1.14 Wildurness Esplorerz

Well, howdy! With my second year of university well and truly over and another summer upon me (even if the SNOW on Sunday was trying to tell me otherwise) I decided it was about time to get back on this legacy thing. If I had a quarter every time I wrote those words…

Anywho, I figured out that, if I keep going at this rate, it’s going to take me at least a decade to get through this thing — and I don’t know about you, but I’d like to bring that figure down a bit. Who knows, I might not be this charmingly witty when I’m thirty.

So it’s time to down some caffeine, put on my funny cap, and fly off into the sunset blast through the rest of these chapters so we can get to that long-awaited heir poll!

Must I recap what happened last time? I dunno, I sort of forget and I’m too lazy to open a browser and find out. I think there were some glitches and some birthdays, and some guy called Smewl made an appearance. Sounds about right!

Life around town continued in much the same disconcerting fashion. Here we see the do-good kids of Sunset Valley following the Golden Rule: Never leave the house unless accompanied by at least two people sharing your lineage, regardless of whether you know them or not. Oh, and a paparazzi lady who used to stalk your father makes an ideal chaperone.

Dorothy: Now, children, we’d best be getting you home.

Razor: Not today, lady. I fly in the face of sketchy authority. I will sit here and finish this polynomials worksheet. You cannot stop me.

Marjorie: Well, let’s see. According to my calculations, it would seem that the ladybug count in this hedge is— ah yes, too damn high!

Zachary: Jeez, what happened? My head hurts and I have no idea how I got here…

I worry sometimes about the youth of today.

Case in point. Little menace, sleeping in the wrong bed after all the work I went to! But actually, it’s a pretty touching moment if you ignore that. Morgana snagged some camera time by being all sweet and motherly and, whilst ignoring her own problem offspring, reading The Adventures of Raymundo to her favourite stolen child.

Arabella: So this was really my daddy’s favourite book?

Morgana: Yes, dear. Now quiet, we’re getting to the good part! And then Raymundo said “Not today, you ruffian!” and went to stab the rhinoceros with his sword, but he accidentally swallowed a cicada so it sounded a lot more like “Chirp chhhhirrrulllp” and he fell on his face in the mud. Everybody laughed, including the rhinoceros. Raymundo felt quite the fool.

That does sound like Chris’s kind of book.

In other news: With his (obligatory) womanizing days behind him, Tewl laid Smewl to rest and re-donned the look he wears best.

Tewl: Damn straight, Docturr Seuss. Da one an’ only Tewl Langurd is back in town.

That’s funny, ‘cause I see three of them in this picture. XD

Tewl: Don’ you undermind my authority, bitch!

Yeah, ‘cause goodness knows you have tons of that.

Later that night, I finally did it. I tamed the Langurds, ladies and gentlemen! No sedatives involved, although Morgana does apparently keep them in the fridge. Now if only their thought bubbles weren’t cluttering up the peaceful scene…

Razor: Oh, I’m sorry. Are we dreaming too loudly for you?

Yes. In fact, from now on, I would prefer if you all entered a vegetable state between the hours of 9pm and 7am.

Rotter: Dude, vegetables suck.

Still, the next morning, I was so confident in my family management prowess that I tried something even more ambitious: Family Activity Day! That’s right—the Langurds got to spend an entire sunny Saturday on a joint adventure.

Star: Ooh, what is it? Shopping? A nature walk?

Ripper: Better be the library!

Rotter: Nah man, let’s go pop some— hey, why am I goin’ the other way? You said “joint” adventure!

Ye shall see soon enough, young Padewan.

Being as I’m not quite that good, I had to get them up and at ‘em in two waves, which diminished a bit of the collective atmosphere. But hey, I’ll settle for anything close to a proper Sunday breakfast. Even if they’re all ignoring each other, and in some cases (Ara, I’m looking at you) seem to have gotten into the tranquilizers.

Razor: Family Activities, you say? Just what does that entail?

Well, fine. If you must know: You’re going on a treasure hunt! With Tewl’s handy new “Collection Helper,” no rock, gem, or hunk of metal will remain ungathered by the end of the day! Isn’t that exciting?

Morgana: What exactly is the point?

It’s an adventure, silly! But also, we’re kinda broke. Brokeness of the gonna-have-to-sell-the-furniture-soon variety. And maybe a kid or two.

Arabella: Yay us.

And so they finished up those bargain “quick meals” and set out to rake in the dough. Cue montage.

Rising up, back on the street

Did my time, took my chances

Went the distance, now I’m back on my feet

Just a man and his will to survive

[Let’s just pause and appreciate the scumbag parenting on Morgana’s part here. Pretty sure there are three empty seats in that thing, lady.

Morgana: I don’t trust Ara around cigarette lighters. Or in enclosed spaces.

Fair enough.]

So many times, it happens too fast

You trade your passion for glory

Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of the past

You must fight just to keep them alive

It’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the thrill of the fight

Rising up to the challenge of our rival

I’m the last known survivor, stalks his prey in the night

And he’s watching us all with the eeeeyyyeeeeee…

Of the— HEY! Is that homework?

Arabella: No, my hit list.

Shame on you, Ara! There’ll be time for needless murders later—we have a job to do!

Arabella: Meh.

So inevitably, it wasn’t long until things started falling into disarray. Langurds standing aimlessly atop grassy hills, moods dropping into the red, kids thinking about school instead of the mission at hand (despicable!). But for the most part, we did okay. The family really pulled together and had a good day of treasure hunting. And you know what they say—the family that engages in piratical pursuits together… Or did I make that up?

There was only one flaw in the plan. As you probably were astute enough to notice (and for that I applaud you) I managed to entirely forget one member of the household.

Keg: Well good morning! I’m feeling just chipper today. Ready for some good old-fashioned family time, I say. Hold on… Where is everybody?

Um, about that… They’re, um, out. Having the dullest day of their lives, I’m sure.

Keg: They forgot about me, didn’t they?

Er, well, it’s possible. But listen up, my favouritest little guy, we’re not gonna let this day go to waste! Here, you can have a fun montage too:

I get up, and nothing gets me down

You got it tough, I’ve seen the toughest around

And I know, baby, just how you feel

You’ve got to roll with the punches just to get to what’s real

Oh, can’t you see me standing here

I got my back against the—

Keg: I really hate you.

Look on the bright side—you’re so cute in these four screenshots that I’m starting to root for you as heir!

Keg: What, so I get to suffer here twice as long? Go look after your precious rock haulers.

Fine, I will.

Except that our “rock haulers” were definitely falling off the wagon by this point, and I was also losing interest. So I sent them on some individual missions just to draw out the torture a bit more. For example: Behold Rotter Langurd, zoologist extraordinaire!

Rotter: Man, dis one barren landscape. I wish dere was some animals ‘round here I could make friends wif!

Hey buddy, a piece of your LTW is pecking at your boots.

Rotter: Wha’?

Rotter: Oh hey little fella, didn’t see ya dere! You wanna jump on my arm an’ be my bro? I could use a bro.

Bird: Marvin is the name, young sir. I would gladly be your companion, only I fear my feathers would clash horribly with that garish attire.

Rotter: Wha’ss “garish” mean?

Bird: I can see I have much to teach you. Very well then—I accept the position.

There you go, Rotter. Carry that guy around on your shoulder and it’ll be just like having a brain!

In some cases, “private mission” meant “being totally neglected by the cursor and wandering the countryside at random.”

Tewl: Eh? Whaddya mean my credit accounts are in danger from Bungerian pirates?

Dammit, Tewl, we’re trying to get richer here!

I daresay Razor got the most exciting quest. I’d never sent anyone into the mausoleum before (residual fear from TS2 where death lurked around every corner, I suspect) so I was curious as to what he could dig up. Plus, the whole environment just suits him so well, don’t you think?

Razor: Whatever you say, lady.

In the end it was a bit of a letdown; he just ended up hauling more rocks.

Oh, and also, a bit later…

My first one ever!! (I know, how very n00bish of me.) I’ll get back to you on his name because I don’t remember. I just hope to god it was something cool, because I was almost a whole year younger the last time I played, and nineteen-year-olds have stupid ideas. 😛

Star, meanwhile, took advantage of her “organic” baking talents and entrepreneurial enthusiasm (can you tell I’ve been writing too many cover letters?) and set up her own little Cake Shoppe. Evidently, she was thrilled about it.

Star: Welcome to Porch of Dreams… Where… ugh, do I really have to say it?

Go on!

Star: Where your slice of heaven is just five simoleons away.

And where the cheese is in our slogans, not our baked goods—we swear!

Star: Whoop-dee-doo.

Razor: Hey, Mom, I’m home.

Morgana (offside): That’s nice, sweetie.

Star: I could roll under a truck and nobody would notice, couldn’t I?

Considering Razor has just been mauled by a bear among other things… probably.

And that was the end of the first annual (generational?) Langurd Barrel-Scrapin’ Extravaganza. A modest haul I’d say, but Tewl’s thoughts might differ since he had this all in his inventory for a few days afterward. XD

Once I got through the painstaking process of finding the most profitable cuts for everything, we dragged in a hefty sum of $4,608. Not too shabby, guys! But let’s do even better next generation!

Razor: If you’re done criticizing our finances, I’m getting birthday vibes over here.

Right you are! Not your official birthday, but your seven day anniversary since the last time I had to manually age you. (Note: the glitches were gone by now, but I had yet to get rid of the residual aging lag. After this transition, all was well.)

Say cheese, birthday boy! And make it count—it’s about 30% of your facetime this chapter.

Ripper: Relax. Are you seeing this sparkly photogenic beast?

Rotter: Hur hur hur! Derp derp derp!

Razor: Grow tall, my brother! Tall and hideous!

Ripper: Dude, I’ll try.

Ripper: Well? How did I do? I have to say I feel a bit… small.

JK, I wish! Just an escapee from Rotter’s inventory, I’m afraid.

Rotter: Yo Rip, I hope I look jus’ like you when I grow up!

Um, no you don’t…

Ripper: Heuiahuiehuia! Come on, Rotter!

Yep, it’s like Severus Snape mated with some argyle-loving metalhead. Yikes. This freak rolled Excitable. Just to recap, that’s mixed in with Genius, Good, and Coward. Sounds about right.

Rotter: Eh? Whaddya think?

Dorkiness abounds in this gene pool, apparently. As if the stylin’ wasn’t bad enough, he rolled Unflirty as his fourth trait (added to Unlucky, Easily Impressed, and Clumsy. He’s a mess is what he is). After a quick makeover, however, I’ve got high hopes.

Rotter: Awww yeeeeaaaaah. I’m hot stuff. Not dat I care or anythin’, ‘cause girls are scary, man.

Razor: Step aside, loser. Let me show you how it’s done.

Rotter: YEAH, RAZOR! YOU GO, RAZOR! TOOT TOOOOOOOOT!

Razor: Good god, what is that sound?

Razor: Do you mind?

Rotter: TOOT… toot?

Uh, I’d toss that horn and get right to some grovelling if I were you. That is a face to be reckoned with.

Razor rolled Heavy Sleeper. That’s okay, because I’d like those eyes to closed for as much of the day as possible. Other trait recap: Disciplined, Good, and Brave. Damn kid is bent on remaining a complete mystery to me.

And that’s it for the birthday boys! Stay tuned for post-makeover pics, if I remembered to take them this time.

Tewl: Hay! Ain’t you furgettin’ about sumthin’?

I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that was the universal gesture for “it’s my birthday, too!”

Tewl: Stop mockin’ me, bitch.

Alright, alright. Get on home and grow old in style.

Tewl: Dis is so much better! Look at all dese woodland creachurs come out ta celebrate wif me!

Rotter: Oh, crap, I thought my pockets felt a bit lighter.

I sense that this is going to be a problem.

Tewl: Dayyyuummm, check out dese sparkly biceps!

And watch them disappear! Heya, noodle arms.

Tewl: Da Flame’s still burnin’ hot, amirite?

Ripper/Razor: Yipee! Yay for you, Pop!

Whoa, where did all this sonly supportiveness come from?

Ripper: Just doing everything I can to avoid the makeover station, lady!

Ha, well you failed! May I present to you…

Rockabilly Rebel!

Dropkick Douchebag!

And Surfer Dork!

Ripper: What have you done to us?!?

Hey pal, you should thank me for getting rid of that ponytail.

The next day, the Langurd Productivity Train kept on rolling. Sort of.

Star: *sigh* I just love nature! All the flowers and the greenness and the beautiful, shimmering pond—

Yeah, yeah. You’re just stalling because I sent you here to work.

Star: Slave driver.

Why I never.

Ready? Roll cameras, marker, action.

Star: Welcome to the Fountain of Youth Bakery! Where every bite takes five years off your age, guaranteed!

Looks like somebody developed a knack for business overnight.

Star: That porch theme was dragging me down. I’m taking things in a bold new direction.

Apparently that “new direction” means becoming a cold-hearted monster.

Tuesday’s adorable puppy: Oh, my! A bake sale! Boy, am I starved!

Star: Nuh-uh, floppy-eared Casanova! Ain’t gonna woo me with your sad little eyes—these treats are for paying customers only.

Puppy: But I can pay you in kisses 😦

Star: Mmm-mmm! Deeee-licious sugary goodness! Five simoleons and it can be yours!

Puppy: Now that’s just cruel.

She made no money at all, if I recall correctly. Who would’ve known that teasing puppies is bad for your karma?

Back at home…

Somebody’s getting senile because this happens way too often. On a side note, those souvenir theatre mirrors go for a pretty good price on the Buy Mode market! (Desperation? No, we’re getting by just fine, thank you very much.)

Tewl: Dang nabbit, i’ss one of dose superglued parcels again. Somebody gonna pay for dis.

Rotter: It’s okay, you can tell me anything!

Morris the Chinchilla: Here’s something—stop trying to shove me in your ear!

Ah, the touch of a true animal whisperer.

Star: La la la la, the slacker’s life for me!

(LOL at Tewl’s and Morgana’s exes getting all gooey-eyed. They deserve each other.)

Star: Empty? But how??

Absolutely no idea…

Star: And now I’ve got competition. You’re going down, biatch!

Take it easy on her—she appears to be going through a midlife crisis… or five.

Ripper does a killer impression of his dad’s portrait.

Ripper: I’m just extremely unhappy with my lot in life. And I hate you. That is all.

Not so good on the voice just yet, though.

The portrait star himself doesn’t need to be grumpy to look like an absolute goof. He took it upon himself to give Graculus the power of speech, since he was so good at doing that for his kids.

Tewl: Yo Grack, m’man, say “Polly wanna cracker.”

Graculus: Polly wanna AK47!

Tewl: Stoopid burd, where you gone and picked dat one up?

Graculus: Stoopid burd eat old man for lunch!

Rotter: Turtle? What turtle?

Honestly, this family and the wildlife… Definitely no Steve Irwin or Bear Grylls in the immediate ancestry.

On that note, look who we found at the beach! You might not recognize her, but I think it’s safe to say that the helmet and goggles are quite necessary.

Cleopatra: I love horsies!

Yeah, I can see th— hold up, what is that in the background?

Razor! I can’t believe it! Are you finally living up to your ascribed personality? 😀

Razor: I’m not Razor. Who’s Razor? Razor’s not here. There’s no alcohol in this drink.

Yeah, nice try. Can I look forward to some punk rock and vandalism now? Would that be too much to ask for?

Razor: I’ve created a monster.

While her twin was risking life and limb under the flailing hooves of a horse, Arabella coincidentally fell upon some misfortune of her own when she witnessed the death of Gunther Goth in the library bathroom. Such a noble way to go, Gunther old pal. Poor child though, scarred for life yet again.

Arabella: It’s kind of fascinating, actually.

Gosh, I hope “witnessed” was the right word to use…

Grim: Isn’t it just a beautiful day out there? What a shame you won’t get to enjoy it no more, eh Gunther?

Gunther: *Sigh* Death is cruel…

Grim: Part of the job description, pal.

Tewl: So Star, how do I put dis? I’ma gettin’ kinda old here an’ I just wanted ta tell ya dat… well, I love ya.

Star: Dad, you’re not telling me. That’s called a thought bubble.

Tewl: Oh. Huh?

Star: And if you’re worried about getting old, try one of my organic anti-aging cakes!

Tewl: Sweet!! Let me at ‘em!

Star: Five bucks—fork it over.

See? Ruthless.

I often feel bad for giving Morgana such a boring role in this legacy, so I had her arrange a rendezvous with Tuesday under the pretence that they were like old friends or something. Unfortunately, they had some trouble coordinating in their old age.

Tuesday: Hi, Morgana!

Morgana: Tuesday? Are you over here? Speak up!

Tuesday: Behind you, I think!

Morgana: Marco!

Tuesday: Giuseppe!

Morgana: What?

Tuesday: I thought we were shouting random Italian names.

Once they got over this confusion, however, it was just like old times. “Old times” being those two whole days they spent in the same house way back when. And that’s the closest thing Morgana has to a friend.

Tuesday: For me? Really?

Morgana: Actually, it’s for Christopher. This book has been with us for long enough, and I think it’s time it returned to its rightful owner. Plus, it’s been putting ideas in Arabella’s head.

Tuesday: Raymundo?

Morgana: The very same.

Tuesday: I thank you, Morgana. Even though this is really a gift for my husband which you expect me to ferry to him like some kind of messenger owl, I will forgive you your misguidedness.

Morgana: Um, okay. Would you like to go have some tea?

Tuesday: What a blatant gender stereotype! Why not mulled wine? Or celery juice? Anything but tea!

K you guys are actually so boring that I think I’m gonna end the chapter now. Don’t say I never tried, Morgana.

But here’s an absolute beauty just to leave you with! He just exudes defiance, doesn’t he? The bike, the face, the silhouetted spiky hair… So rebellious that he’s even riding out of the sunset, not into it.

Razor: Hey, I’m just trying to get home before curfew. And you have a problem.

Perhaps. 😉

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As usual, comments appreciated! Have a lovely weekend, everyone. 🙂