3.5 Mi Casa es su Casa

Wait, wtf? We’re at Chapter 3.5 already?? But that’s like, half the generation gone! We’re supposed to have babies by now KATANA YOU LAZY SHIT

Katana: Babies are hard. I’mma go take a three-day nap so good luck with that legacy thing.

2.5 The Night is Dark and Full of Terrors

Sick of me bombarding you with updates? TOO BAD, HERE’S ANOTHER ONE.

I should get an award for this kind of hardcore hermit lifestyle dedication.

Last chapter, proactivity was the name of the game (if it were actually a word, that is). The rest of our spares moved out (and into the home of a happily married couple) and Razabella (lousiest ship name ever?) tied the knot. Then, Ara went into fierce combat with childbirth and popped out the first kid of Generation Three.

Can we keep up the momentum? Read on and find out.

Let’s kick things off with inspiring screenshot, courtesy of Grey Wind:

In the Langurd household, one can find peace in the most unexpected of places.

Tewl: Who dun dis?

Grey Wind: It was I, Master.

Tewl: …Good boy.

The woes of having a front porch: the pet gets praised for “peeing outside” but we still have to mop it up. –.-

2.4 Romeo’s Quest

Hey, people! So I’m super stoked right now because I earned $20 digging up dead saplings for my mom and I’m using it as an excuse to go by Supernatural. I know, I know — I’m pathetically behind on expansions. It’s because I have this nasty habit of throwing money out the door, and I’ve been trying to kick that habit in the last year or so. That means no “unnecessary purchases” allowed. Apparently these things fall into that category, which is dumb. I want houseboats and skating rinks and university. 😦

(I’m 20, guys. I know sometimes it sounds as if I’m 12.)

Anyway, my morals are waging war on each other because I’m so tempted to just give in and buy the four EPs I’m missing, but it’s a lot of money to spend all at once, especially since I recently quit my part-time job. Which ones are worth it if I just want to spice up my game? If anybody has advice, feel free to lend it!

Also feel free to lend me $25, because I just made the mistake of finding this gem online:

Goddammit, why am I not a millionaire?

Right. Back to business.

When we last saw these guys, the last of the kids aged up into young adults and I sent them on a celebratory “last hurrah” vacation to China. Razor discovered the martial arts, Keg whined like a broken dishwasher to Billy Ray Cyrus, and Rotter found Gorgeous Foreign Woman 2.0 after a severe head trauma. Upon their return, a catastrophic succession of “accuse of cheating”s left everyone’s love life in a mess. Let’s see how they’re faring today.

2.3 The Last Hurrah

It was early afternoon. Rotter had gone for a ride across town with his loyal mare, Bertha. Exhausted and saturated with their typical odour of household refuse, they made for the nearest watery oasis. As they crested the hill, Rotter heard the most enchanting melody wafting toward them from under the trees.

2.2 Revenge of the Vaccinator

Greetings! It’s a pleasure to have you back, and I’m sure you have so missed the company of Tewl and the gang during the past week or so. Ha-ha-ha hilarious, right? (Please don’t leave me alone with them again.)

In recent news, I let this site’s one-year anniversary slip by like a boss. Yeah. It was on July 15th, and I did absolutely zip to celebrate, commemorate, or even acknowledge it. I guess I was too busy celebrating more important birthdays like, uh, Harry Potter’s. I would express some kind of dismay or whatever but I’m really not that sorry, especially looking at how little progress this thing has made in its year of existence.

In the last instalment, Tewl married Morgana! Exclamation mark because I still can’t quite believe it. But in spite of my initial doubts, we have a new and improved Tewl on our hands who has not so much as looked at another woman. I know, right? It’s almost too good to be true…

Tewl: Dere seems to be a invisible magnit dat draws us to—

Aww hell no! Didn’t you learn your lesson the last eighty times you cheated on somebody?

Tewl: C’mon man, she so blonde and dopey!

Paparazzi Dope: And he’s just a real flatterer!

As much as you two are made for each other, I do not approve of this development.

Tewl: What Morgana dun know ain’t hurt ‘er, yo.

2.1 Rising from the Ashes

Hello, and welcome back! It’s been way too long since the last chapter, but what else is new? I hope everyone is enjoying their summer simming. 😀

When I last showed my face on the interwebs, it was to officially conclude the first generation and elect the newest lord of Langurd. And so here you have them, ladies and gentlemen: your crown prince and his queen-to-be.

Yes, you’ve come to the right blog. And no, Tewlgana haven’t adopted. Baldy and Brunette here are the result of a series of updates, errors, and incompatible downloads, topped off with the complete reinstallation that seems to be customary every time I return from a break. After everything my game went through, it’s a wonder they even have eyes and noses. But the point is, we’re back! With plenty of screenshots to caption and exciting stuff ahead. Yeah… I may or may not have played through all of the next generation in less than a week. Self-discipline, you say? Never heard of it.

Razor: Jesus, Ara. You know there’s this thing called a shower?

Arabella: Actually, I believe what you smell is your sex appeal seeping out by the gallon.

Yeah, Mr. Not-So-Clean. Go find yourself a toupee or something.

1.16 A Nyte 2 Rememburr

This is it! The generation that would not end is finally coming to a semi-close. I just want to thank everybody who’s been reading thus far for sticking with me. I know some of these chapters have been a trek due to my ridiculous verbosity, but I promise it will only get more enjoyable from here on out. And now I’ll stop acting like we’ve finished the goddamn legacy and remind myself that this is only 10% complete, and we’ve still got eight more generations of Langurds to birth and thousands of pictures to caption and ahhh, what have I gotten myself into??

Let’s pick up where we left off, shall we? With all the kids sprouted into gangly hormonal teenagery things, the second gen Langurds were gearing up for the biggest night of their lives. PROM, bitches! Now let’s make a huge deal out of it even though it will only end in deflation, rejection, and disillusionment.

As the sun crested over the hills of Sunset Valley and evening began to approach, even the family gnome was getting into the spirit. Yeah, I still don’t know his name because my game hates me right now. For now I’m calling him George after George R. R. Martin because let’s be honest, there’s a pretty solid resemblance there.

George: I WILL KILL EVERYTHING YOU LOVE… AND DANCE ON ITS GRAVE

I hope he will have many gnome descendants.

1.15 Waffulmageddun

Guysguysguys guess what? This is the second last chapter I have to write before Gen. One is over! Well, probably. I might tie up some loose ends later, but it’s been for-freaking-ever since I opened the game file, so really, I have no idea where I’m at. In true Langurd style, we’ve been trudging along blindly for the last three or four chapters. Ain’t that comforting?

Looking back on it, last chapter was pretty ADHD. I could probably have cut 70% of the screenshots without taking away any value. In the parts that mattered, the family became $4,000 richer with the ethically questionable Collection Helper (although I maintain that it was not cheating), the triplets grew up into stylin’ personas that sound like Hallowe’en costumes, and we collectively agreed that the House of Langurd does not bode well with nature. On that note…

Rotter: Right. Now where would I find a mouse ‘round here?

Oh, I don’t know. Somewhere between the central processing boulder and the Blu-Ray tree?

Rotter: Awesum! I’mma check dere!

N00b.

1.14 Wildurness Esplorerz

Well, howdy! With my second year of university well and truly over and another summer upon me (even if the SNOW on Sunday was trying to tell me otherwise) I decided it was about time to get back on this legacy thing. If I had a quarter every time I wrote those words…

Anywho, I figured out that, if I keep going at this rate, it’s going to take me at least a decade to get through this thing — and I don’t know about you, but I’d like to bring that figure down a bit. Who knows, I might not be this charmingly witty when I’m thirty.

So it’s time to down some caffeine, put on my funny cap, and fly off into the sunset blast through the rest of these chapters so we can get to that long-awaited heir poll!

Must I recap what happened last time? I dunno, I sort of forget and I’m too lazy to open a browser and find out. I think there were some glitches and some birthdays, and some guy called Smewl made an appearance. Sounds about right!

Life around town continued in much the same disconcerting fashion. Here we see the do-good kids of Sunset Valley following the Golden Rule: Never leave the house unless accompanied by at least two people sharing your lineage, regardless of whether you know them or not. Oh, and a paparazzi lady who used to stalk your father makes an ideal chaperone.

Dorothy: Now, children, we’d best be getting you home.

Razor: Not today, lady. I fly in the face of sketchy authority. I will sit here and finish this polynomials worksheet. You cannot stop me.

Marjorie: Well, let’s see. According to my calculations, it would seem that the ladybug count in this hedge is— ah yes, too damn high!

Zachary: Jeez, what happened? My head hurts and I have no idea how I got here…

I worry sometimes about the youth of today.

1.13 Altur Egoez

No. This will not do. I’ve had this chapter half-written for like a year but school is bent on keeping it unfinished. The proof is in the pudding, with the pudding being that this chapter’s title is the name of one of my textbooks (with some minor alterations, obviously). Basically I’m in the middle of the worst semester EVER and am currently taking courses in three different languages which is screwing with my mind so dites-moi si je commence à écrire en français oððe on Eald Engliscgereord, si? Derrr, my brain is so fried. Time for Langurds. Because ain’t that the best remedy for a broken intellect.

Now for a SUPERSPEED RECAP because these things are boring as heck! The family was broke so the kids went on a dough-raking mission but failed; Morgana wanted to reconcile with Tewl but he rejected her because he’s douche; Star had an affair with the babysitter; Tewl got his ninth girlfriend but turned her into his sparring buddy; and I forced everyone in the household to be friends so that I didn’t have to invest in more beds. I think that about sums it up – now let’s get cracking on the next one!

We all know what happens when Tewl gets into fights with girls (or anyone, really) so this screenshot is less for plot development and more for the public humiliation of one legacy founder.

Sandi: Take that, bastard! That’ll teach you to beat up a scrawny-ass punk chick with zero percent muscle mass!

Tewl: Ah goddammit, dese shorts are cuttin’ off ma leg!

Erin: Well, I’m glad I never got involved with that pansy.

Jocasta: Few sandwiches short of a picnic there, Erin? Ooooh, snap. That’s way better than the last caption you wrote for this thought bubble.

Why thank you. 😉