The Great Langurd Olympics (a.k.a. Not a Birthday)

This post is not really happening because I refuse to acknowledge that a year has passed since the last birthday celebrations, and because there’s no way I’ve been doing this legacy thing for four years. Absolutely not a chance. Ergo, this is not a birthday.

EDIT: It is also not a birthday because I’m now uploading this a day late. All the more evidence that it never happened!

In honour of this not-birthday, and of another awesome milestone…

100 followers-red

…I would love to split my heart into 100 pieces and distribute them to all of you, but damn, can you imagine the shipping on that? Instead, this super-special post will have to do.

But Gryffindork, how can you possibly top the masterpiece that was last year’s birthday special?


Really Sam, once was enough. Please don’t make us sit through another two-part shitshow.

Well, fortunately, I don’t have the energy for that—I’m not the sprightly go-getter I once was. Just a oneshot this year, but I can’t make any promises about it not being a shitshow. And now, with all my disclaimers disclaimed…


Welcome to


Because yes—life is a competition to me, and nothing lights my fire quite like pitting people against each other and watching them duke it out. (Case in point: that other blog I write…)

Last night, I was reading about a jousting tournament in A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms when I was struck with sudden inspiration. Why not hold a name day tourney for the blog, inviting all past and present Lords of Langurd to enter the lists and make a claim for the title of Ultimate Langurd?

Or, if my brain worked in Modern English: hey, let’s make all the heirs do stuff and see who is the best at doing stuff!!


I thought it would be fitting to begin this bloodbath of “doing stuff” in the Langurds’ birthplace: 15 Summerhill Court, freshly bulldozed but still smelling faintly of horse manure. The whole gang’s here and ready to— wait.


That’s better. ❤ I made them all siblings in CAS to avoid awkward incestual heartfarting, because we know that shit would’ve happened. For the sake of fairness, I also wiped their skills and removed Lira’s and Gumby’s university traits (not that Absent-Mindedness and Cowardice would have helped them much here).


Speaking of Gumbykins, turns out he and Cal have these dark brown eyes underneath the black alien ones (which don’t like to show up on bin sims, it seems). Who’da thunk? Maybe we’ll see them in Gen Seven…

But for now, back on track! We’ll start nice and simple:


Stage One – The Foot Race



Er, foot-and-swim race? Almost-a-triathlon-but-bikes-would-fuck-it-up-so-no-bikes race?

There’s got to be a name for this, I swear.


And they’re off!


The initial leaders are… not surprising.

Tewl: Slow ‘n’ steady wins da race, yo.

Really though! Calamity’s a ghost and she’s going faster than you!


Gumby: Wait. Did you say………… ghost?

Oh crap.


Gumby: Um, I think I’ll just hang out back here.

Calamity: Suit yourself, Pop.

He never did need the trait to be a Coward.


Meanwhile, Katana’s got a solid toe-length lead in the race for eternal glory.

Everyone: You mean the race for the pool. The glorious pool.


Until Razor somehow pulls ahead? What sorcery??

Razor: You’ve forgotten how awesome I am, haven’t you?



Lira: Wait up, friends!

Katana: Yes, because that’s the point of a race.

Razor and Katana are the first in the water. Tewl just dropped like the sack of bricks he is; he’ll be up in a sec.


I thought about making Cally human for this post, but it would have felt wrong so I let her be hindered by her lazy floating. Good on her for still trying I guess?


And for trying to swim in a flannel jacket and jeans…

Lira: Hold on, there’s a new insane heiress in town? This town ain’t big enough for the both of us!


She then walks on water just so she can do the “A ghost!” thing (and consequently forfeits the race).

The lengths people will go to to hate on Calamity are incredible.


Razor still has the lead, those Iggy Pop arms propelling him swiftly to the finish line. Katana will be hard pressed to close that gap.




Wait, what the fuck?

Tewl: Take that, bitchezzzzz.

Razor: Did that just happen?


Katana: Hey Wildcat, get your head in the game before you get beat by a ghost.

Razor: A ghost? Where?!


Calamity: Hey cool, a fuzzy carpet!


Well, I guess that makes these three our first-stage champions?

Katana: What a fucking masterpiece.

Razor: I’m going to go drown myself now.

1st Place: Tewl
2nd Place: Katana
3rd Place: Calamity
Forfeit: Razor
Forfeit: Lira
Forfeit: Gumby


Stage Two – Bowling



Another totally generic Anybody’s Game! Who will be that “anybody” this time?

Razor: Here’s my shot at redemption. *mentally singing Lose Yourself*


And it’s Mom’s spaghetti all over the place.

Tewl: Check dis swag doe


But actually…

Razor: Did I just bowl a strike? What is logic anymore?

Who cares? The jocks heard all about it and they love you.


Apparently everyone’s catching onto the cool new Slip ‘n’ Slide bowling method.

Gumby: Did it work?

I genuinely think you’ll cry if I say “no,” so…


Katana: Meh, good enough.

Wanna get out of the lane?

Katana: Nah.


Lira: Yes, pins… good pins… that’s it. Well done!

And this is why we can’t do fun things in public.

1st Place: Razor (48 points)
2nd Place: Lira (31 points)
3rd Place: Gumby (25 points)
4th Place: Katana (24 points)
5th Place: Tewl (19 points)
6th Place: Calamity (15 points)


Stage Three – Novel-in-a-Day



Next up, writing! Rules state this bunch of sun-fried nitwits must stay glued to their chairs until they each churn out a work of fiction.


Interestingly, Katana takes like, half an hour longer than everyone else to finish hers.

Lira: Are you done yet? How about now? How about now?

Katana: *writes* …and the idiot daughter fell down a well, never to be seen again. The end.

Let’s see how their (clearly not self-inspired) novels clock in:


After all those years married to Ara, I would expect no less of our boy.

1st Place: Razor, The Lost Unicorn ($69)
2nd Place: Calamity, That One Fire I Put Out Once ($44)
3rd Place: Katana, Fifty Shades of Nope & Gumby, Dumby & Smokey: A Tale of Interspecies Love (Not Bestiality) ($39)
5th Place: Lira, Darjeeling Blues ($35)
6th Place: Tewl, Da Legend of Skrewdriver ($12)


Stage Four (Bonus) – Best in a Crisis



Tewl: What da fuck is dis s’posed to be? All I see is couches an’ lamps.

This is a special stage, Tewl. You’ll have to figure out your surroundings and act as instinct tells you.

Tewl: Instinct tells me I’m da bomb.

So maybe ignore it then.


Katana: Don’t think I don’t know what you’re planning. Don’t think I don’t see the fire.

Relax, I could never be that cruel! Except on a properly sanctioned blog where it’s all in the name of entertainment


Figures—I had them take turns making tofu dogs on zero cooking, and after seven failed attempts (and by that I mean stupidly successful ones), it’s the actual fireplace that loses its shit.

Gumby: Hey Lira, what’s that behind you?

Lira: Nice try, son. The ghost is in front of me.


Lira: I’m watching you. Always watching.

Calamity: Oh look a fire lol.


Lira: You did this!

Gumby: I told you there was something behind you!

Razor: Everyone stand back and shut up!


Razor: Show’s over, now get on with your lives.

Katana: Aw, I missed it?

Yeah, that didn’t go down quite as planned. The idea was to award bonus points based on how well they kept it together during a crisis (knowing full well that Langurds can’t do shit in a crisis). Razor being a gosh darn legend and all, he quashed the mayhem before I could really study it… That said, I’ll award him three points for putting out the fire. Calamity gets two for not freaking out, and… hell with it, Tewl gets one for, uh, staying out of the way.

1st Place: Razor (+3 bonus)
2nd Place: Calamity (+2 bonus)
3rd Place: Tewl (+1 bonus)


Stage Five – The Claaaaw



In the next stage, our heirs take three turns each on The Claaaaw and win points based on the monetary value of their prizes.

Tewl: Fuckin’ piece of— *breaks joystick*


Unfortunately, our first three contestants go without winning anything at all.

Razor: No fair, it’s not even moving!


Katana: All I want for Christmas is my money back.


The full moon conveniently rises as the master steps up to bat.

Lira: Come, I’ll show you how it’s done.


Lira: …This does not compute.

Katana: Where’s your god now?


Gumby breaks the dry spell by winning teddy bears on all three tries.

Gumby: JUST WHAT I ALWAYS— er, how perfect for my baby daughter!

…who is grown up now?


Tewl: Fuck yeah, a BOAT!

Razor: Oh, hello there.

For the love of— Of course Razor would pull a $388 rare gemstone out of an arcade machine. Think you’re taking your redemption a little far there, bud?

Razor: Whatever it takes.


Meanwhile, Cal pulls a toy pony on her last try, breaking into the positives by a whole $2.

Cal: I bet Dad would trade all his bears for this.

Good thinking.

1st Place: Razor ($388)
2nd Place: Gumby ($102)
3rd Place: Calamity & Tewl ($2)
5th Place: Katana & Lira ($0)


Stage Six – Dominoes



Logic has never been this family’s strong suit, in abstract or in practice. This dominoes tournament ought to be the most boring thing ever a nice challenge for my bears of very little brain.

Katana: OH, DID I WIN?

Tewl: I dunno, did yew?

Katana: You know I’m really not sure either.


The girls quickly mop the floor with their male opponents.

Razor: To be fair, you were raised in a toybox.

Lira: And you in a dirty bathroom.

Razor: Touché.


Calamity: Look, I made the poop emoji!

Gumby: *trying not to faint*


The boys go to the loser’s table, where they play until there’s a clear loser (Gumby). The winner’s table plays until there’s a clear winner, which happens to be Calamity.

Calamity: Go fish!

Lira: Darn, you got me!

1st Place: Calamity
2nd Place: Lira
3rd Place: Katana
4th Place: Tewl
5th Place: Razor
6th Place: Gumby


Stage Seven – Painting



This legacy’s had a few budding Michelangelos, but oddly none of them have been heirs. Come to think of it, have any of our heirs had useful skills? Seems like they’re all just pretty faces, and Gumby’s not even that.

Gumby: *cries*


Their paintings are about as shitty as you’d expect, but how do they stack up price-wise?





As you can see, they’re all fairly simil—




Apparently that’s its appreciated value, which I’m assuming is because the artist is, technically speaking, dead. Clever, EA, if you’re on the same track I am. Clever enough that I’ll let Cal keep her first place.

1st Place: Calamity ($944)
2nd Place: Razor & Gumby ($16)
4th Place: Tewl ($14)
5th Place: Katana ($13)
6th Place: Lira ($12)


Stage Eight – Competitive Eating



Ah, finally something these guys have always excelled at!


I guess when I say “guys” I mean “the women of the family.” Katana and Calamity are the only real contenders here.


Cal has her plate clean in precisely 38 seconds. Katana finishes just behind at 44.


Gumby takes 49, but at least he doesn’t run off to puke in the flowers like Tewl.

Tewl: Stfu, I gotta sensitive stomach!


Tewl and Calamity are elected to play again so we don’t have to wait on townies to fill in the gaps. Only their first scores will count.

Lira: Oh, the indignity! *continues to gorge self*


Razor matches Cal’s time no sweat, and Lira falls between Katana and Gumby at 47 seconds. Calamity fails hard even though I reset her hunger bar, and Tewl…


…well, what did you expect?

Razor: Ah, my father, the formidable Flame.

1st Place: Razor & Calamity (38 mins)
3rd Place: Katana (44 mins)
4th Place: Lira (47 mins)
5th Place: Gumby (49 Mins)
Forfeit: Tewl


Stage Nine – The Flirt-Off



Realizing maybe we ought to give Tewl a fighting chance, I pick something a little more up his alley.

Tewl: I heard sumthin’ about gurls?

Gumby: GIRLS? Aw, dangnabbit…


Katana: So what’s your seduction plan, Ghostie?

Calamity: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Katana: Genius.


They each go through a standard chain of romantic interactions, starting with a pick-up line.

Tewl: Hay babe, yew keep anythin’ naughty under dat bandanda of yurs?

Tracy: *giggle* Just my hair.

Tewl: Well dat’s boring. God.


Followed by flowers.

Khalid: Omg, they’re red!

Lira: Like blood!

Khalid: What?

Lira: And ladybugs!


Next is a good old “Compliment Appearance.”

Razor: I like your… uh… jeez, it’s never taken me this long to find an appealing article of clothing on a woman.


Razor is the only one to get the coveted heartfart, but it doesn’t do him any good.


“Compliment Personality” is the logical follow-up.

Calamity: Hey, you look like you’re of sound political mind and are probably good with children.

Khalid: You look like an alien.

Calamity: Hater why u hatin’?


Next is— well, we’ll move on to the next thing when Tracy’s done telling Tewl her life story.

Tewl: No please, save me. D:


Gumby flies in with a classic “flirt,” becoming the first contestant besides Tewl to hit the mark (with something other than flowers)! Proud of you, Clayboy! ❤


The grand finale is a Heat of the Moment Kiss—a real gamble for all parties.


In fact, even Tewl can’t pull it off.

Tracy: Is this all just a game to you?!

Tewl: Actually yeah lol.

How do you quantify love though? Actually was quite easy—I awarded one point for every accepted interaction, added nothing for each shruggy display of indifference, and subtracted one point for every outright rejection.

1st Place: Tewl (4 points)
2nd Place: Gumby (2 points)
3rd Place: Razor (1 point)
4th Place: Katana, Lira & Calamity (0 points)


I mean, clearly the women were at a disadvantage here, so I had to try a couple of things.


Including turning Tracy into a man, which changed nothing.

Lira: But, but I really do like your hat!


Stage Ten – Sim Fu



Ah, a time-honoured Langurd tradition thing that like, two of them did way back in the day.

Tewl: Aw yeeaaahhh, I’m gon be great at dis!


The first match-up sees Razor kick Old Celery’s ass into the next century. It’s great seeing the Mantis in action again.

Razor 2 – 0 Gumby


Probably the laziest sparring match of all time.

Katana: Too… far… away…

Calamity: Wanna call it a tie?

Calamity 2 – 0 Katana

(Apparently not.)


Meanwhile Lira’s all…

Lira: Me, fight you? But I’m just a little girl!


Lira: Oh wait, I forgot I could do this.

Tewl: Huh— Ouchie!!

Lira 2 – 0 Tewl


You know, for all the time I spent writing their winning personalities, I often forget what babes Katana and Lira were.

Lira: Excuse me, we are dignified Sim Fu warriors.

Katana: Speak for yourself, kid.

Katana 2 – 1 Lira


Tewl: I’m goin’ fer tha knees!

Razor: Thanks for the warning.

Razor 2 – 0 Tewl


Gumby: Hey gross, why is your foot so mangled?

Calamity: I burned off my soles on the coal pit.

Gumby: Whoa.

Calamity 2 – 0 Gumby

Matches not pictured:
Razor 2 – 0 Lira
Calamity 2 – 0 Tewl
Katana 2 – 0 Gumby
Razor 2 – 1 Calamity
Lira 2 – 1 Gumby
Calamity 2 – 1 Lira
Gumby 2 – 1 Tewl

The biggest upset of the day is when Tewl beats Katana.

Tewl: Take dat bitchez.

Katana: Don’t mind me, just casually dying of heatstroke.

Tewl 2 – 1 Katana


I specifically planned this match for last because I thought it would be Blood Duel the 3rd, but the Mantis was untouchable.

Razor: You will not defeat me again, daughter!

Katana: Why are there three of you? Is that Nic Cage over there?

Somebody get her some water, stat.

Razor 2 – 0 Katana

1st Place: Razor (10 points)
2nd Place: Calamity (9 points)
3rd Place: Lira (6 points)
4th Place: Katana (5 points)
5th Place: Gumby & Tewl (3 points)


Stage Eleven – Horse Racing



And now for one of my favourite challenges. >:D

Katana: Oh shit. You’re really going to make us joust, aren’t you?

Tewl: Juiced? Oh no, yew can’t ride horses when yur juiced. I gotta tickit fer dat one time.


Alas, we have no lances (only Katanas… haha geddit?) so I had to opt for a less violent horseback activity.

On a side note, is this not the Langurd screenshot you never knew you needed until now?

The horses were hastily purchased leftovers from the equestrian center, but their names are so fitting you’d think I named them myself. Tewl, who originally collected the pink diamond of destiny, is riding Diamond. Razor, head of the family in the Age of Warriors, is riding Knight. Alegra (Spanish for “happy”) is worldly Katana’s mount. Lira’s is Snowball, which goes without saying. Gumby’s is China—probably the biggest stretch, but he did get married at the Terracotta Army so I’m okay with it. And Calamity has Ricochet, which is just perfect for someone named after a cowgirl.


I originally sent them to an Advanced Racing Competition after setting everyone’s riding skill to 7. However, they literally ALL came in 2nd and that was really anticlimactic, so we’re going to have a more exciting horse race of our own, thank you very much. IF GUMBY WILL EVER GET IN POSITION OMG.


I send them off galloping at the same time to the same destination, and the result is pretty, uh, cinematic.

Gumby: Are you going to the beach? What a coincidence, I am also going there.


Katana: Alegra, kill!

Gumby: Oh shit *digs in heels*


Snowball: NAAAAAAYYYYY??????

Katana: Looks like you got a dud, huh?

Lira: We’re doing just fine, thank you!


Aw, look! The oldest and the youngest are getting to know each other. :’D

Tewl: So tell me, how’s my legacy gettin’ on?

Calamity: It’s… uhhhhh can’t talk now gotta go!


Razor stopped to let his horse graze, so he’s a lost cause at this point. He doesn’t even know what that might’ve cost him.


I’ve never had the novelty of sending multiple sims on a cross-city gallop before. 11/10 would do again.


Gumby leads the brigade right down the main stretch.

Gumby: Good girl, Pokey!

China: Excuse me? Who’s Pokey? Do you want me to throw this race?


Huh, Cal did manage to pull ahead of Tewl while I wasn’t looking. Must be embarrassing to be an heir without any chapters. XD


Gumby may suck at most things, but apparently he’s still a jockey even without his ten skill points or his prized mare. Shhhh, don’t tell Pokey!

1st Place: Gumby & China
2nd Place: Katana & Alegra
3rd Place: Lira & Snowball
4th Place: Calamity & Ricochet
5th Place: Tewl & Diamond
6th Place: Razor & Knight


Stage Twelve – The Nap-a-thon



What a beautiful sunrise! Now everyone go to sleep.

Razor: Is this a joke?

Katana: How the fuck are you going to make us nap competitively?

Even Calamity looks skeptical. Have some faith, guys!


How precious. ❤



Looks like Tewl was up a fraction of a second before Gumby.

Tewl: Omg I won sumthin’???

Actually, you lose.

Tewl: Fffffffuuuuuuuu


Cal and Razor are so synchronized I can’t be bothered trying to tell them apart.

Razor: How did you sleep, great-great-granddaughter?

Calamity: Quite well, and you, great-great-grandfather?


Well, well. Look at Sleeping Beauty over here.

Lira: Show-off.


Katana: Oh, were you guys waiting on me? Gosh, I feel so refreshed!

So Katana is really good at taking a long time to do things. Interesting.

1st Place: Katana
2nd Place: Lira
3rd Place: Razor & Calamity
5th Place: Gumby
6th Place: Tewl


Stage Thirteen – Oxygen Deprivation



A nice clean game of “let’s see how close we can bring ourselves to the brink of death.” Alternatively, “let’s go underwater and make a leg pretzel!”

(No, that’s not a four-way breath holding competition. They just got confused.)


After hours of gruelling competition, it comes down yet again to Cal and Lira. Both of them are literally drowning but choosing to ignore the moodlet.


Lira: Just kidding, dolls don’t need oxygen!

Calamity: Neither do dead people. I just wanted to look at the clouds.

1st Place: Lira
2nd Place: Calamity
3rd Place: Tewl
4th Place: Gumby
5th Place: Razor
6th Place: Katana

And now we come to the final—and by far the coolest—stage…


Stage Fourteen – The Fighting Pits



Oh yesss, how I’ve been looking forward to this! Martial Arts are important, but ain’t no skill more useful to a Langurd than good old-fashioned street fighting.

Lira: It’s just like Rock’em Sock’em Robots!


Calamity: You can it with your stupid toyspeak! I oughtta pull the string right out of your back!

Lira: What did you say to me?


Yes, with a little NRaas magic, the Langurd “siblings” go from friends…


…to mortal enemies.


Cal: Bring it on, china doll.


Over on the yellow pad, Gumby’s got our founder on the ground in seconds.

Gumby: That’s what you get for being a… a loser!

Tewl: Why yew little shit!


It’s a close call between the incorporeal and the porcelain, but— hey, are you laughing as your female descendents murder each other?

Katana: I’m sorry, this is great.


Tewl: Pls, like a gurl could ever beat Da Flame.

…wipe the floor with him for me, eh Katana?

Katana: Oh, with pleasure.


She does, and it’s beautiful. Meanwhile, Calamity beats Razor on Yellow and Gumby beats Lira on Red.


But the undefeated Clayboy is swiftly dethroned by the badass Grandma to rule them all.

Katana: That’s for all your stupid wailing.


In the same round, the Mantis shatters the China Doll while the Loose Cannon annihilates the Flame.

Tewl: I believe I kin fly!!


Tewl: Yew really gonna fight yer own father, eh punk?

Razor: Oh god, I forgot how much I hated you.


Razor: But now I remember. Thanks for the refresher.

Elsewhere—Katana falls to Lira on Blue and Cal falls to Gumby on Yellow.


The final round-robin match seals the fighters’ fates as we move into elimination play:

1. Gumby (4-1)
2. Lira/Razor (3-2)
3. ?
4. Katana/Calamity (2-3)
5. ?
6. Tewl (1-4)


A couple of tiebreakers shake out the standings.

Calamity: Nice gloves.

Katana: You too.


She legitimately tries to snip his rock with her scissors and then gets all mad when she doesn’t win.

Lira: But what if I had a really strong pair of scissors?

Final Round-Robin Standings:
1. Gumby
2. Razor
3. Lira
4. Katana
5. Calamity
6. Tewl


As per the tournament format, 1 faces 6, 2 faces 5, and 3 faces 4.

Gumby: Yay, an easy win for me!

Tewl: Don’ push yer luck, boy.


#5 pulls off quite the upset when she knocks out #2! That’s gotta hurt, buddy.

Razor: Only my honour.


Lira stays on top in the 3 vs. 4 match.

Katana: How about I go back in time and un-raise you, eh?

Elimination Standings:
1. Gumby
2. Calamity
3. Lira
Eliminated – Razor
Eliminated – Katana
Eliminated – Tewl


Gumby gets a bye while these two clash over the second spot in the final. Cal continues her streak, but Lira’s run isn’t over yet!


Rules state* if she beats Gumby in a redemption match, she’s back in the game.

Lira: Giddy up, Ponyboy!

…why have I never thought to call him that before?

*Definitely not making them up as I go.


Cal: Daaaaaaaayum.

Just like that, Lira’s back in the game.


Uh, Gumby? I’d take a step back if I were you.


Lira’s on fire—but Calamity gets redemption, too. And if Gumby gets beaten twice, he’ll be eliminated!

Gumby: Wait, what?

Definitely not making it up as I go…


Lucky for Old Celery, the threat of elimination scares him into action. Or maybe it’s just his opponent.

Gumby: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but ghosts can never hurt me!

Calamity: You’re the worst, Dad.


Which brings us to a heated final between Lira and Gumby.


In which Gumby makes all that redemption irrelevant by lighting a fire under his mother’s butt.

Lira: Team Rocket’s blasting off again!

1st Place: Gumby
2nd Place: Lira
3rd Place: Calamity
4th Place: Razor
5th Place: Katana
6th Place: Tewl

With a newly crowned king of the fighting pits, our competition has come to an end! Jeez, that was way more effort than I intended. So anyway, let’s see who came out on top:




Scoring Guide:
1st Place = 6 points
2nd Place = 5 points
3rd Place = 4 points
4th Place = 3 points
5th Place = 2 points
6th Place = 1 point
Forfeit = 0 points

Final Scores:
Tewl: 36 points
Razor: 54 points
Katana: 44 points
Lira: 45 points
Gumby: 46 points
Calamity: 58 points

I had to do the math like twelve times because I was SO sure Razor was going to win. He won six out of fourteen rounds, for Pete’s sake! I then started pulling points out of my ass, awarding a bonus point for each first place finish.

albus dumbledore

Amended Scores:
Tewl: +2 bonus = 38 points
Razor: +6 bonus = 61 points
Katana: +1 bonus = 45 points
Lira: +1 bonus = 46 points
Gumby: +2 bonus = 48 points
Calamity: +3 bonus = 61 points

albus 2

Oh, but how ever will we break a tie???


In true dysfunkshinul fashion, the Ultimate Langurd will be decided by pure luck.

I don’t see anything wrong with this.


Razor: Best two out of three?


Aren’t you just on the edge of your seat??! For the win: Rock, Paper…



Razor! Be serious, I’m dying here!


Cal: GGWP.

Razor: Oh…

I guess I can’t argue with that. And so, without further nonsense, here are the final rankings!

1st Place: Calamity (62 points)
2nd Place: Razor (61 points)
3rd Place: Gumby (48 points)
4th Place: Lira (46 points)
5th Place: Katana (45 points)
6th Place: Tewl (38 points)

I’ve always known purple was superior.


And our makeshift medal ceremony, feat. expertly crafted podium and no actual medals. Congrats to Calamity, first reigning Champion of the Langurd Olympics! Also to Gumby, King of the Fighting Pits. Hey, if our two youngest Langurds made the podium, does that mean there’s hope for this legacy yet?

Last remarks: Idk if this was actually fun for anyone besides me, but sometimes I get experimental and need to mess around to make this game fun again. It doesn’t always devolve into mass murder, as I think this goes to show. XD If anyone decides to try this with their own legacy sims, I’m so there (and bringing the popcorn)! I’

TL;DR: Thank you all for reading my dumb blog these last four years! Here’s to an even dumber fifth year (and to maybe finishing it before we hit six…?).

Happy Simming!


P.S. I realize this is the billionth filler post since the last real update, which is just pitiful. You guys come here for chapters, not to watch me ramble. However, I have Cal’s chapters all laid out and ready to caption! The heir candidates are of age, and man, I cannot wait to get to the voting… 😉

About gryffindork7

I like cats. This is a really thorough bio.

Posted on July 13, 2016, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. Wow, you write in a far more organised fashion than I do! So you play the whole generation, then organise chapters to make a ‘story’, and then write it? Damn, I literally write as I go. I play for 80+ screenshots and then write them XD

    Anyway; I love this! Also turns out your legaversary is the same day as my guinea pig’s birthday. I mean, she was only born yesterday but STILL.

    It was so nice to see the old heirs again! Except maybe Tewl, but we needed him to start this thing so I can’t hate him too much. I’m so amazed that Razor didn’t win, the epic kick ass grandpa that he is. I also think one of us needs to download Katana/Lyra and have them meet…
    I’m so glad that Calamity won though, I think she might be my overall favourite so far!!!

    So I’m sorry if this comment sucks, but me and my boyfriend are about to go hunt a Fearow! And this time, I’m putting on shoes.


  2. This was awesome! Like, the bast thing to read today! I especially like how Gumby somehow managed to kick everyone’s ass! XD And Tewl & Katana derping over dominoes! XD

    Must remember to do this next year…if there’s enough heirs. >.>


  3. Freaking loved this, and right in time for the Rio Olympics around the corner (you totally meant that, right?). I may just have to do something for my own legacy birthday…but how to come up with one that is half as brilliant as this (or last year’s epic simself-Langurd breeding experiment)?

    Sad Katana did so crap, but yay for the young ones being at the top! The legacy is definitely in much safer hands now than when it was in Tewl’s.


  4. OK, so how the hell did Tewl win that first race and Razor end up forfeit?

    I laughed out loud for like a minute when I saw Calamity’s painting price. I knew there was a boost when the painter died, but DUDE.

    I think my favorite was the fighting pits, though. I’m sorry that the fire didn’t work out because there’s nothing more awesome than sims freaking out and failing in the middle of a fire.

    Happy birthday! Holy shit, it’s been a year since you made Java? That says really sad things about how far *I* have gotten in a year. He’s still a YA in my game. He recently choked on a hamburger at the bistro while Victoria was on a date. He’s still in education and is a substitute teacher. He can’t get anyone to date him.


  5. Wow that was entertaining. I could possibly not think of all those challenges myself. I’d do it too, but not so appropriate in an alphabetcy, sadly.

    Awesome, awesome birthday.


  6. I have just finished reading all the chapters (took me a month or so 😉 ) and I love this legacy. Keep up the good work.


  7. Oh. My.
    1. That was freaking COOL.
    2. So many inspiration!
    3. Horse-race is just a genius idea.
    4. 944 for a first-but-posthumous picture was unexpected.
    5. TIL you have another blog, which I probably need to check out someday.

    All in all, I love this episode, it was funny and inventive and inspiring.


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