2.2 Revenge of the Vaccinator

Greetings! It’s a pleasure to have you back, and I’m sure you have so missed the company of Tewl and the gang during the past week or so. Ha-ha-ha hilarious, right? (Please don’t leave me alone with them again.)

In recent news, I let this site’s one-year anniversary slip by like a boss. Yeah. It was on July 15th, and I did absolutely zip to celebrate, commemorate, or even acknowledge it. I guess I was too busy celebrating more important birthdays like, uh, Harry Potter’s. I would express some kind of dismay or whatever but I’m really not that sorry, especially looking at how little progress this thing has made in its year of existence.

In the last instalment, Tewl married Morgana! Exclamation mark because I still can’t quite believe it. But in spite of my initial doubts, we have a new and improved Tewl on our hands who has not so much as looked at another woman. I know, right? It’s almost too good to be true…

Tewl: Dere seems to be a invisible magnit dat draws us to—

Aww hell no! Didn’t you learn your lesson the last eighty times you cheated on somebody?

Tewl: C’mon man, she so blonde and dopey!

Paparazzi Dope: And he’s just a real flatterer!

As much as you two are made for each other, I do not approve of this development.

Tewl: What Morgana dun know ain’t hurt ‘er, yo.

Tewl: Hey gurl, wanna see somethin’ real speshul up in da— oh shit.

Morgana: You’d better be shitting yourself, you gigantic tatooed turd!

The sentimental half of me was cursing inside when Morgana came home to this, thinking it would ruin my cleverly orchestrated happily ever after. The other half was sadistically pleased, imagining a confrontation where Morgana would toss her wedding ring down his windpipe, steal his sunglasses and roar off into the night on his motorcycle. Yeeeaaahhh.

Instead, I got this.

Morgana: Relax, Tewl. I’d be an idiot not to realize that this is just your true nature, and if we broke up every time you tried to watch the stars with some random passerby, this legacy would be a real pain to read.

Tewl: Aw, really?

Yeah, really?

Morgana: Yes. But — the blonde bitch is gonna have to go.

Tewl: Ya don’ have ta tell me twice, Miss wife lady! Imma let dat vixen know who’s boss!

And so he did.

Tewl: Shoo, homewrecker. You ain’t welcome round here no more.

Paparazzi Dope: Yes, because I am the cause of your marital problems. Me, with my doe eyes and gorgeous golden locks, and nothing to do with your philandering ways.

Tewl: Beat it, whoreface.

Tewl: Da fings I do fer love!

At least I got a little bit of what I was hoping for.

Tewl: Sexytimes now?

Morgana: Not so fast. I still get to yell at you ARRGTHKSDFHGLWERGFOEASGLASDF.

Tewl: Whoa man, angry ladies is scary! Tewl ain’t gonna cross dis woman again, no siree!

And miraculously, he never did. At least not while she was… well, read on and find out.

Over in kitchenland, Grey Wind casually strolls away from the scene of a horrific crime. Who was it, pup? You’d best give them up, or else.

Grey Wind: Ruff?

Right, now you lose the powers of speech I bestowed upon you last chapter. Ungrateful son of a—

FUCK.

Luckily, Tewl has nothing to do with his life anymore and was able to attend to the situation.

Tewl: Aww man, thank god yer here! Think you could help me out?

Firefighter: Yeah, right. I heard you watched the stars with some lady who wasn’t your wife. Put out your own fire, psychopath!

I think Sunset Valley needs to rethink their hiring process for these idiots.

Speaking of questionable professionals, I decided to follow Morgana to work for once. She doesn’t have a lot of time left in this legacy (oops, big spoiler?) and I felt sorta bad about ignoring her all the time. Behold, she blew me away and decided to suddenly become a total badass. And now, observe the villainous exploits of THE VACCINATOR.

Molly: Uh, I don’t know about this. Are you sure that’s supposed to go in my face?

Morgana: Uh, yep. I’m a doctor, remember?

Of course, the fact that 90% of her patients were Tewl’s exes may have spurred her thirst for vengeance.

Holly: Well, this is awkward…

Morgana: Hello there, Holly. Step on up, don’t be shy!

Morgana: Just a little prick… You should be familiar with those, eh Holly? How’s that pruney husband of yours?

Holly: My egooooooooo! It burns!

Sandi: She can’t possibly know who I am. Not with this super-mega-high-tech disguise! …Right?

Morgana: Here ya go, honey. I packed this one with extra beaver tranquilizers.

She was still on a roll when she headed back to the hospital.

Morgana: The fuck is that?

Zelda: Um, my child…?

Morgana: You actually mated with that Bunch dude? You know we’re trying to get through a legacy here, right?

(Holy bejeesus, attack of the question marks.)

Morgana: Here, allow me to end his suffering right now with a brick to the head.

Zelda: Excuse me?

Morgana: Or you can be a heartless mofo and put him through high school. Your choice.

Morgana: But seriously, a swift kick to the solar plexus ought to do it.

Arlo: You are so fired when your bosses hear about this.

Morgana: Fired, you say? Well, I’m afraid you can’t do that because I retire! Yay, me!

She never did actually reach level 8 like I wanted her to, but this gal put in so much time as the Langurd Breadwinner that I thought she deserved a few days of R&R before… well, yeah. (All bow down to the master of suspense.)

Being awesome for a couple of hours must have taken a lot out of her, because she promptly went home and collapsed in a heap of failing mood bars.

Grey Wind: Hey, who said you could sleep? It’s time for my birthday and I want everyone’s attention! Arooooooo!

Grey Wind: Awwww yeeeaaaaaah.

Tewl: Welcome to da family, big dog dat ate Grey Wind fo’ dinner!

Zombie Morgana: I’m totally awake and I totally care!

Tewl: Right, I want you ta sit here ‘til ya poop out my old puppy, ya hear? I’ll have none o’ dis cannibalism nonsense.

Grey Wind: I don’t think you understand, sir — I am Grey Wind. And I want you to be my BFF, please!

Oh, excellent choice. –eye roll-

Ripper: Man, I’m tired of this place. I never get any real screen time anymore.

That’s ‘cause you’re like the Gerber Baby. Hit your prime when you were in diapers and now no one really knows who you are anymore.

And now for a series of commemorative shots that I will try my hardest to caption seriously, since this chapter’s big moment is almost upon us (and none of us have the slightest idea what it will be).

Tewl: Ya fink we done good wif dis family, Morgs?

Morgana: Well, let’s see. Our daughter is dating a homosexual, and our little boy has fallen for the town floozy. We’ve got one who works with dead people and another who rides a horse backwards, and our eldest is so unmemorable that even I’ve forgotten his name. Why don’t you tell me, Tewl?

Tewl: Sounds ta me like a job well dun.

Tewl: So le’ss make another one, yo!

Morgana: Oh, Tewl. It’s a shame my innards are entirely composed of cobwebs and dust.

No, it really isn’t.

And in her final hours, she went to the bookstore to take advantage of her discount one more time, getting there the only way she knew how.

Morgana: I am Langurd. Hear me roar.

And then, a little while later…

Omg what?? SHOCKER.

Morgana: Between the lettuce and your not-so-subtle foreshadowing, this is not quite the climactic death I had hoped for.

Hey, you could have kicked it at work you know. Alone and in scrubs, with none of your beloved family around to have appropriate reactions.

Arabella: *unfazed*

Rotter: Woooooooo! Guys, I am so happy right now! Life is amazing!

Star: Uh, Rotter? You might want to stfu…

Arabella: What a bunch of tenderfoots. I was half your age when I witnessed my first death — this is nothing.

Grey Wind: So… can I eat that lettuce or what?

There was one person around who gave a damn, but he couldn’t drag his butt out of bed in time to stand there and cry. Instead, he found other ways of expressing his grief.

Tewl: Listen here, Mister Death. I am gon crush you like a bug fer takin’ ma Sugar Pie.

Reaper: Sure, kill death. There’s a great idea.

I see you, Ripper. You’d better be skulking off to get rid of that gall darn ponytail.

Ripper: I am in mourning — can’t you give me a break for once?

Um, no.

With that, Morgana became the legacy graveyard’s first occupant. Her epitaph reads “We’d be broke without you.”

Morgana passed on at 90 days old. During her time with us, she achieved her lifetime wish of Surrounded by Family, reached level 7 of the medical career, and racked up skill points in six different areas. Her lifetime happiness points total 91,304, which is just shy of what will get us points but good enough, at least, for a decent gravestone.

Morgana Langurd, we will miss your pension checks you!

Now back to the good part! Razor celebrated his birthday down at the mausoleum after he got off work.

Um, why is there a dent in your head and where did your eyebrows go???

Razor: Oh, my face just melted is all. It’s part of the aging process now — hadn’t you heard?

This is a problem I’m beginning to encounter more and more in my game, and I think it has something to do with the default skin replacement I use. For now, it only happens to one sim in ten and seems to go away if I spazz out and click a bunch of buttons in CAS (my preferred method of troubleshooting). Still, I am not a happy simmer when my precious legacy heir looks like THIS. 😡

On that note, apparently the rodeo’s in town…

These are the pictures they will show each other’s fiancées on the eves of their weddings, shattering the illusion of badassery they have thitherto created.

Gladly, these hillbilly rags were thrown to the wayside. And here are the post-makeover pictures!

Everyone’s favourite guy Ripper rolled Inappropriate to round out his collection of Good, Genius, Excitable, and Coward. In case you need a refresher, his LTW is World Renowned Surgeon, but let’s face it — I ain’t keeping him around long enough to fulfil it.

By the way, this picture is actually a placeholder (believe it or not). Apparently the camera bypassed our eldest triplet yet again. I swear I’m not doing it on purpose, although he does deserve it for being so dull.

Rotter aged up looking very srs indeed (I think it’s those dead straight eyebrows). Accordingly, he toned down the cray factor of his wardrobe by about 2%. He rolled Virtuoso as his final trait, making him a Clumsy, Cowardly, Unlucky, Easily-Impressed Musical Genius.

Don’t mind the half-painted grumpkin in the background. That was probably Keg trying to do a portrait of Arabella.

Last but not least, here is our dapper young heir!

Razor: Go on, call me that again. I dare you.

Looks like somebody rolled “sassy”! JKlolz. Razor picked up Good Sense of Humour, which I quite like. He is now a Good, Brave, Disciplined, Heavy-Sleeping Funny Guy. I fretted for hours a good while over what a suitable LTW would be — I mean, the guy’s such a walking contradiction. He’s a disciplined rebel, a nighthawk who loves his sleep, a sarcastic lover of childhood paraphernalia. Fortunately, I found just the thing — our leather-clad teddy bear will pursue his calling in the mystical East, integrating both ferocity and serenity to become a Martial Arts Master.

And he’s ready to carry the Langurd torch!

Razor: Hand me the reins of an unbroken horse, why don’t you.

Funny you should say that…

Surprise!

Although actually, this is for Rotter. I forgot to mention this, but Rotter — in an impressive story of dropkick turns overachiever — completed his LTW, The Zoologist, while still a teenager. Like WOW! But not really, because half of his collection came from the Collection Helper and the other half from recapturing the reptiles that crawled out of his pockets. Hey, it’s not cheating if EA coded it that way.

Anyway, since he was sitting around all useless and I am still irrationally excitable where the Pets expansion is concerned, I let him adopt a horse. Her name is Bertha and I think she is gorgeous. ❤

Rotter: Hiya, Bertha. I’m Rotter, yer new master.

Bertha: You smell like garbage.

Better get used to it, darlin’.

Somehow, we got the founding families (minus Morgana) together to celebrate Ara’s birthday. It was a heart-warming moment, and one that made me intensely glad I didn’t keep them in a single household. Can you imagine?

Ripper: Heuh heuh… Star’s head went through glass… heuh heuh.

No one likes you.

Oooooh, I like you though!

Ara has really grown into her grump face, I think. She has exactly the nose I always wanted when I was younger (is that crossing some sort of creepiness line?) and her looks are interesting enough that I’m excited to get her into our bloodline (‘kay, now I’ve definitely crossed it).

Ara rolled Born Saleswoman. It would seem she lost her Easily Impressed trait due to a conflict with Can’t Stand Art (get your shit together, EA) so I rolled for a trait to fill in the gap. She is now a Good, Slobby, Dramatic Born Saleswoman who Can’t Stand Art. I picked “Fairytale Finder” as her LTW. I might have gone down the writer route but I wanted something more exciting than a plain old career, y’know? I’ve never accomplished such a feat in my whole simming career, so we’ll have to see how this one goes.

Arabella: Oh, it will go just splendidly. I will not rest until I discover my royal steed!

At least it fits her personality.

Afterward, all the kids of the Golden Age sat down together for the very first time. What’s that? Ripper is missing? My camera has decided that he is no longer a part of the family.

Cleopatra: You know, this whole thing was so not fair. You guys got to grow up together in this awesome house and I was stuck with no-fun bipolar parents on the other side of town.

Arabella: Perhaps you should count yourself lucky — you never had to sleep outside, after all.

Rotter: Dafuq is dat on yer plate, Keg?

Keg: Derrrr.

Despite his cognitive malfunction, Keg continued to work his magic on Cleopatra.

Razor: Ugh. Somebody please tell me what she sees in him.

Jealous there, Razor?

Apparently, yes.

Razor: Hey Cleo. I see you’re getting quite close to my brother. I just hope you understand that he is missing a sizeable chunk of his frontal lobe.

Cleopatra: That’s okay, I’m dating like five other guys right now anyway. Say, would you be interested in…?

Razor: Ah, no thanks, I’ll be alright.

Ian: *sigh* Dang man, you don’t know how lucky you are!

It would seem that Tewlopher’s offspring truly are desperate to pair up, because I got this news just a little earlier:

I am similarly dumbfounded. Especially because it’s Cesar, that hunk.

Elsewhere, Star was taking the mickey out of an old lady ‘cause she’s fearless like that.

Star: So what’s an old bag of bones like you doing in the army? I bet they put you in the front line as a pity ploy, huh?

Tuesday: Why you little harlot!

Star: Are those your real teeth?

Tuesday: I’ll have you know, I hold a very respectable position—

Star: Your daughter is a slut!

And she stormed off in a huff, probably plotting a full-scale attack on the Langurd house for later that day. Thanks a lot, Star.

Star: Just pwned Ara’s Mom! Instagramming this shit.

Tuesday: You will live to regret this!

Revenge was immediate. With Morgana’s death fresh on everyone’s minds, the old crone effectuated the world’s biggest guilt trip. Tuesday Steel, I applaud you.

Star: Aw shit, I just insulted her and she died…

Ara: You did what?

Star: I mean, uh, nothing! Your mother was the loveliest woman that ever lived. Sisters?

Ara: Oh, alright.

Cleo: What am I, a next-door neighbour?

This picture is so tragically comical, my chest just spasms with emotional confusion every time I look at it.

At least Tuesday made obvious the cause of death…

Gosh, are our parties really that bad?

It was kind of a bummer to lose our two matriarchs within a couple of days. But with death, it seems, there is new life — meet Penelop, the newest member of our gnome herd! As you can probably see, I had almost finished writing “Penelope” when I remembered that these are Mr Gnomes, so I just stopped typing. This is how I am going to name my children one day.

George: Aww man, you don’t wanna know how I spawned that thing.

Yeah, yeah. You’d best get off yo ass — books six and seven aren’t going to write themselves!! 😡

Also on a brighter note, Morgana the Transparent made her first appearance! She came back in a bathing suit for some dumb reason and it makes her look completely nude, but for once Tewl’s gaze wasn’t pervy. It was totally heartbreaking and UGH I’m supposed to hate you please stop making me feel feelings WHYYYYYY

No really, stop it. 😦

Not to say that we got over Morgana or anything, but after those pesky moodlets disappeared we got back to life as we know it here at the House of Langurd.

Like partying in style.

And Rotter being a dunderhead.

And Keg failing at life in general.

Predictably, he is our portrait painter for this generation. Unfortunately, he seems to be as much an incompetent buffoon as his mother was.

Keg: What? This is what Rotter looks like.

Seriously, is it so hard to paint a face without breaking into avant-garde zigzagism?

I see a distinct resemblance.

Razor made this face right after I snapped the shot for his portrait, which made me kick myself so hard. I mean goddamn, he is perfection.

Razor: Keg could never capture this in paint anyway.

True story.

And here’s another true story. Lately, the Langurd kids think it’s funny to just not come home from school and instead “hang out” endlessly on the playground. Now, you all know I’m terrible at managing the whole gang so there’s always somebody who slips through my fingers. On this particular night, it was Star.

Star: 12:01AM. Still stranded at the bottom of the slide, where I thought it would be fun to do my homework. It isn’t fun anymore. I wish somebody would come and get me. Lucky I carry this sleeping bag around all the time so I can catch some Z’s.

Yes, they also are really stupid about managing themselves and don’t even think of going home on their own. And they have a weird obsession with these sleeping bags.

Then this happened.

Officer Stony-Eyes: You’re under arrest. Whoop-dee-do.

Star: Oh, Officer! Please take me home, please! I’m on the verge of drinking my own urine!

Razor must be taking his heir duties seriously because he took it upon himself to scold Star for her actions. It really is one big cycle of hypocrisy.

Razor: Good gracious, Star, what were you thinking? Why must you be so irresponsible and don’t my eyebrows look gorgeous right now omg.

Star: I haven’t eaten in weeks. Please just let me go inside.

Razor: Discipline is exhausting.

George: You can say that again.

Penelop: But Daddy, I WANT TO SEE THE LITTLE MAN FLY!

(I’ve really gotta can it with the Game of Thrones. Soon, I promise. :P)

The real man of the house (if he’s really deserving of that title) had a different angle on the situation.

Tewl: Aw, cheer up kid. Yer bro’s just bein’ a douchenugget cuz he was never no good at rebellin’.

Tewl: In fact, dat was awesome! Yew should get arrested more often!

Star: Jeez Dad, you might just be the worst parent ever.

Congrats on the revelation, you prodigy you.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

That’s it for another chapter! Next time: China? (Or am I just teasing again?)

Until then, Happy Simming!

-Sam