2.3 The Last Hurrah

It was early afternoon. Rotter had gone for a ride across town with his loyal mare, Bertha. Exhausted and saturated with their typical odour of household refuse, they made for the nearest watery oasis. As they crested the hill, Rotter heard the most enchanting melody wafting toward them from under the trees.

When he saw that the voice came from a beautiful foreign woman, Rotter was completely enraptured. He got off his horse to investigate.

“Might as well pack my bags now,” thought his mare bitterly, for she had always been the only woman in his life.

Alas, Rotter was no charmer, and before he could so much as look upon her face the mysterious woman fled in terror. And so, resigning himself to eternal bachelorhood, Rotter found solace in “playing with Woody.”

Not like that, you sickos. Woody is the bird’s name.

Anyway, welcome back! I hope you enjoyed that little departure from our usual narration style, because it probably won’t happen again. Flowery prose takes way too much effort.

We return to the household in the midst of a very special evening. You see, after Morgana kicked the bucket at 90 days on the dot, I became suddenly paranoid that the same thing would happen to Tewl. So I started tying up loose ends: writing down his info, tallying up his lifetime happiness points — and, of course, making one last effort to mend the broship with Chris.

Tewl: I’ss been like thirty years, man. Time to be buds again?

Chris: Yeah, what the heck.

Tewl: Sweet. Brohug?

Chris: I’ve suddenly forgotten how.

In case anybody was curious…

Which is a darn shame, because I have this little treasure saved up from a few chapters ago…

Scandal all over the place.

By the end of the night, they got back up to “Friends” status, which was good enough for me. As one last gesture of good will, Tewl gave Chris a special gift.

Tewl: I want you ta take dis super historikul artefact. Ya deserve it, man.

Chris: *sob* It’s… it’s all I ever really wanted…

After that, things were just like old times.

Chris: Wanna see something impressive?

Tewl: Oh shit. Don’t do it man, don’t—

Tewl: Aw, now dat’s just gross.

Chris: Finest dog turds in all of Sunset Valley.

While he was still hanging around, Chris got to spend some quality time catching up with his daughter, whom he had previously never spoken to.

Chris: Tell me about your life, Arabella. What do you do for a living?

Ara: Well, you see, I write these epic fables about blood and death and darkness and fecal matter. It all just pops out of my head like it’s been floating there for years.

Chris: Good lord, child. What have these people done to you??

Fun fact: Soon after this, Chris remarried with Bebe Hart and they had a son together named Shon. That means he’s had children by three different woman, making him almost as bad as Tewl, whose count is five. Not bad for a guy who’s never even had a kid in my game before.

As if we needed any more excitement for the evening, Star and Keg decided to have their birthday as well. I’m really getting slack on the post-makeover pics, so you’ll have to make do with the awkward long hair and toga shirt for the time being.

Star: Ha, suck it! Looks like I’m the older twin now!

Keg: Whoop-dee-do. Have fun dying first.

You guys are so mature.

Star is now a Snob in addition to Loves the Outdoors, Slob, Inappropriate, and Eco-Friendly. Her LTW is “Super Popular,” and I’m glad she won’t have to complete it because this little snark is awful at making friends.

And heeeeeeere’s Keggy!

Keg: I am zee grown man now. You must treat me vis zee respect.

Hahahaha… never.

At this point, I was still convinced that it was Tewl’s final night with us, and so here are the obligatory pictures of him “passing on the torch” and all that crap.

Tewl: So I’m gon be rottin’ in da ground soon enuff and I’mma need someone ta keep things goin’ round hurr. Da voices say yer da man fer da job.

Razor: Mmm.

Tewl: Fink you can do me proud, son?

Razor: Well, look at it this way. I can’t possibly do a worse job than you did.

Tewl: Exaktly!

And that right there is the most pleasant conversation Tewl has ever had with one of his boys.

The sky kept getting darker and still no reaper (for either of these old codgers). So Arabella decided to do a live retelling of her latest novel, “Cleavermore.”

Ara: …And from then on, whenever he heard the sound of steel on stones, he cried like a baby from his one remaining eye.

Tewl: Man, yer daughter SUCKS at bedtime stories!

Chris: Yeah? At least mine doesn’t walk around in her underwear.

Star: Sleepwear, actually. Somebody keeps forgetting to give me a makeover.

Ah, yes. So I loaded up CAS, fixed our prissy little spare some slightly-less-slutty attire, and came back to find…

Yeah, I’m just pulling your leg. Tewl didn’t die that night (dammit). This is Tuesday’s grave, kindly retrieved from the mausoleum by Razor. I figured we should keep the Steels on the home lot since I’m now considering them our unofficial secondary founders (and what an honourable title that is). I won’t be using them for points or anything, but that doesn’t mean they can’t offer us a pesky ghost or two.

I mean, they’ve certainly given us pesky things of another variety. It looks like Keg finally clued into his girlfriend’s promiscuous exploits.

Keg: I can’t believe this! You’ve been seeing another guy all along?

Cleo: Uh, yeah. Why are you so mad about this?

Keg: Maybe because you’re my girlfriend, and we’re supposed to share secrets and go on moonlit walks and chase rainbows and butterflies and live happily ever after?

Cleo: Dude, we’ve been dating for three days.

Keg: Yes, three magical days!

Cleo: Are you gonna cry about it?

Keg: Maybe…

Instead, he expelled his feelings by ruining the most important portrait of this generation. May I present our new heir, Marshmallow Jim.

Keg: Nobody understands my artistic vision… *sniff* *sob*

Poor guy. But I don’t want that monstrosity in the mausoleum so he’s gonna have to start again.

Soon enough, graduation day was upon us. While Arabella hogged the bathroom, Star found alternative ways of getting ready.

Awww cutest family photo omg ❤ ❤ ❤

Tewl: A’ight kids, knock ‘em dead. But not actually cuz we ain’t wanna go to jail ‘til we at least 25, got it?

Chorus: Shut up, Dad.

There were a lot of familiar faces at graduation. Harri Toth met the Langurds on the way in, and his thought bubble gave me reason to doubt the falsity of this “act” of his.

Harri: Dayum Keg, you lookin’ fine today.

Also present was Misty Pemberton, whom you may remember as the girl who almost went to prom with Rotter. Once again, a needless photobomb by Keg.

Then there were the kids’ half-sisters, Marjorie and Sharonda Gewf (Chilluns of the Skandalus Betrayull). And holy shit, they are some really twinny twins. Sharonda is kind of a lot prettier though.

And Arabella’s half-brother, Cesar, who by all logic should have graduated much before everyone else but oh well, said EA, logic is for pansies.

And let’s not forget Sandi Gewf, his freakin’ fiancée, who tagged along for support.

After the ceremony, Keg and Cleopatra managed to work things out. Probably she was really impressed when he won “most likely to burn down their own house” and agreed to date only three people on the side rather than the usual fifteen.

As for the other kids, the tables were somewhat turned:

Ripper – most likely to take over the world (as if he could ever be that epic)

Rotter – most likely to be a rockstar (sure, if we’re talking actual rocks, ‘cause we know he’s got experience with those)

Razor – class clown (this one actually works)

Arabella – most likely to be mediocre (I feel bad for whoever announced that; he probably got his tongue cut out).

And Star was the star of the evening (hurr hurr), pulling off valedictorian and most likely to be a millionaire. Rigged votes or shoddy establishment? You decide.

On a sadder note, Graculus flew the coop. 😦 I guess I should have thought to put his cage inside once we extended the house, but maybe it’s for the better. I hope he’s off making baby birds with equally awesome names, like Edworth or Zoryx or — yeah, EA pretty much killed it with Graculus. We’ll miss you, little buddy!

It’s not exactly like we have a shortage of household pets though. Rotter still has his Bertha, after all. Or should I say Bertha has her Rotter?

Bertha: He’s mah dopey little teddy bear!

Dawwww, you guys. ❤

These two have been up to a lot despite my failure to catch it on camera. Rotter managed to get her trained through many hours of galloping across town, and they’ve entered two races together. The first one they tanked atrociously; Rotter was left bouncing along from one stirrup. The second time, they took home the gold.

As for the mystery woman of Crystal Springs, Rotter kept searching for her to no avail.

He even put out a public announcement a-la Cinderella, but the only women who came calling were obvious frauds.

Sunny: It is I, the Crystal Springs Songstress! These are the flowers you dropped on the night we met.

Rotter: Dat’s not how it works, idiot! And ain’t you da lady who’s been hangin’ round here since I was two?

Sunny: Noooo…

Meanwhile, Arabella was having her own private revelation.

Arabella: All this writing has given me a hunger… a hunger for adventure!

Well, m’lady, your wish is my command (but only this once). Brace yourselves for…

A family trip to China! *jazz hands* Minus Tewl! *more vigorous jazz hands*

Star: Uh, this doesn’t look like China. Where are all the people?

Keg: And the egg rolls?

Ripper: And the people?

Hey now, don’t you hear the gong and the reed pipes? This is definitely China.

Rotter: If you say so…

Razor: Silence, fools. Something in this land tugs at the very core of my being.

At least one of you knows where it’s at.

They lightened up a little once I sent them on their way. I’m not hugely familiar with WA (like most of the other expansions, it seems) so I didn’t have an activity in mind besides getting the lay of the land.

Star: Race you to the Dragon’s Maw!

Ripper: Aw, come on, sis. That place is a death trap!

Keg: Yeah, can’t we go to a teahouse instead?

Arabella learned the hard way that there’s nothing in these towers except empty space (and a handy suicide portal) and that nothing magical happens when you reach the top of one. Boo.

Keg picked up a guitar for the first time ever. He found a park where he could play songs about betrayal to the grateful ears of nobody.

Keg: Don’t tell my heart, my achy breaky heart, I just don’t th—

BYE NOW.

Star had the bright idea of skinny dipping in the marketplace in broad daylight. Damn girl, you wouldn’t last a day as a real-world traveller.

But maybe this kid could hold her own against law enforcers/predators because she handles a pickaxe like a boss.

Star: Death 2 rockpile lololol!

Razor got a start on his LTW by swatting at a wooden post for a few hours.

Razor: Take that, you miserable wad of forest debris! That’ll be the last time you mess with the Son of the Night!

He is so in his element here it’s almost scary.

Razor: Jìngwèi wǒ, qǐgài! Yīnwèi wǒ shì dàsuàn kǎo sānmíngzhì.

Easy there, hotshot. No fluency until your green belt at least.

K wow, that was fast.

Adaeze: Chī wǒ de shǒutuīchē.

Razor: Lèyì.

Arabella tried her hand at the sparring post as well, but it seems she’d be a better ballerina than a martial artist. That is one hell of a (painful-looking) second position.

Ara: And plié…  Now, Logsworth, that is just disgraceful! You must bend your legs like so… or I will pummel you into the ground.

Logsworth: Eep! But Madam, I don’t have any legs!

Ara: Oh really? Then what is that long piece of— oh… OH.

And for whatever reason, I picked Rotter to be our adventurer. It was a mistake; he hit his head on the stone rim and sank into the crystal clear waters, never to be—

Rotter! You’re alive! :O

Rotter: Who da fuck am I?

P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.

Rotter: Right. Got it.

He stumbled out of the tomb and over to the marketplace, where he came across this gorgeous specimen named Sun Young Kim, who bore an uncanny resemblance to the Mystery Songstress.

Rotter: Hi dere, beautiful lady. I was hopin’ you could help me out. My name is P. Sherman an’ I’m lookin’ for 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.

Sun: Kid, you must have had some bad drugs. You’re in China.

Rotter: Ma’am, maybe dese will help jog yer memory.

Sun: Oh, they’re lovely! But seriously, you’re in China. I can’t help you.

Rotter: At least gimme yer phone number?

Sun: Oh, alright. But please get yourself to a hospital ASAP.

Back at the base camp, Razor and Arabella were recovering from a hard day’s work.

Razor: I picked these for you whilst doing squats under a waterfall.

Liar.

Ara: Oh, they are magnificent! How did you know that pink was my favourite colour?

Razor: Lucky guess? It’s not as if I’ve known you since birth or anything.

Ara: Razor Langurd, you are a wonderful man with a sharp eye for beauty. We should spend more time together, I say.

Razor: That would be excellent. But… aren’t you still with Zachery?

Ara: Who is Zachery? He has not been mentioned in at least two chapters.

Razor: Well, in that case — soulmates?

Ara: Soulmates.

Couldn’t resist. XD

EXCEPT.

Apparently I spoke too soon, because the moment they got back to Sunset Valley, this happened.

Arabella: I will not tolerate your gallivanting with other women, Razor! Do you know how that demeans me?

Razor: Care to send me a postcard from Crazytown? I have no idea what you’re talking about…

Arabella: Oh, I am sure you have every idea.

Star: Wow, my brothers really suck at relationships.

Indeed they do, but also…

This happened a little while before the China adventures. I guess I clicked the wrong button… oops? XD

Of course, nothing came of it because this girl is as flaky as pie crust. She legitimately cancelled right after Razor hung up the phone, but apparently that still counts as cheating.

But wait! There’s more.

Ara: Oh, but now I feel so awful because…

Razor: What is it, Ara? You can tell me.

Ara: It’s Zachery. I must have forgotten to break up with him.

Razor: Oh, for the love of Graculus. We just went over this!

What a goddamn mess. I think because they started their romance in China, where Zachery and Cleo were nowhere to be found, the game managed to ignore any conflicts until they got back home. And then it exploded in a giant supernova of confusion and accusations, causing my two babymakers to hate each other.

Shit.

At this point, Star and Harri’s was the only smooth-sailing relationship, even if it was a little dysfunctional. (Hey, that’s the name of this legacy for a reason.)

Star: Say, Harri, have you ever seen “Easy A”?

Harri: The one where Emma Stone pretends to sleep with gay guys and losers to boost their manly credibility?

Star: That’s the one!

Harri: Hmm. I’m listening.

Star: Pretending is all we’re gonna do. Got that straight? No sneak attacks, no funny business, definitely no date to the Lobster Shack…

Harri: Whatever you say, babe.

Harri must have totally misconstrued whatever happened in there, because one thing led to another and…

Harri: There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.

Star: But Harri, this doesn’t happen in the movie.

Harri: Screw the movie. Will you marry me?

Star: Holy craperoo, you’re not joking. That is one big-ass diamond.

Harri: It was my Grandma Mildred’s. I’ve been saving it for you since that time we pulled an all-nighter playing tag.

Harri: Now please don’t laugh this off and throw it in the toilet ‘cause it’s worth more than my life.

Star: Well, I guess… I guess some guys do like a married woman.

I think he’ll take what he can get at this point.

Their wedding was simple and intimate and just as elegant as can be.

Tewl: Engaged to a gay boy? Tha’ss right, an’ I’m a toasted zucchini samwich.

Bertha: This is so laughable, I think I might just pee myself.

Bertha: Yup, there it is.

And they lived happily ever after in a house with one obvious problem. (It’s a good thing I don’t have Seasons yet.)

…

FIVE DAYS LATER

Ripper: Star? Star, you little bitch, where are you??!

Keg: Aw shit man, she left us!

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Was it just me, or was this chapter particularly long and treacherous? I would count the screenshots, but that would require moving the mouse and I’m sitting here all relaxed with my peppermint tea. Meh.

Just a bit of housekeeping stuff: I finally got to work on the “The Family” page, and all the Langurds (and Steels) are now up for download. Oh, and if you have a sim/simself that you would like me to throw into my town, feel free to shoot me a comment! Tewl’s bastards are taking over the genetic pool and I could really use some non-Langurd blood.

Thanks for reading and Happy Simming!

-Sam