1.5 Da Betrayull
We’re being super realistic apparently, because wow it’s taken me forever to write this chapter. Realism sucks.
This is the second last post I need to publish before I’m caught up with my overzealous gameplay aszxdcfvghnjmkl (sorry, had to wipe some grease off of my keyboard) and I’m basically racing to be done with it so I can get back to the fun part. Not that I don’t enjoy the writing, but there’s some exciting stuff coming up and I promised myself I wouldn’t play through it until I’d captioned everything I have so far. Self-discipline is a bitch.
Anyway, less about me and more about this pair of idiots!
Whose bromance has reached such a level that they now have synchronized dreams.
Tewl: A toxic sludge monster! Quick, kill it wif fire!
Chris: I’m on it! Take tha— oh, it got me with its tentacles. 😦
And gossip about stupid crap like steak and vegetables.
Tewl: I heard Beau Andrews like, ate dinner. Whadda freak.
Chris: Heehee, I’m gossiping! I’m so bad!
Well, somebody’s lost her knack for camouflage in her old age. That’s right—I see you, ERIN KENNEDY.
Erin: Just dropping by to see how this so-called “legacy” is going.
Fine, thank you.
Erin: Oh, really? Does Tewl have any eligible heirs yet?
No. What’s that supposed to mean?
Erin: Nothing. Nothing at all.
It had better mean nothing.
Since Tewl acquired a new bro last chapter, he has certainly wasted no time in her initiation. He treats her just like one of the guys because he has nothing but platonic feelings for her.
Tewl: Take dat, Morgana’s ass! Hehe!
Something about that doesn’t scream “platonic” to me.
Tewl: Fuck off. I can have friends who are gurls.
Denial—it’s not just a river in Al Simhara. 😉
The initiation has become a more complicated process since Christopher and now includes an interview portion.
Tewl: Before you can be inductified as a bro, I need to be sure yer not a witch. ‘Cause ya kinda look like one and I ain’t takin’ no chances wif dat broom-ridin’ black magic shit.
Morgana: What kind of question is that?
A pretty good one, considering your name. On that note, you may have a few questions of your own regarding his…
Tewl: Well if ya ain’t a witch, dat settles it. You must be da Mona Lisa!
Morgana: Yes, Tewl. I was painted by Leonardo da Vinci five hundred years ago and have since left the painting to inhabit a simulated town full of weirdoes, concealing myself in an unhappy marriage so that my creator will never find me.
Tewl: I knew it!
That non-answer still earns her a passing grade, and the new bros head to the Brightmore to celebrate. Unfortunately, the lobby pack runs into a small obstacle.
Morgana: Oh, crap. We gotta run.
Tewl: Why, you go on a bad date wif dat guy or somethin’?
Boyd: Susan, will you kindly extract your hideous stiletto from my equally unfortunate footwear?
Those two are here every time, I swear.
Tewl: Holy shit! Dat was your husband, wasn’t it?
Morgana: Now he gets it.
I’m sure that hand-holding is totally platonic, too.
Susan: Buttons. I like buttons.
Downstairs at last, we run into this treasure! A chance NPC-sighting that would be totally irrelevant except that this no-nonsense woman is Anne Song, a paparazzi in my last save file and the wife of my former legacy founder. For the record, she made some dang cute babies.
Anne: Don’t you turn this into an advertisement.
Sorry, Macho Anne.
Tewl ditches his wingwoman at the door and proceeds to hit on Tori Kimura in a not-so-private make-out chamber.
Tewl: So, Tori. Do you like… cars?
Tori: If it’ll get me a hunk like you, sure I do.
And then he takes groping to a whole new level…
…in true tewlish fashion, reaching second base before first.
And then I realize that Tewl is still technically with Holly and thus can’t ask Tori to go steady, so they called it quits. Tewl spends the rest of his night stocking the virtual fish tank to its maximum capacity.
Tewl: FISH PARTAY. 😀
Meanwhile, Chris gets more action than Tewl despite having been in bed by nine. That is, if you can call breaking the shower “action.” It seems poor Christopher is simply incapable of knocking anybody up.
Tewl: “Poor Christopher”? I just heard all dat through da wall!
Later, Tewl takes Holly to the Bistro to ease the pain of the iminent breakup… and also to fulfill an opportunity because we’re always killing birds with her, apparently. But Holly stands him up (LOL) so Tewl has to stuff his face alone while I observe the townspeople’s antics. Morgana is there (naturally) along with a gaggle of people who have, it would appear, the ability to foresee childbirth.
Morgana: This woman is in labour!
Connor: I love Morgana. Morgana is amazing.
Claire: Motherhood is terrible! Don’t do it!
Victoria: Seriously, guys. I feel fine.
Claire: I’m outta here but I sure as hell ain’t bringin’ that kid with me.
Everyone: THOUGHT BUBBLE CONFUSION!
Victoria: Oohh, hold on. Is that a twinge of—
Victoria: False alarm! It was a twinge of LOVE FOR MORGANA. 😀
Except not really, because I stalk her to the hospital and she gives birth to a baby boy a few hours later. A baby boy whose father could be Tewl or the panicking potato pictured here, but is most likely a woodland creature.
Oh my… oh my god. Who are you and what garnishes did you put on Tewl when you ate him? :’D
Tewl: Wha’? Whatchoo talkin’ about, bitch?
So I think I mistakenly sent him to eat lunch twice in a row, because he came out looking like this. Talk about rapid transformations.
Err, never mind. Time to hit the gym, and not to pick up girls this time.
But first! To complete this stupid opportunity, which apparently isn’t over yet.
Tewl: So dere’s dis place called Lil’ Corsican Bistro. You should eat dere sometime, bro.
Connor: Sorry, I don’t take dining recommendations from fatties.
Tewl: FATTY? Imma beat’choo fool.
Alright, gym now.
(P.S. Just go home, Morgana!)
Tewl: Sick, i’ss like a movin’ sidewalk, ‘cept backwards!
Welcome to the land of effort, Tewl.
Tewl: I dun like dis “effort” fing. 😦
Bebe: We are so in sync!
Nice try. You might be a young adult now, but you’re still not getting any.
Chris basically does whatever the hell he likes these days. Which usually means rereading “The Adventures of Raymundo,” the only book in his inventory, for the seven-hundredth time.
Chris: What? It’s a heartwarming tale.
Once Tewl has gotten his figure back, he invites his girlfriend over. Good thing she didn’t see him during his hippopotamus phase.
Tewl: Hey Holly, good of ya to come. So whadd’ya think of my place?
Holly: Umm… derrr. Could you explain to me one more time why you don’t have a house?
Tewl: ‘Cause I sold it to buy you dese flowers, bitch.
Holly: OMG! Tewl, you shouldn’t have!
(He didn’t. They came out of Chris’ inventory, where they’ve been rotting for days.)
In retrospect, now would have been a very good time to break up with her. But Tewl keeps rolling Holly-related wishes, and I can actually be a gracious person sometimes, believe it or not.
That said, he also keeps rolling wishes for stuff like this.
Tewl: Amélie, ma cherry! Didn’t think I’d ever see ya again, gurl.
Amélie: Ah, bonjour, Tewl. Come and get behind zeese bushes. I want to…
Amélie: …reject you again! Hon-hon-hon!
Tewl: Dammit! I thought French gurls were s’posed to be all romantic and shit.
So it’s back to the Brightmore to heal his wounded ego by… posing for a mugshot?
Tewl: Yo lady, get a picture o’ this. I’m famous, don’tcha know?
He actually is. He has like four celebrity stars and I haven’t even been trying.
Justine: Hey bucko beat it. I don’t even know who the fuck you are.
Tewl: Well screw you. I dunno who you are either.
Neither do I, actually. I had to consult the Sims Wiki for this caption.
Jared: Party rockers in the hooouuuse tonight!
Susan: Uh-oh, this party’s about to rock all over the floor…
Oh my GOD, Susan, don’t you think you’re a little old for this clubbing nonsense?
Tewl has a hankering for a new victim and there are very few women around besides Officer Anonymous, so he tries his hand at wooing the bouncer. His flirtation tactics remain much the same.
Tewl: So, Anne, do you like… newspapers?
Apparently, she does.
Tewl: Do you know why people call me da Flame?
Anne: I’ve never heard anyone—
Tewl: Well, baby, you’re about to find out.
“The Flame” decides that the best way to show her is to get in a hot tub full of water. Clever, this one. But entering the VIP section proves not so easy.
Bouncer: Fork it over, douche. I know what you’ve done and I don’t let cheaters into an empty bar at 3AM. Hurts my rep, you know?
Tewl: Pretty sweet, eh? Let’s waste a bunch of time sittin’ under dis kickass lighting.
Anne: Fine by me—I’m still on the clock for another hour.
Waste time they certainly do, and the bar magically ejects them through the ceiling before Tewl can prove his Flaminess.
Tewl: Dis place is such a cockblock!
Anne: I have the strangest feeling I just dodged a bullet.
She had her chance to run, she really did. She shows up all disgusted the next morning because both Holly and Tori have found out they’re being swindled and “decided to break it off” in a very public ordeal.
What’s hilariously tragic, however, is that while Anne is aware of Tewl’s public shame, she apparently has no idea what he’s done wrong. Thus, he still has her wrapped around his tewlish finger.
Anne: Boo, you’re disgusting!
Anne: But so charming…
He decides to seal the deal then and there, because we’ve already let one catch off the hook and we need numbers, dammit. (Yes, it is quite possible to turn womanizing into a quantitative science.)
Tewl: Hey, hey baby, I wanna know if you’ll be my girl?
Anne: Ooooh, I’ve always wanted to be asked out like that.
Tewl: PSYCH! I actually hate you.
Anne: The fuck…?
In case anyone’s wondering, or is as bad at counting as I am, Anne
is was Tewl’s fourth official girlfriend. Almost halfway there! Are we actually accomplishing something in this legacy? Damn…
Christopher: Oooohhh, don’t tell me—you’re pregnant, right?
Tamara: I’m not showing yet, loser.
Christopher: Yeah but I could tell by the horrible mismatched—err, never mind, sweetie.
Chris is actually pretty excited about this fatherhood thing, making me fangirl him all over again. Tamara was possibly not the best choice of baby mama (what with that bird beak she’s got going on) but I have to save the good ones for Tewl… at least when it comes to making legacy kids.
Mailbox: So, um, maybe you should, like, check me for once so your bills actually get paid in time?
Chris has to go to work, so he leaves Tamara in the hands of his bro.
Tewl: Hayy gurrrrl.
Tamara: Who are you?
Tewl: The guy who owns dat sweet bike back there. Wanna go for a ride?
Tamara: I’m pregnant, you twit.
Tewl: I didn’t mean on the bike.
When all else fails, hit the Brightmore. Seriously, Tewl, I think you’re developing a dependency.
Mixologist: Hi there. What can I get for you?
Tewl: I’d take you if I could.
Mixologist: ‘Cause I haven’t heard that one a hundred times.
Tewl: No seriously I will take some onion rangs. Plz feed me.
Tewl: *sob* What is happening to me? I can’t even smooth-talk da bartender!
Relax, it wasn’t that bad.
Mixologist: Is he gone? Can I come out yet?
Tewl decides to vent his frustration on Anne, whom he conveniently ignored on the way inside.
Tewl: Bitch, you dun ruined my swag.
Anne: Good! Swag isn’t even a real world!
Tewl: YOU DID NOT JUST SAY DAT.
There, that’s better.
Blowfish: YOU CAN TUNE A PIANO, BUT YOU CAN’T TUNA FISH! AMIRITE? 😀
Tewl loses the brawl, of course. I should have remembered how tough Anne was in my last legacy. That, and Tewl’s loser trait will never fail him.
Tewl: I fuckin’ hate my life.
Anne: You really should.
And that was the end of that.
Back at home, the bachelor pad/outhouse/hunk of junk gets a long overdue upgrade. Four squares of space and a loveseat that Tewl got for free. OMG luxury.
If nothing else, it gives Chris more space to do what he’s best at: fixing the things that Tewl breaks!
Chris: Just what I wanted. I can die happy now.
Tamara is here most all the time lately because we wouldn’t want Chris to miss the birth of his first child. Sadly, he probably still will because he’s working at the diner, and Tamara will be saddled with this fool instead.
Tewl: You preggers?
Tewl: Cool beans.
Awkward gradually turns into invasive.
Tewl: Bitch I sure hope you’re not thinkin’ of marryin’ Christopher. Dat guy is such a player.
Tamara: Somehow I don’t believe you.
Tewl: Well you should, I know da guy. We’re best bros.
And then he sits back all
effeminately calmly while her world falls apart like a Jenga tower.
I hate this legacy.
Meanwhile, Chris got off work early and is catching minnows in the Land of Beautiful Graphics.
Chris: YES! Now this is a keeper!
Mervin the Minnow (because that is his name, I have decided): I weigh half an ounce, and I got a wife and six thousand little mouths to feed. Put me the fuck back.
Speaking of little mouths…
Tewl: Yo, dis ain’t supposed to happen from kissin’ a girl! I learned dat like five years ago, dammit!
Tamara: STOP JABBERING ABOUT HOW DUMB YOU ARE AND DO SOMETHING!
And so, gentleman that he is, Tewl lets Tamara drive him to the hospital in her crappy old car.
Tewl: Hey, it was dat or da bike.
I suppose that is something.
Still at the beach, Chris calls up Tuesday Sears, a long-time acquaintnace—partly to keep him occupied through Tewl’s tomfoolery, but let’s say he wants a break from the stress of home life because that sounds like an almost-plausible reason to be with another woman while your girlfriend is in labour. No it doesn’t. But anyway, I leave them to their own devices and a few minutes later, a popup informs me they’re on a date. See? My Sims are corrupt even when I’m not controlling them!!
Christopher: I’m a cook, you see, but I don’t do much cooking. Mostly I get punished with boiling substances.
Tuesday: You are a fascinating person, Christopher Steel.
In the midst of all this, Tamara gives birth to his son, Cesar. Thanks for that one, EA. Not that he matters much unless he grows up looking like Christopher. His mother looks none too pleased about the current state of things.
Tewl: At least I was dere!
Tamara: Were you?
Tewl: Yo, I got twelve free candybars outta their faulty vending machine. Can’t say I wasn’t bein’ productive.
Lovely. Well, there you have it, folks. The first baby of the legacy, and he’s not even related to Tewl. Figures.
So yeah. It’s crazy hot here, there’s a fruit fly drowning in my orange juice, and I’ve been writing this for most of the day—so I think I’m going to leave it at that for now. As always, comments are much appreciated! 🙂
Posted on July 24, 2012, in Generashun 1 and tagged amelie, anne, bad joke eel, brightmore, bro initiation, cesar, christopher, erin, fat tewl, holly, morgana, tamara, tewl, tori. Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.