5.9 Well-Preserved Ruins
Posted by gryffindork7
Let us begin this chapter with the Greatest Tragedy of Them All™.
I’m talking about the fact that the game thinks he has children. And family. And friends.
I’m sorry, I bet you’re all crying now. Things can only go up from here, right?
Buzz (writing): A gentle snow falls like bullets on my metal joints. I see her up in the distance, walking away from me. Then I realize it is just my shattered heart playing tricks on my weary mind.
Buzz: *fulfills LTW*
…Seriously? With that bullshit? A moment of silence for the modern publishing industry, please.
Buzz is now a Professional Author. He accomplished it in the most half-assed way possible, by churning out trashpile after trashpile until quantity won out over quality.
However – his final novel, Pink Diamond Dust, was a hit with the subway riders who hide their trashy novels behind The Financial Times.
Pink Diamond Dust, eh?
Buzz: I have no idea where I got the idea from.
Frieda: So… why exactly can’t I have my lifetime wish, again?
Because yours involves my heir dying. And you still haven’t passed down your genetics, you stingy little—
Oops, there are children watching. If you recall, Fiasco is the third of the green-and-black disappointments, born last chapter on Snowflake Day. He’s much too happy for this place. I was this close to deleting his IF, but it was pre-named Peanut, just like my cat was before I adopted him. Sentimental? NEVER.
Okay, maybe a little. LEFFJEFF! ❤ Why haven’t I seen your children yet??
Lev: Children? We’re a little busy ruling the Fae.
Jeff: Yes. Ruling. That’s what we’ve been doing.
They’re liars—they have three now. With the way they’re always looking at each other, it’s a wonder they don’t have 20.
Not all spares are so lucky in love.
Skydancer: Yes, poor Mandrake got landed with an ass of a boyfriend who takes three people to woo him.
Sky, I’m not talking about Mandrake.
Sky: Who then?
Storm. I am clearly talking about Storm.
Coincidentally, the lovely filly had her birthday outside in a snowstorm.
Storm: Coincidence? I made this storm, bitches!
And that was how Storm became the Bearded Lady.
Storm: Daddy, I got my wish! I look just like you!
Some reviews came in for the resort, and by far the most popular comment was along the lines of: “Where the fuck is the swimming pool???”
YOU ARE ON A BEACH, YOU TWATS.
But the customer is always right, so I obliged and built this little chunk of poop. I mean paradise. This chunk of paradise. Now they can shut their blowholes.
Buzz: Well, sweetums, I did it. Your Buzz is finally a bigshot writer.
Buzz: I know you would be proud of me if you were still here.
Buzz: What am I supposed to do now?
Buzz: I mean, I always thought we’d retire to the countryside and feed each other strawberries. But I never accounted for you getting murdered by a frisbee.
Buzz: Wait! That’s it! I know just what I have to do…
Buzz: I must avenge the death of my beloved!
Frisbee: Bite me.
Buzz: To infinity and beyond!
Buzz: Lira… Why can’t I ever be… good enough?
“A gentle snow falls like bullets on my metal joints. I see her up in the distance, walking away from me.” </3
(Buzz Lightyear Langurd 2k16)
GumbyGrim: Stepdad? What are you doing on the— ohhhhh.
GumbyGrim: YOU FUCKED UP!
Buzz: Could this be more humiliating?
Omen: Oh no, Uncle Buzz! Vader have mercy on his soul…
GumbyGrim: Omen, I am your father.
Omen: IT’S NOT TRUE!!!
GumbyGrim: *runs away for costume change*
So yes, Buzz and Lira both died trying to transmute the same frisbee (Buzz on the first try, no less) and now we have this super tragic monument up in the East Tower.
Looks an awful lot like his proposal attempts, am I right? XD
In case you ever wondered what Buzz looked like under the metal exterior, here’s our spaceman all suited up. Yikes. They’s some funky eyebrows, but let’s just say Sky is lucky she isn’t more of a Face One…
…and that she got her mother’s figure.
I went to put his urn under his portrait, then realized I dun goofed and never painted him one. I’ll probably go back and do it in an old save, but I’m a good little simmer, so I won’t give myself the point.
Buzz Lightyear Langurd was an unforgettable addition to the family. Brought to life from Ara’s sacred pink diamond, he fell with style for his creator and never looked back. He fathered the first decent Langurd in… ever… and stuck patiently by his lady through verbal abuse, fairyhood, werewolfism, old age, and mummification. He may be gone, all gone, but his twelve novels will withstand
the ages the next few months, probably. Buzz lived to the ripe age of “46?” (thank you, notes), scraping by with 100,027 LTH points. Yussss.
You don’t just get rid of a frisbee that has the power to kill two people. So I accorded it a place of respect in the mausoleum.
Frisbee: COME AT ME BRO
Omen stood at the scene of the crime much longer than necessary, staring blissfully at the sky.
Omen: Uncle Buzz, did you get your special powers? Guru Molark says death is but the next tier of existence!
Someone get me a copy of that cult’s handbook.
Frieda: Boo. Buzz is gone. I guess this means I’m having another baby.
Damn straight it does! 😀
And in other good news…
Making beds is a piece of cake for ghosts! As the proud owner of a twin bed shoved in a corner (fitted sheets are murder), I sincerely wish I could float through the middle of my mattress.
Frieda: You’re right, my life is fantastic.
Maybe we ought to think twice about adding more kids. As it stands, Gumby is better friends with his horses than any of his offspring.
Gumby: Should I sit there? Do you think he’ll let me?
Omen: I can hear you, you know.
Omen: O Guru Xavyn, please grant my father the strength to not be such an insufferable lackwit.
Omen: Praise be unto thee, Lord Molark.
Omen: You know, maybe what we need is a father-son activity. We should throw a ball around. Drink some beer.
Omen: Haha, false alarm! For a second there I forgot I don’t like you.
Omen: Oh, boo-hoo. Are you gonna go cry in a hay bale?
Mandrake: He’s gonna go cry in a hay bale.
In fact, he wasn’t. He had much nicer things planned.
Gumby: So Buzz is dead. You know what that means…
Frieda: Ugh, do we have to?
Gumby: Remember you get all my money when I die.
Frieda: I guess that’s a small consolation.
One highly unsanitary Woohoo later…
Gumby: Thanks for dying, Buzz!
With Mom and Dad frolicking in the Bacteria Box™, it’s lucky Omen is such a great big brother.
Omen: It’s okay Cal, you look like him now but we’ll breed the Dad out of you yet.
A great brother to some, I should say.
Fiasco: I can has playtime?
Peanut: I’ll play with you. ❤
Fiasco: ………I CAN HAS PLAYTIME??
Apparently not. The events of this chapter are so disjointed they’re giving me jetlag.
Mandrake: How’d I get here?
Receptionist: Welcome to the Fool’s Goldmine! You look like a prime fool. Would I be correct in assuming you are a fool, sir?
Mandrake: Customer Service 10/10.
The resort should be getting points for entertainment, too.
Mandrake: Look, I can hold two swords in ONE HAND!
Funny, I don’t even trust you to do that.
Mandrake: Aww come on guys, I don’t need an audience!
Audience: Aren’t you a street performer?
Mandrake: NO I’M JUST REALLY EXPRESSIVE, GOSH.
(Note ToadLivy who still hasn’t showered from what is it, three chapters ago? You go, girl.)
Gumby: You see son, life is a beautiful work of art and we must respect it. We mustn’t stomp all over Mother Nature’s canvas.
Gumby: Giddy up, canvas!
Storm: Nice try, Michelangelo.
Storm hasn’t quite warmed up to her “master” yet. He probably doesn’t need a third steed for his races, but if Pokey and Axorn are both in the red (which is all the time) it won’t hurt to have another one in rotation.
(That and they’re kinda matchy, and as you know, matchiness is my priority in life.)
On that note, Frieda pulled this little Mini Me out of the Claaaaaw.
Ghost: I’m terrifying.
I was excited for about three seconds before I remembered that gnomes are totally useless.
As are INVISIBLE FALCONS.
Omen: He’s not invisible, he’s just communing with the spirit world.
That’s what they all say.
Omen: I wish you would “commune with the spirit world” too.
Fiasco: But I like this world.
Some older siblings try to conceal their favouritism. Omen flat-out likes Calamity better.
And what’s the matter with you?
Frieda: My life sucks. I just wanted gold and now I’m stuck with three whiny whelps, soon to be four.
Well, Frieda, what can I say…
…the pursuit of gold doesn’t always work out well for people.
Buzz: Ah, my old haunt.
Buzz: It reeks of desperation and tears.
Yeah, I don’t think we’ll ever get the smell out of the computer chair, sorry.
Buzz: Oh hi, folks. Mind if I join this little ghost club?
Weston: Actually, we’re just—
Katana: First rule of Ghost Fight Club, kid. You don’t talk about Ghost Fight club. *gut punch*
Buzz: Aw, neat! *rib jab*
Weston: I can’t watch this…
Hey, I guess he wasn’t lying after all.
Omen: How was the spirit realm, Doomsday?
Doomsday: The spirit realm? Nah man, I was just glitched.
Do you see this?
*pats self on back*
*throws a party in own honour*
*performs own knighting ceremony*
Let me tell you, getting three horses in stalls is a lot harder than it sounds.
Frieda, you’re pregnant!
Frieda: No. No to everything.
We could use a little positivity in the air, so it’s off to the Spring Festival with Manly Manny! (How many nicknames does this loser need?)
Kisser: Sweet gig I got here, right? Girls are gonna be lining up any minute.
Manny: One kiss, please.
Kisser: Come on, man. You’re kidding, right?
Manny: Uh, nope. I give you $5 and you kiss me. That’s how it works, right?
Kisser: *nervous laugh* Did I say $5? It’s actually $500.
Manny: Sure, no problem. Here you go.
Kisser *muttering*: Damn legacy families…
Kisser 2: Did you say legacy? Over here, legacy boy! I’m open too, and I’m twice as good as him!
Manny: Oh. I guess I’ll have to pay you double.
Duped all over the place.
Mandrake: We’re walking in the air…
Kisser 1: Hey dickweed, you trying to steal my business? Go set up shop somewhere else.
Mandrake: We’re floating in a moonlit sky…
Moonlit Sky. Why am I so good at segues, guys?
Sky: Why am I so BAD at building Charisma? Like really, is this bar frozen or something?
My poor little incompetent genius.
Skydancer: What do you say, Mirror? Am I the fairest of them all?
Mirror: *still not speaking to her after the events of last chapter*
That’s right, guys. Have your conversation in the middle of the street.
Axorn: MASTER IS PLEASED WITH MY RACING SKILLS.
Pokey: Is he now? That’s funny, since I’ve won more trophies.
Driver: You won’t be winning trophies anymore, horse! *cackle*
I have got to start locking them up at night.
Frieda: You say you’re Gumby’s favourite, eh? Hmm… Come along then…
Pokey: Hey lady, don’t make me the butt of your revenge plan. Whatever beef you have with the clayboy you can take up with him.
Look who’s eager to (literally) fill the seat of Daddy Dearest. >:)
Omen: Shut up, Aunt Sky’s computer was taken.
And Uncle Buzz’s?
And the third laptop?
Omen: SHUT UP I’M CHATTING WITH TARIQ.
*rolls eyes* Aren’t we all…
Believe it or not, Manny is still chipping away at that Master Acrobat thing. It’s just that his chips are like, microscopic and often nonexistent. But this time he took a giant leap
for Mannykind (I am so sorry) and went to audition at a swanky coffeehouse that I should know the name of but don’t.
Proprietor: Show me what you’ve got.
Mandrake: Oh, I’m not here for an audition.
Proprietor: You’re… not?
Mandrake: The sparkles! They blind me!
(Sparkly kid is Lev’s son Dominique. He’s a looker – and a Langurd, no doubt.)
Mandrake: I pledge my allegiance to the… the…
Mandrake: Duhhh, raise the roof!
Proprietor: You, sir, are disgustingly brilliant.
And a moment of silence for the modern entertainment industry…
Frieda: Say, Storm… How would you like to come on a little adventure?
Storm: I don’t trust you, electric ghost lady.
She doesn’t exactly have a soothing presence.
Omen: I’m going to prom. *tries to smile*
Nice try, dork. You won’t be winning any crowns with that pageant grin.
Omen: *casually gets Prom King*
Me: *throws game out window*
Gumby’s still got an LTW to earn, too. Based on that flawless form, I’d say they’re not far off.
Pokey: Next time, you try galloping down a hill with an alien on your back.
Nah, I’m good.
Where there’s a Lev there’s a Jeff, and Mandrake ran into good old Dr. Langurd in the men’s washroom at the Swanky Coffeehouse™.
Mandrake: Sometimes I feel like I’m just not manly enough. I wanna be big and macho like my cousin Gumby, but I like wearing spandex with fake nature stuff on it. Is that wrong, Jeff?
Jeff: *unfurls his glorious wings* Just be yourself, kid.
Despite their rough start, it looks like Storm took a shining to Frieda.
Frieda: A blessing for me?
Storm: No, it’s for the baby. Lord knows children need all the luck they can get around here.
That they do, and getting up on their own two feet is always a good start.
Frieda: Make a wish, little… what’s your name again?
Gumby: Hell if I know.
Calamity: Jk, I don’t need my two feet. I can fly!
So ghost kids are kinda cool. This one added Couch Potato to her Insane and Brave traits.
Frieda: So, Calamity, maybe you’ll get a job in science one day just like your mother?
Calamity: You have an interest in my future?!
Gumby: You have a job?!
Omg what a dutiful daughter etc. etc.
Yes, I only took this picture to show off that socks-and-gladiators combo. Killin’ it, right?
I don’t know whose house that is.
Manny: I don’t know what life is.
Oh, but life certainly goes on. (And it’s only gonna make me strong, la la la…)
Frieda: Stop singing! This is a time of suffering and ruin!
Fiasco: Baby brother?
Frieda: Absolutely not. This one will be a girl or there’ll be hell to pay. Men are useless.
Frieda: I rest my case.
Omen: What? I don’t have my licence yet.
Yes, things are quite a shambles under Gumby’s command.
Tewl: Bless yew, boy! You dun screwed up da legacy again!
Thank you so much to everyone who voted in the Golden Plumbob Awards! In case you hadn’t heard, the Langurds took out the title of Funniest Sims 3 Story! Check out this page I added to the menu.
On the topic of Boolprop – anyone who’s not a member over there, what are you doing?? Jk, but it’s a really fun place to be, so if the idea of chatting/plotting/being weird with other simmers appeals to you, I would seriously recommend it. My only complaint is that the TS3 population is a little scarce, but we could change that – lead an invasion, even. Up to you. I’m usually there these days, spamming the games section
instead of doing my job, so you know where to find me.
Next item is Sim Salad Episode 4, and then back to the Langurds. 😀
About gryffindork7I like cats. This is a really thorough bio.
Posted on February 4, 2016, in Generashun 5 and tagged audition, axorn, birthday, buzz lightyear, calamity, chat with tariq, death, dominique, doomsday, fiasco, florin, frieda, frisbee of doom, ghost katana, ghost tewl, ghost weston, gumby, illustrious author, jeff, kissing booth, lettuce loins, lev, ltw complete, mandrake, mime, omen, pet birthday, pink diamond dust, pokey, pregnancy, prom, sim livy, skydancer, spring festival, storm, the fool's goldmine, toad, unicorn's blessing. Bookmark the permalink. 15 Comments.