch for nothing.

Please focus on the pretty lightning and ignore the fact that I bloody well forgot to put the roof up. 😡

Morgan Freeman: We are gathered here today to witness the union of two—

Get on with it! We’re losing daylight here!

Morgan Freeman: So be it.

And what an emotional audience they had. So much for “da flame doesn’t cry, yo.”

Tewl: Shaddup, dese are acid tears. Da flame cries like a man.

Susan: I have tenfingers? Boyd, come look at this!

Boyd: One moment, Susan. My glasses are fogging up here.

Thornton: *sniff* OMG, worst wedding ever. This is just… this is just *sniff* pathetic. I hate everything.

Pauline: I can’t believe I snuck into the wedding of the century! Yes! I’m going to post pictures alllll over MySpace.

Tamara: Why would they even invite me?

Pigtail girl: You’re asking me, sister?

And you, Morgana? What have you got to say for yourself?

Morgana: I am a cardboard Mary Sue and you really suck at writing my dialogue, so I’m just going to stay quiet on this one.

True say.

And then Tewl stole all the attention by having his birthday right in the middle of their vows. Like, really—I didn’t even get a picture of Chris and Tuesday’s kiss.

Tewl: YEAH, BIRFDAY TIME!!

Morgana: Now this is something I can get excited about. My boyfriend’s going to be all mature and manly! Yay!

*AAAAAHHEEEEMMMMM* Yeah.

Susan: Excuse me! Can’t you see there are people getting MARRIED here?

Tewl: SparklesparkleWOO! Yeah, da Flame is better dan ever! You can all call me “Da Blaze” now.

No thank you.

Pigtail girl: MY EYES!

Pauline: So dreamy… Get in line, girls.

Holly/Tamara: Okay.

And from there, madness ensued.

Boyd Wainwright started hitting on Morgana within earshot of all susceptible parties.

Boyd: Dearest Morgana, I picketh these especially for you by the garden gates.

Morgana: Ewww, god, more like the pearly gates! What are you, a hundred?

Boyd: I’M SEVENTY-FOUR, GODDAMMIT!

Morgana’s ex and Tewl/Christopher’s ex hit it off disturbingly well.

Thornton: You hate everyone here as well? Neato, me too!

And Pauline was third-wheeling it as usual.

Oh, and Tewl met somebody very special.

Sandi: Well howdy, Mr. Langurd! Sorry to bother you, but I’m your daughter.

Tewl: Deerrrr… WTF?

Yes, there is some truth to Holly’s rumours. Sandi Kennedy is the illegitimate daughter of Tewl and the Twihard from the one time they Woohooed way back when. Why hasn’t she had any face time, you ask? Well, you would understand if you saw her face. She looks exactly like her mother (but I’m too lazy to fit in a screenshot here, so you’ll have to wait XD). As for the little Indian-girl makeover, that was just me having a heyday with Master Controller. I apologize.

In other news, Susan Wainwright glitched and would NOT stop throwing rice.

Susan: Sprinkles! Sprinkles for everyone!

Thornton left in a rage because he was still bitter about the autograph thing.

Thornton: This party is garbage! I had the worst time ever. Call me, Tamara!

Tuesday: Oh yes, I like fire. I like fire a lot!

And if this is all too much eventfulness for you to handle, brace yourself…

…because this happened, too!

Morgana: You know what this means…

I sure do! It means you’d better hope to god there’s more than one baby in there, because I’m serving you up for dinner if you fail me!

Morgana: You aren’t very nice.

And you’re just noticing this now?
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Well, that’s about all I can manage for one chapter so it will have to do. It’s taken me a while to get back into the swing of this writing thing, but now that I’m derustified—and I finally came to my senses and downloaded LiveWriter!—the next few updates should be much faster. As always, comments? Questions? (Why yes, Sam, you just asked two of them.) (I’M SORRY. CLEARLY I NEED TO TAKE MY BRAIN OUT OF THIS CHAOTIC WORLD FOR A FEW HOURS. :O)

Happy Simming!

~Sam