5.9 Well-Preserved Ruins

Let us begin this chapter with the Greatest Tragedy of Them All™.

florin doesn't have children what

I’m talking about the fact that the game thinks he has children. And family. And friends.

I’m sorry, I bet you’re all crying now. Things can only go up from here, right?

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Buzz (writing): A gentle snow falls like bullets on my metal joints. I see her up in the distance, walking away from me. Then I realize it is just my shattered heart playing tricks on my weary mind.

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Buzz: *fulfills LTW*

…Seriously? With that bullshit? A moment of silence for the modern publishing industry, please.

 royalties

Buzz is now a Professional Author. He accomplished it in the most half-assed way possible, by churning out trashpile after trashpile until quantity won out over quality.

pink diamond dust

However – his final novel, Pink Diamond Dust, was a hit with the subway riders who hide their trashy novels behind The Financial Times.

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Pink Diamond Dust, eh?

Buzz: I have no idea where I got the idea from.

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Frieda: So… why exactly can’t I have my lifetime wish, again?

Because yours involves my heir dying. And you still haven’t passed down your genetics, you stingy little—

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Oops, there are children watching. If you recall, Fiasco is the third of the green-and-black disappointments, born last chapter on Snowflake Day. He’s much too happy for this place. I was this close to deleting his IF, but it was pre-named Peanut, just like my cat was before I adopted him. Sentimental? NEVER.

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Okay, maybe a little. LEFFJEFF! ❤ Why haven’t I seen your children yet??

Lev: Children? We’re a little busy ruling the Fae.

Jeff: Yes. Ruling. That’s what we’ve been doing.

They’re liars—they have three now. With the way they’re always looking at each other, it’s a wonder they don’t have 20.

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Not all spares are so lucky in love.

Skydancer: Yes, poor Mandrake got landed with an ass of a boyfriend who takes three people to woo him.

Sky, I’m not talking about Mandrake.

Sky: Who then?

Sigh…

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Storm. I am clearly talking about Storm.

Coincidentally, the lovely filly had her birthday outside in a snowstorm.

Storm: Coincidence? I made this storm, bitches!

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And that was how Storm became the Bearded Lady.

Storm: Daddy, I got my wish! I look just like you!

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Some reviews came in for the resort, and by far the most popular comment was along the lines of: “Where the fuck is the swimming pool???”

YOU ARE ON A BEACH, YOU TWATS.

But the customer is always right, so I obliged and built this little chunk of poop. I mean paradise. This chunk of paradise. Now they can shut their blowholes.

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Buzz: Well, sweetums, I did it. Your Buzz is finally a bigshot writer.

Lira: …

Buzz: I know you would be proud of me if you were still here.

Lira: …

Buzz: What am I supposed to do now?

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Buzz: I mean, I always thought we’d retire to the countryside and feed each other strawberries. But I never accounted for you getting murdered by a frisbee.

Frisbee: lol

Buzz: Wait! That’s it! I know just what I have to do…

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Buzz: I must avenge the death of my beloved!

Frisbee: Bite me.

Buzz: To infinity and beyond!

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Frisbee: No.

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Buzz: Lira… Why can’t I ever be… good enough?

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“A gentle snow falls like bullets on my metal joints. I see her up in the distance, walking away from me.” </3

(Buzz Lightyear Langurd 2k16)

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GumbyGrim: Stepdad? What are you doing on the— ohhhhh.

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GumbyGrim: YOU FUCKED UP!

Buzz: Could this be more humiliating?

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Omen: Oh no, Uncle Buzz! Vader have mercy on his soul…

GumbyGrim: Omen, I am your father.

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Omen: IT’S NOT TRUE!!!

GumbyGrim: *runs away for costume change*

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So yes, Buzz and Lira both died trying to transmute the same frisbee (Buzz on the first try, no less) and now we have this super tragic monument up in the East Tower.

Looks an awful lot like his proposal attempts, am I right? XD

…Too soon?

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In case you ever wondered what Buzz looked like under the metal exterior, here’s our spaceman all suited up. Yikes. They’s some funky eyebrows, but let’s just say Sky is lucky she isn’t more of a Face One…

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…and that she got her mother’s figure.

I went to put his urn under his portrait, then realized I dun goofed and never painted him one. I’ll probably go back and do it in an old save, but I’m a good little simmer, so I won’t give myself the point.

Buzz Lightyear Langurd was an unforgettable addition to the family. Brought to life from Ara’s sacred pink diamond, he fell with style for his creator and never looked back. He fathered the first decent Langurd in… ever… and stuck patiently by his lady through verbal abuse, fairyhood, werewolfism, old age, and mummification. He may be gone, all gone, but his twelve novels will withstand the ages the next few months, probably. Buzz lived to the ripe age of “46?” (thank you, notes), scraping by with 100,027 LTH points. Yussss.

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You don’t just get rid of a frisbee that has the power to kill two people. So I accorded it a place of respect in the mausoleum.

Frisbee: COME AT ME BRO

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Omen stood at the scene of the crime much longer than necessary, staring blissfully at the sky.

Omen: Uncle Buzz, did you get your special powers? Guru Molark says death is but the next tier of existence!

Someone get me a copy of that cult’s handbook.

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Frieda: Boo. Buzz is gone. I guess this means I’m having another baby.

Damn straight it does! 😀

And in other good news…

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Making beds is a piece of cake for ghosts! As the proud owner of a twin bed shoved in a corner (fitted sheets are murder), I sincerely wish I could float through the middle of my mattress.

Frieda: You’re right, my life is fantastic.

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Maybe we ought to think twice about adding more kids. As it stands, Gumby is better friends with his horses than any of his offspring.

Gumby: Should I sit there? Do you think he’ll let me?

Omen: I can hear you, you know.

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Omen: O Guru Xavyn, please grant my father the strength to not be such an insufferable lackwit.

Gumby: Huh?

Omen: Praise be unto thee, Lord Molark.

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Omen: You know, maybe what we need is a father-son activity. We should throw a ball around. Drink some beer.

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Omen: Haha, false alarm! For a second there I forgot I don’t like you.

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Gumby: Fine.

Omen: Oh, boo-hoo. Are you gonna go cry in a hay bale?

Gumby: N-no.

Mandrake: He’s gonna go cry in a hay bale.

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In fact, he wasn’t. He had much nicer things planned.

Gumby: So Buzz is dead. You know what that means…

Frieda: Ugh, do we have to?

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Gumby: Remember you get all my money when I die.

Frieda: I guess that’s a small consolation.

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One highly unsanitary Woohoo later…

Gumby: Thanks for dying, Buzz!

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With Mom and Dad frolicking in the Bacteria Box™, it’s lucky Omen is such a great big brother.

Omen: It’s okay Cal, you look like him now but we’ll breed the Dad out of you yet.

Calamity: Patwicide?

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A great brother to some, I should say.

Fiasco: I can has playtime?

Peanut: I’ll play with you. ❤

Fiasco: ………I CAN HAS PLAYTIME??

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Apparently not. The events of this chapter are so disjointed they’re giving me jetlag.

Mandrake: How’d I get here?

Receptionist: Welcome to the Fool’s Goldmine! You look like a prime fool. Would I be correct in assuming you are a fool, sir?

Mandrake: Customer Service 10/10.

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The resort should be getting points for entertainment, too.

Mandrake: Look, I can hold two swords in ONE HAND!

Funny, I don’t even trust you to do that.

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Mandrake: Aww come on guys, I don’t need an audience!

Audience: Aren’t you a street performer?

Mandrake: NO I’M JUST REALLY EXPRESSIVE, GOSH.

(Note ToadLivy who still hasn’t showered from what is it, three chapters ago? You go, girl.)

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Gumby: You see son, life is a beautiful work of art and we must respect it. We mustn’t stomp all over Mother Nature’s canvas.

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Gumby: Giddy up, canvas!

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Storm: Nice try, Michelangelo.

Gumby: Dangit…

Storm hasn’t quite warmed up to her “master” yet. He probably doesn’t need a third steed for his races, but if Pokey and Axorn are both in the red (which is all the time) it won’t hurt to have another one in rotation.

(That and they’re kinda matchy, and as you know, matchiness is my priority in life.)

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On that note, Frieda pulled this little Mini Me out of the Claaaaaw.

Ghost: I’m terrifying.

I was excited for about three seconds before I remembered that gnomes are totally useless.

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As are INVISIBLE FALCONS.

Omen: He’s not invisible, he’s just communing with the spirit world.

That’s what they all say.

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Omen: I wish you would “commune with the spirit world” too.

Fiasco: But I like this world.

Omen: *sigh*

Some older siblings try to conceal their favouritism. Omen flat-out likes Calamity better.

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And what’s the matter with you?

Frieda: My life sucks. I just wanted gold and now I’m stuck with three whiny whelps, soon to be four.

Well, Frieda, what can I say…

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…the pursuit of gold doesn’t always work out well for people.

Buzz: Ah, my old haunt.

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Buzz: It reeks of desperation and tears.

Yeah, I don’t think we’ll ever get the smell out of the computer chair, sorry.

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Buzz: Oh hi, folks. Mind if I join this little ghost club?

Weston: Actually, we’re just—

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Katana: First rule of Ghost Fight Club, kid. You don’t talk about Ghost Fight club. *gut punch*

Buzz: Aw, neat! *rib jab*

Weston: I can’t watch this…

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Hey, I guess he wasn’t lying after all.

Omen: How was the spirit realm, Doomsday?

Doomsday: The spirit realm? Nah man, I was just glitched.

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Do you see this?

*pats self on back*

*high-fives self*

*throws a party in own honour*

*performs own knighting ceremony*

Let me tell you, getting three horses in stalls is a lot harder than it sounds.

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Frieda, you’re pregnant!

Frieda: No. No to everything.

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We could use a little positivity in the air, so it’s off to the Spring Festival with Manly Manny! (How many nicknames does this loser need?)

Kisser: Sweet gig I got here, right? Girls are gonna be lining up any minute.

Manny: One kiss, please.

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Kisser: Come on, man. You’re kidding, right?

Manny: Uh, nope. I give you $5 and you kiss me. That’s how it works, right?

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Kisser: *nervous laugh* Did I say $5? It’s actually $500.

Manny: Sure, no problem. Here you go.

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Kisser *muttering*: Damn legacy families…

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Kisser 2: Did you say legacy? Over here, legacy boy! I’m open too, and I’m twice as good as him!

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Manny: Oh. I guess I’ll have to pay you double.

Duped all over the place.

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Except then…

Mandrake: We’re walking in the air

Kisser 1: Hey dickweed, you trying to steal my business? Go set up shop somewhere else.

Mandrake: We’re floating in a moonlit sky…

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Moonlit Sky. Why am I so good at segues, guys?

Sky: Why am I so BAD at building Charisma? Like really, is this bar frozen or something?

My poor little incompetent genius.

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Skydancer: What do you say, Mirror? Am I the fairest of them all?

Mirror: *still not speaking to her after the events of last chapter*

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That’s right, guys. Have your conversation in the middle of the street.

Axorn: MASTER IS PLEASED WITH MY RACING SKILLS.

Pokey: Is he now? That’s funny, since I’ve won more trophies.

Driver: You won’t be winning trophies anymore, horse! *cackle*

I have got to start locking them up at night.

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Frieda: You say you’re Gumby’s favourite, eh? Hmm… Come along then…

Pokey: Hey lady, don’t make me the butt of your revenge plan. Whatever beef you have with the clayboy you can take up with him.

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Look who’s eager to (literally) fill the seat of Daddy Dearest. >:)

Omen: Shut up, Aunt Sky’s computer was taken.

And Uncle Buzz’s?

Omen: Yes.

And the third laptop?

Omen: SHUT UP I’M CHATTING WITH TARIQ.

*rolls eyes* Aren’t we all…

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Believe it or not, Manny is still chipping away at that Master Acrobat thing. It’s just that his chips are like, microscopic and often nonexistent. But this time he took a giant leap for Mannykind (I am so sorry) and went to audition at a swanky coffeehouse that I should know the name of but don’t.

Proprietor: Show me what you’ve got.

Mandrake: Oh, I’m not here for an audition.

Proprietor: You’re… not?

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Mandrake: The sparkles! They blind me!

(Sparkly kid is Lev’s son Dominique. He’s a looker – and a Langurd, no doubt.)

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Mandrake: I pledge my allegiance to the… the…

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Mandrake: Duhhh, raise the roof!

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Proprietor: You, sir, are disgustingly brilliant.

And a moment of silence for the modern entertainment industry…

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Frieda: Say, Storm… How would you like to come on a little adventure?

Storm: I don’t trust you, electric ghost lady.

She doesn’t exactly have a soothing presence.

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Omen: I’m going to prom. *tries to smile*

Nice try, dork. You won’t be winning any crowns with that pageant grin.

Omen: *casually gets Prom King*

Me: *throws game out window*

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Gumby’s still got an LTW to earn, too. Based on that flawless form, I’d say they’re not far off.

Pokey: Next time, you try galloping down a hill with an alien on your back.

Nah, I’m good.

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Where there’s a Lev there’s a Jeff, and Mandrake ran into good old Dr. Langurd in the men’s washroom at the Swanky Coffeehouse™.

Mandrake: Sometimes I feel like I’m just not manly enough. I wanna be big and macho like my cousin Gumby, but I like wearing spandex with fake nature stuff on it. Is that wrong, Jeff?

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Jeff: *unfurls his glorious wings* Just be yourself, kid.

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Despite their rough start, it looks like Storm took a shining to Frieda.

Frieda: A blessing for me?

Storm: No, it’s for the baby. Lord knows children need all the luck they can get around here.

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That they do, and getting up on their own two feet is always a good start.

Frieda: Make a wish, little… what’s your name again?

Gumby: Hell if I know.

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Calamity: Jk, I don’t need my two feet. I can fly!

So ghost kids are kinda cool. This one added Couch Potato to her Insane and Brave traits.

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Frieda: So, Calamity, maybe you’ll get a job in science one day just like your mother?

Calamity: You have an interest in my future?!

Gumby: You have a job?!

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Omg what a dutiful daughter etc. etc.

Yes, I only took this picture to show off that socks-and-gladiators combo. Killin’ it, right?

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I don’t know whose house that is.

Manny: I don’t know what life is.

Same.

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Oh, but life certainly goes on. (And it’s only gonna make me strong, la la la…)

Frieda: Stop singing! This is a time of suffering and ruin!

Fiasco: Baby brother?

Frieda: Absolutely not. This one will be a girl or there’ll be hell to pay. Men are useless.

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Frieda: I rest my case.

Omen: What? I don’t have my licence yet.

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Yes, things are quite a shambles under Gumby’s command.

Tewl: Bless yew, boy! You dun screwed up da legacy again!

__________________________________________________________________________________

And scene.

Thank you so much to everyone who voted in the Golden Plumbob Awards! In case you hadn’t heard, the Langurds took out the title of Funniest Sims 3 Story! Check out this page I added to the menu.

On the topic of Boolprop – anyone who’s not a member over there, what are you doing?? Jk, but it’s a really fun place to be, so if the idea of chatting/plotting/being weird with other simmers appeals to you, I would seriously recommend it. My only complaint is that the TS3 population is a little scarce, but we could change that – lead an invasion, even. Up to you. I’m usually there these days, spamming the games section instead of doing my job, so you know where to find me.

Next item is Sim Salad Episode 4, and then back to the Langurds. 😀

Happy Simming!

-Sam

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About gryffindork7

I like cats. This is a really thorough bio.

Posted on February 4, 2016, in Generashun 5 and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 15 Comments.

  1. Woo! Congratulations on your award! ^_^

    Farewell Buzz! Also, >.> that memorial is so effing appropriate for Buzz and Lira. *makes note to avoid Philosopher’s stone at all costs*

    I love Omen! He may be a Gumby clone, but I adore his personality. XD Speaking of adorable, Calamity is a cutey! Is she a ghost? Or does she just do the ghost float? Can’t wait to see if this new baby inherits any of Frieda’s coloring!

    Like

    • Thank you! 🙂

      Yeah, the Stone’s odds are a little high for my liking… Lira died on the third attempt I think, and Buzz obviously on the first. I don’t think I would even try transmuting stuff unless I could afford to lose my sim. 😛

      Calamity is indeed a ghost! I just deghostified her (and Fiasco) the way I did Frieda. 🙂 I love Omen too, and he’s not as cloney as Calamity, which is a plus. New baby has serious potential though…

      Liked by 2 people

  2. YOU DIDN’T SHOW US THE BABY YOU BITCH.

    How could you do that??

    *breathes*

    Buzz’s exit was just perfect.

    Calamity is a Brave Couch Potato, so she can bravely sit in front of the TV to watch midnight zombie movies?

    Congrats on the win. You are a master (mistress?) of Sim laughs. I’d’ve voted for you if I even noticed there was a vote.

    I used to be on Boolprop all the time, but the Sims 3 community got really thin on the ground after Sims 4 came out. Do you have any good forum threads or other stuff to recommend? Or should I just go there again and find out if activity picked up?

    Like

    • Hehe, sorry. 😛 I don’t think I even intended the cliffhanger, I just thought “well, that’s enough screenshots” when I was separating them into folders. In any case I seem to be on a productive streak (touch wood) so you shouldn’t have to wait too long.

      I don’t even know what to make of Calamity’s personality. Insane and Brave already sounded dangerous, and adding Couch Potato just makes me think of someone who goes out and does crazy, life-threatening shit and then comes home and naps a lot. I’m sure she’ll find her stride.

      Haha, well thank you! That’s quite the title, and I’m honoured to receive it. (I’ve always wished there were a female equivalent of “master” that didn’t have such questionable connotations.)

      Admittedly it’s still a work in progress, which is why I’m selfishly trying to drag people back there to repopulate. 😛 I’ve mostly been playing silly forum games and waiting for actual content to come up. There have been some fun events though, and I’ll probably get back into posting real stuff when I’m out of the writing stage and actually playing my game again.

      Like

      • I’ll try to go back there and find where you are. It doesn’t take very many interested participants to revive a forum.

        Like

      • Actually, Boolprop doesn’t seem to need a lot of help from me. It seems a lot more active than when I drifted away.

        It may never have been as dead as I remember. I’m pretty sure it didn’t list the threads with the most recent activity at the top before. That’s a huge help.

        Like

      • It’s strange, even in the last couple of days it seems to have picked up! It definitely was VERY dead for a while, but I can’t remember how long ago that was. The admins seem to be making a lot of effort to revive some of the activity, which is great. 🙂

        Like

  3. Buzz’s career as an author really is…not impressive >.> My author had royalties in the thousands for her books.
    Buzz…Buzz…How would becoming gold kill you? You’re a robot!
    Calamity is kind of scary really, black squinty eyes, floating “like a couch potato” even.
    Tewl is crying? Tewl cares about stuff?

    I’ll have to try to not be inactive on Boolprop, got my own leagcy to advertise and crazy people to be crazy with.

    Like

  4. Watch out with that ghost gnome- it summons random ghosts to your lot.

    I’m loving Omen and his cult following personality even more. I may have use for him once he’s up for download. >:D

    Poor Buzz, at least he can be with with beloved now. Rest in uh….gold. I guess. XD

    Loved the chapter, can’t wait to see the new baby! *crosses fingers for diverse genetics*

    Like

    • I knew as soon as I wrote “gnomes are totally useless” that something was going to come up to prove me wrong! And we have had a lot of random ghost visits, so this makes sense. Thank you. 😛

      Omen is YA in-game now so I’ll upload him as soon as he catches up in-blog! I’m growing quite fond of him too.

      R.I.G., Buzz. R.I.G. XD

      Thanks so much! I’m excited for the next few chapters, just have to get off my butt and write them…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. One day I will remember to comment straight away… I normally wake up in the morning and check my emails on my phone, and I hate commenting on anything with my phone as autocorrect is a cow when talking about anything Sim related!

    Buzz’s death was perfect, but I did NOT imagine him looking like that! Like, at all.

    I keep forgetting how pretty Frieda is, and it surprises me that I’m surprised about it every time… When will the children give us Frieda genes!? There’s two left, right? (I saw your family tree 😛 ) Omen is such a dork though, it’s great!

    Okay, simself, as much as I admire your ‘let’s not put effort into anything’ theory, nobody likes the smell of Fried Toad so please take a shower! XD

    *pumps fist* New chapter! New chapter! 😛

    Like

    • Haha, that’s alright, it’s not like I sit here constantly monitoring who has liked/commented on my chapters. *shifty eyes* Autocorrect is a loser in all walks of life. The only reason I keep it on is for entertainment.

      I know! He doesn’t match the way I wrote him at all. As soon as I peeked in CAS I was like “NO NO TAKE IT BACK!”… but now it cannot be unseen. :/

      Shhhh! 😛 Yes, that is correct. I always jump the gun updating the tree, (stupidly) assuming people don’t care enough to read the other stuff on this website. Oops. All I can say is that the remaining kids are just as awesome as the existing ones, and this may be the toughest heir poll yet.

      I suppose I could force her to be presentable again, but I’m really getting a kick out of her antics. XD

      *downs caffeine* I’m getting there, I’m getting there! 😛

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Woo legacy catch-up outside on my patio with cider~

    I had to explain to my boyfriend why a robot dying after trying to transmutate a frisbee was so funny. It didn’t go well, but I think our relationship will survive. 😛 Bless you, Frisbee of Death. I also think that Buzz and Griselda would be great friends, as they both have a fondness for writing smut. Also, if 50 Shades of Grey, or even Twilight, can be published, then Buzz can be published.

    I also didn’t know that Frieda had a job. I do really like her as a spouse. Sure, she wants Gumby to die, but he has to be trampled to death by one of horses/unicorns soon enough. I hope she gets the second daughter she so desperately wants (and which she will undoubtedly ignore).

    Aww, so good to see Tewl again, even if he is lamenting everything Gumby has ever done. 😛

    Great chapter! Going to see how much I can catch up with tonight, too!

    Like

    • Ah, that sounds like heaven. Come to think of it, I was on my patio around this time last week – but doing my taxes, so… 😛

      I sure hope it survives! Did you tell him how romantic and poetic it was (a.k.a. not at all)? I think I’m at the point where I’m about to read Griselda’s birth, so now I can’t wait. Maybe they’ll meet in an alternate save. (Also I completely agree that the contemporary publishing industry is a breeding ground for artless smut the same way a festering wound is a breeding ground for maggots.)

      I also forgot, thanks to the beauty of maternity leave. Her LTW makes for an interesting story dynamic, that’s for sure and all I really care about. I think you’ve read far enough now to know that she does get that second daughter, but not without a fight… of sorts. 😉

      Like

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