1.10 Da Retern of da Flayme

I’m running out of intro ideas so I put some Magikarps up there to grab your attention. Did it work? I hope so.

(WARNING: This chapter contains more toddler spam than it is advisable to consume in one sitting.)

At the end of last chapter, Morgana went into labour for the second time and I know you all want to see what she gives birth to (kittens? Turtles? Blenders?) so let’s cut to the chase.

The MOTORCYCLE chase, that is, because Morgana just had to escort herself to the hospital in proper Langurd style.

Morgana: They see me rollin’—AAAAAAGGHHHH!!!—they hatin’…

Hold up a second. Where are you going?

Tewl: To da hospital, to be wif Morgana!

No way. I’m not paying for a babysitter just so you can witness the birth of your child or whatever. Who do you think I am, Gandhi?

Tewl: Well, screw you.

Get over it. I bet Morgana won’t even notice your absence.

Morgana: Something’s missing. I feel—GAAAHHHHOHAEOAFHAAAAAA!!!!—lonely…

No need to feel lonely when you’ve got the entire Donner clan at your back!

Tamara: I hope ya die, bitch.

Cesar: Why are we even here, Mom? It’s five-thirty on a Saturday morning!

Speaking of Mr. Chris Clone, he finally broke free of his diaper days! By the game’s glitchy clock he’s younger than his little sisters now, lol.

Cesar: I’m handsome and I know it!

You sure are, kid. Just watch, your future wife might come out of those doors all swaddled up in a pink blanket.

Cesar: That’s kind of icky.

Yeah, I suppose it is…

OMG, I can’t believe I even posted that here. Or spent ten minutes making it. Moving on…

Morgana had a perfectly normal birth with no womb-tearing involved, thank you very much. Thank goodness she had the sense to take a taxi home, because look, another basket! Imagine carrying that thing on a motorcycle.

Morgana: Are you proud of me?

A little. Mostly just relieved I don’t have to kill you. 😀

Everybody meet Keg Wolff (for now)!  I treated his birth like a Calculus test and just winged the hell out of it because I was too lazy to prepare any names. But I feel like a tool might name their kid after cheap party booze, don’t you? Keg was born on a Saturday (Week 4, Day 7) at 6:23am. He rolled Grumpy and Athletic as his traits, which in my mind makes him one of those people who yells at everyone and then goes on long, vigorous runs to let off steam (once he grows legs, that is). Keg enjoys red, peanut butter and jelly, and Latin music. Change that to nachos and we’ve got ourselves a certified matador, methinks.

And this is his twin sister, Star. Fun fact: Keg and Star are the first pair of mixed twins I’ve ever had in my game, so they’re pretty cool in my books already. Star was born at 6:26am and is a Slob who Loves the Outdoors. Her favourites are aqua, grilled salmon, and pop. (I read that as “poop” just now.) Sounds to me like a weird hybrid between a popular party girl and a butch mountaineer who lives in a trash can. I dunno.

Star will be the last child of Generation Two—I can tell you that for sure. Not only because I want to kill myself already, but also due to the fact that we physically can’t have any more because Morgana is going to be an old lady soon. XD

Tewl: Dang, gurl, you lookin’ fine in dat little pink blanket.

Arabella: How dare you speak such abominable words to royalty, peon? OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!

Asdasldjgs;lkgjsdgl. Tewl, I think you just out-creeped Jacob Black. And that’s saying something.

Tewl: Do I get a medal?

No, you get a time out. Get in the corner now.

Tewl: Dangit.

Due to the previous night’s quadruple birthday party, Arabella’s demands soon came true and the broke-as-toast Langurd family started living entirely off of birthday cake.

Morgana: Delicious and nutritious!

Uh-huh. I’m sure there are thousands of undiscovered vitamins in blue food colouring.

But Princess Arabella, being too distinguished to eat cake like her subjects, had a plain old carpet birthday instead.

Tewl: Well, dere you go kid. Have a nice birfday.

Arabella: Ugh! This is simply demeaning! I demand that you take me to my throne at—

Arabella: Oh, but look how adorable I am!

No kidding. Wanna be my heiress?

Arabella: Heiress? But I am already Princess!

Oh, of course.

(TODDLER SPAM COMING YOUR WAY IN 3… 2… 1…)

Ripper: Weeeee, look at me! I’m cute, too!

Dawwww, okay. I guess I can’t really complain about my legit legacy kids. This heir poll is going to be killer, though.

Razor: What is this blatant favouritism? Can a guy get a little screen time around here?

Of course, Sylar Razor. Count your blessings—at least you’re not Rotter. Where is that kid, anyway?

Apparently we don’t get to see him for a few more screenshots because Morgana’s busy flooding the bathery (bathroom/nursery) with magical teleporting urine.

Morgana: Eep! Oh dear.

Geez, woman, how hard is it to step back a few feet?

Morgana: RAZOR DID IT.

Razor: This is just humiliating. And disgusting, my god.

Arabella: Suffer, people, suffer! Yesssss, anarchy is raging while I sit quite comfortably in my chambers. Next, I plan to— hey, where are you going with that? BRING THE CAMERA BACK, I COMM—

Ripper: I’m ready for my close-up!

And this is officially one of my favourite pictures ever. ❤

Tewl: I’ss an honour, yo.

Ripper: Shut up, old man. *slap*

Took the words right out of my mouth. 😀

Ah, there he is! Being a little terror as per usual, it seems.

Morgana: Dammit, Rotter, just poop in the potty!

Rotter: NO! Rotter want nap time! And a pony!

Meanwhile, genius Ripper was learning from the best.

Tewl: ‘Kay little buddy, say pond. You know, da things dat float in da sky when it rains? Like, it was a very pondy day—

Ripper: What the…?

Tewl: Shit, I mean cloud. Used ta always get dose mixed up on my spellin’ tests…

Ripper: My father is a nitwit.

Since he couldn’t manage four-letter words, I sent Tewl to teach something a little more within his realm of intellect.

Tewl: An’ now you just let’ ‘er rip, hun.

Arabella: At last, my throne! Now remove your hands from my being, scum.

As lousy a parent as Tewl might seem, he’s actually pretty attached to his baby girl, which I think is sweet. Even if he’s drowning her in his pecs.

Star: Can’t breathe, daddy!

Tewl: Gotta keep ‘er real close, yo. What if Chris comes climbin’ through dat window ta get his revenge?

If the game technology could handle that… I would love to see it happen. 😛

Just like that, it was time for the twins to grow up. Tewl brought Keg to the cake first.

Tewl: Happy birfday, bu— UH-OH, man! Razor needs me!

Focus, Tewl. Grow this thing up so I can have one more toddler to fawn over.

Oh hey, nice turtleneck. (Don’t worry, you’ll see him properly in a minute.)

And now it’s Star’s turn! What a great shot of the birthday girl we have here.

Morgana: Hurry up, honey! I need cake, like, now.

Arabella: For the love of… well, me—let her eat cake!

What a team.

And here’s Keg all kind-of grown up! He’s a cute one, but I get the sense he’s going to be a loser when he’s older.

Keg: You are one judgmental son of a—

Whoa there, kid. We don’t start the swearing around here until we’re at least, like, seven.

Keg: —gun?

That’s better. But HEY.

And here’s our little Star! She’s pretty heavy on the Tewl side of the genetic spectrum, but I think I like her. I couldn’t resist putting her in overalls since she’s supposed to be our little outdoorsy gal, but I also thought she looked ridiculously cute in this preppy side pony. Living up to my hillbilly-partygirl predictions so far, it seems.

Star: I do kind of look like a conniving bitch, don’t I? Heehee.

STAR! What did I just say to your brother?

Star: That he’s a loser? I agree.

Shortly after the twins’ birthday, we reached the oh-so-coveted state of OH MY GOSH THEY’RE ALL ASLEEP I CAN BREATHE NOW. For the first and only time this entire generation.

It was ruined, however, by Arabella the Ruiner.

Arabella: A princess must watch over her subjects, you know.

Yeah, yeah. Well, they’re all in their cribs and considering I’m a noob and there are six of them I think I deserve a medal or something.

Morgana: Here’s an idea—why don’t you treat us to a new toilet as a reward?

LOL, nice try. That one’s unbreakable—it’s not going anywhere. 😉 And shhhhh! You’ll wake up the demons!

As morning dawned on Summer Hill Court…

Cat: RAAAAAWWWRROWWORRRRRR!!! *shing* (and other vaguely sword-like sound effects) Newspapers must die! Take a stand against the liberal media!

Thank you, Activist Cat. We are all sufficiently awake now.

And just where do you think you are headed?

Morgana: Um, to work?

Oh bollocks, I completely forgot she had a job. How am I supposed to keep these brats entertained all day?

Morgana: Your problem.

Fine.

So I bought them a block table, and MY GOSH, was that ever a mistake! How is that a problem, you ask? Well, first off we paid about every cent we had for it. Second, if you thought I was already spamming you with toddler pictures, THINK AGAIN.

They look like they’re having some secret, mischievous club meeting if you ask me.

Razor: I hereby call to order the first meeting of the Secret Block Club! Man your blocks, guys. We can’t let any of those other losers get in on this.

Arabella: Dear me, this is rather enjoyable, isn’t it?

Ripper: Lighten up, Ara. You’re in a gang now.

Rotter: But I want to play too, guys… 😦

Tewl: Time fo’ a diaper change, Princess Arabella.

Keg: …

Rotter: …It’s on, nerd.

Something tells me these three would be the snobby kids in the high school lunch crowd who practically lynched you if you dared sit at their table. Razor’s the ringleader, Ripper is the brutish sidekick who intimidates people with his facial expressions, and Star’s the snarky girl with the high-pitched laugh who eggs the guys on because they both secretly want to impress her with their tough-guy act. Except not, because they’re siblings and eww. But you get the picture.

Razor: Come on, I dare you! You wouldn’t last a minute in the Block Club.

Star: Yeah! Go on, try to be cool like us.

Ripper: *pedoface*

Keg: Guys, I… I think I’m up for the challenge!

Arabella: HA! Go right ahead, Keg. I will have you chopped and broiled when I return.

Rotter: This is messed up, man…

Tewl: Hold on, lemme get dis straight. You want me to go back to being a totally disgusting womanizing dipshit now?

Considering the new clothes never really helped in the first place… yes.

(I was getting really sick of Tewl 2.0 and his boring style, so I brought the mohawk back after his midlife crisis was over. 😀 It’s not like he was making any progress toward that changing-his-ways thing, and besides, he really needs to get cracking on that LTW. As much as I hate for him to cheat on Morgana—or I would, if they’d been more interesting as a couple lately—it simply must be done for the sake of the legacy. Only four to go!)

Tewl: I dunno, man, I don’t think I can go back to my Tewlish ways just like dat…

Oh, you’ll manage. Just pick an easy target to start with.

Tewl: Hey Pauline, how’s about a nice date at dat fishing place across da street from my place, just you an’ me? Cool, see ya dere.

Aaaaand he’s back.

Note that I splurged on a babysitter for these purposes even though I wouldn’t during the twins’ birth. XD Or maybe don’t, because I don’t want to come off as morally depraved or anything.

Babysitter: POW! Take that, kid! Hahahahaha.

Rotter: Ow! Is this guy even a babysitter?

Tewl: Don’ know, don’ care. Later, losers!

So I sent him over to Summer Hill Springs for his date, and for some reason he decided to bring Star along with him. Most awkward third-wheeling that ever was.

Tewl: Well you didn’t tell me to put her down.

I think it kind of goes without saying…

Pauline: Did somebody say “easy target”?

And so Tewl set about wooing the town bike… with a toddler in his arms. (#5).

Pauline: Just being here makes me soooo cool.

Star: That’s not my Mommy. UNFRIENDED.

Tewl: I’m tired… Can’t we just be Death Eaters?

Pauline: So like, can you sign this as proof that you actually went out with me? So I can tell everyone in Sunset Valley? I mean so I can stash it away in my nightstand drawer and treasure it forever, and never ever post it on any social networking sites, like, ever?

Tewl: Yeah, whatever bro.

Pauline: WINNING! I sure played that one cool.

Pauline: Now take a whiff of these — they contain a narcotic compound to make you like me more. I mean no they don’t.

Tewl: SHIT PAULINE, DESE IS DA BEST FLOWERS I EVER GOT!!!!

Star: Woofied, heeheehee!

Tewl: Oh hey, I got somethin’ for you too!

Pauline: Huh? Something smells fishy here…

Fish in background: You insensitive hag!

Tewl: Here: flowers! Your favourite!

Pauline: ERMAGERD, TEWL! How did you KNOW?!

Star: Seriously??

And then, naturally, Tewl started ripping on his kid. I mean, I put it in his queue but the fact that it even came up as an option is APPALLING and I’m very ashamed of him.

Tewl: Ain’t Star just a bitch? She’s just dis stupid lil’ brat who shits an’ cries an’ follows me everywhere. I mean like, who does dat?

Pauline: What? Oh, I thought you just brought her as a wingman.

Around this point, I got a little distracted from their date and happened to see this:

Yes, that is the Landgraabs’ house. Vita is going home??? Those damn Altos have weaselled their way right out of the pickle I put them in! Story Progression, you are no fun at all. (Except that you’ve so far made almost all of Tewl’s ex-girlfriends adopt cats. That is kind of entertaining.)

Speaking of the Landraabs, though, I don’t think I’ve ever even seen them in this game.

Pauline: Shall we hold hands?

Tewl: No, bitch. Don’tchoo geddit? No one likes you!

It was actually the most hilarious thing. Pauline accepted every one of Tewl’s advances, but the minute she tried something of her own, he shut her down completely. I guess she’s not much of a pants-wearer… in any sense of the word. XD

Later on, while Tewl was employing his trademark move, the Symbolic Unicorn of Monogamy materialized on the crest of a petal-strewn hill. I’m so poetic lol.

Unicorn: Simbaaaaa, you have forgotten me. You must take your place in the circle of life.

Star: MUFASA LIVES! Oh wait, it’s just a unicorn. 😦

Kids these days.

So Tewl abandoned his date to hang out with the unicorn, his BFF. I think she’s called Myra or something, though it took me a while to figure that out because I’m dumb.

Tewl: Hey, pretty gurl. Long time no see.

Myra: Hello, young Tewl. You reek of promiscuity. I am not impressed.

Meanwhile, Pauline enjoyed some quality time with a toddler she really should not have the audacity to hold.

Pauline: Hi, little Star. Can I tell you a secret? I’m going to be your new mommy soon!

Star: No one wikes you, Pauwine! Heehee.

After the date, Tewl put Star to bed. Then he passed out in the corner while the reformed Block Society convened nearby.

Rotter: Look at dat loser!

Ripper: I think we all know what this calls for. Grab your crayons, guys!

Razor: What’s the point? He already looks like he was drawn on by a pack of three-year-olds.

Keg: Word, bro.

Ripper: Shut up, Keg.

Morgana: Awww, my sweet little girl who I never knew existed until this very moment!

Star: I know something that Mommy doesn’t! Heehee!

And you’d best keep that to yourself for the time being, you little rascal.

(I have to admit, she makes a cute little bitch. :P)

Myra: HORSES, ASSEMBLE! We must discuss our ploys for more screen time!

Poor Rotter. He is a legitimate victim of Middle Child Syndrome. Or Middle Triplet Syndrome, I suppose. This right here is where I find him most of the time.

Rotter: I’M TIRED, MOMMY! See? I have two speech bubbles to show you just how tired I am!

Morgana: Did somebody say something? I’m rather occupied training this child prodigy.

Next to a fuming potty: everyone’s favourite pass-out locale.

Morgana: Lah-dee-da-dee-dah… Oh look, these dishes could use a wash. Poor things, waiting so long for my attention!

Morgana finally built up enough skill points for a still life, so I decided to get her started on the portrait-painting, beginning with her own lovely Oompa Loompa face. Unfortunately, I discovered that it’s kind of hard to get a good angle when you’re aiming the camera through both a window and the back of an easel (and I didn’t think to move the easel into another room, because—yeah, you guessed it—I’m an idiot). So I settled for a cheater method…

…and had Tewl take creeper pics of her on his cell phone so that Morgana could paint a still life of one of them. 😛

And look, Morgana is not only an artiste but also a paramedic now! This whole medical career seems to me like a weird kind of double life for Morgana, being that she’s all Artistic and Family-Oriented and all that. But hey, it’s the family’s only source of income besides the occasional $8 Tewl mooches, so I’m not complaining.

With Morgana safely at work, Tewl headed out on his second date with Psychotic Fan Pauline Wan. Is it just me, or does these “The Beast” motorcycles look really uncomfortable/unsafe? I mean seriously, it looks like they’re going to lose the feeling in their arms or fall down onto the back wheel, or maybe do both in one massive fit of fail.

Tewl: Relax, bro. Motorcyclez is designed for secure travellin’.

And what do the kids do while their mama is out dough-rolling and their papa is out ho-rolling (OMG I’m so funny)? Shun the babysitter and raise hell, of course.

Razor: *slaps table* Okay boys, this is getting out of hand. We need to act, and fast, to make this a girl-free zone.

Ripper: Why don’t we just stone them with these lead blocks? Gets the job done fast and easy.

Keg: Is that your criteria for a girlfriend, too?

Star: Keg, this is a PG 13 zone!

Rotter: LOL no it’s not!

Arabella: *sob* I fear my reign is ending… I cannot bear to face this atrocity!

I just can’t get enough of the faces they make at this table. XD

I was having so much fun with the toddlers that I missed half of Tewl and Pauline’s date. No matter, though—I zoomed over to find them at the park (perhaps the flashiest place he has ever taken a girl) where Tewl was winning over Pauline’s heart the only way he knows how.

Tewl: So like, I’m broke lol. Spare some cash?

Pauline: Of course, Tewl! Here are my life’s savings!

Message Bubble: Tewl has mooched $1 from Pauline.

-_-

Can’t hate on his methods if he gets me results, though.

Tewl: Wanna take dis back to my place, gurl?

Pauline: Your place? The legendary Langurd household where I can take pictures with all your belongings and post them on— I mean yeah, sure.

Pauline: Wait up, Tewl! How am I supposed to get to your house?

Tewl: Run, lard-ass!

Meanwhile, this is what he’s bringing her back to. Wife, screaming kids, puddles and all.

Wait, Morgana?! When did you get back from work??

Morgana: I have business to attend to.

She did indeed. Apparently “business” meant stationing herself outside to glare at them both knowingly as they arrived.

Pauline: Oh hey—it’s Star, my future daughter!

Morgana: I know what you done, bitch. The kid told me.

Star: Heehee.

Pauline: Oh Tewl, I just love your house!

So apparently if you bring a date back to your house while your wife is there, she immediately knows you are cheating, even if you are acting about as romantic as a boulder. Beats me how that makes any sense. Maybe the spinning hearts above their heads tipped her off? Or maybe it’s just because it was Pauline Wan, lol.

Tewl: So how was your day, babe? Did ya feed Rotter, ‘cause man I keep forgetting to do dat—

Morgana: Just shut up, Tewl. I know what you’ve been up to, okay? And quite frankly I’m not going to stand for it anymore, so just— just talk to the hand.

Star: Daddy’s in twubble…

And that is all for now, so I will leave you with this lovely screenshot and some stats for this chapter…

Total screenshots: 65

Toddler appearances: 86

Times I wrote “just”: 31

Times I recaptioned Screenshot 1326: waaaayyy too many

People who probably want this chapter to just end already: Fine, I see how it is. GOODBYE.

(Happy Simming!)