7.9 Checkpoint

Well well well, look what the cat dragged in.

Oh no, my friend. It is not.

It was already gonna be awkward coming back to this in a new year, in a new decade, after an atrociously unproductive 2019 – but there’s a cruel irony in the fact that I must now return to you in a WHOLE NEW WORLD, minus the magic of Aladdin because air travel is cancelled and carpets don’t lend themselves to social distancing or germ prevention.

A world where everything sucks but at the very least gamerkind should be thriving, right?

And now the Langurds, asleep for the better part of a year, must awaken to this strange place where handshakes will never exist again but murder hornets will take over and for some reason everyone is baking bread all the time?

Siesta: ADSGFJALEFIETJPOA;JEGHW239PFOWEJSDV

Same.

Siesta: I said I’ve got this.

Oh. I wish I had your overconfidence.

But things are going pretty swell for the ‘gurds lately.

Dusty not only follows orders, but also follows orders that aren’t orders! A revolutionary.

And Calamity has been blessed with an abundance of local fires to which she can heroically attend. Just a few more lives must be endangered before she will be forever happy!

Cal: Oh hey Jeff, thanks for almost dying.

Jeff: No probs. Could’a resuscitated myself but I’d rather see you stick it to that bat Lev.

Cal: Why u gotta shipwreck me like that bro.

DR. JEFF PLS SAVE US FROM CORONA

To recap, I wrote this whole investigative masterpiece (real fact, don’t argue) concluding that all the fires thus far were fake fires, orchestrated by our very own 4th gen spare and Queen of the Fae Lev Langurd. However, while this may have started as a secret sympathetic effort to help Calamity not suck at her job, recent events would suggest it has grown into a more sinister pyromaniac power trip. Clearly it got so bad that her eternal husband even left her, topping his career immediately thereafter.

But with Cal closing in on her life-saving quota, it’s time to stick it to the man once and for all.

Cal: Which man? This one?

Kearney: Hey, I’m just an innocent cop!

Duuuuuuuude, read the political climate.

The nature of the fires becomes more and more apparent as Lev’s crew slacks off on the props.

Calamity: Why she fall down?

Kid: Uhhhh, smoke inhalation?

Calamity: You should quit that. Smoking is bad.

Cal: Gas leak? Looks like someone just cranked all the burners up.

Voice in the distance: OH GOSH IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE CAT.

However, some of the town’s fake emergencies have nothing to do with Lev.

Breandan: Thank god you’re here! Please do something about these hideous walls!

Calamity: You called 911…

Siri: The Unfinished Room moodlet is a silent killer!

No it isn’t, but time sure is.

Thus ends a torrid romance and begins a living hell for Sean Kelly, whoever he is.

Sean: Oh cool, a robot!

Chyeah. Have fun with her.

How the tables have tabled.

Cal: Hey Emily. Need some help?

Emily: Not from YOU, thanks.

Cal: Too bad, I need more sticks for the man.

Emily: What?

Cal: Unless you wanted to stay a human bonfire.

Emily: I really hate you.

Cal: Now lemme just smash this up real quick.

Emily: But there’s nothing wrong with it!

Cal: Exactly.

Spoiler alert, this marks the end of their truly golden coworker rivalry. Big shoutout to Whalers’ simself for all the laughs.

Emily: Fix my stove!

No.

Here’s Dusty being athletic and stuff. You won’t see him again this chapter, so enjoy it.

Dusty: My boss told me to take a hike!

Sounds about right.

And then there’s Riza, who’s been designated the portrait painter for this generation, and that pretty much says it all. Just ask Morgana, Azula, Frieda…

Riza: Do I at least get to have MY portrait in the mausoleum?

Only if I don’t hate your mother too much when y’all move out.

Riza: So no.

I ought to go easier on Riza – her story is genuinely tragic. I mean, even if her dad WAS an arrogant knight who treated Rhapsody like a parlour girl and ran off with the world’s most annoying hunk of metal, “see if he wants to play or chat!” is a little heartbreaking when you realize the man is on his deathbed.

Calamity might be the only one here who can deal with the traumatized preteen.

Cal: Say, did I ever tell you the story behind the bloodstone on the mantle?

Riza: The one about my addict great uncle who set all his drugs on fire?

Cal: Ah, so you know it.

Riza: Don’t care, tell it again.

If it isn’t the Skilling Turtle herself! I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her I

FUCK YEAH BYE FELICIA

But first, we’ll let her get the final word in with the man who scorned her.

Rhapsody: BREANDAN I LOVE YOU PLEASE LET ME NURSE YOU BACK TO HEALTH

Okay nope, get outta here.

So in a bizarre turn of events that likely had everything to do with the portraits not being done yet, I booted Rhapsody but kept Riza. You know, just to finish the job of orphaning the poor resentful child.

Riza: You’re not my father.

Trance: I’m nobody’s father, son.

Uh nope, that’s wrong. Remember Duke?

Trance: Ah yes, come Duke. Glide to me you beautiful cygnet.

Duke: You’re not in charge of potty training, are you?

Trance: Unlikely, why?

GEE I WONDER, MR. PUDDLES.

Ugh, speaking of which. For some reason I thought it was a great idea to give Trelilah another kid. Even though they lowkey hate each other and Dustiesta are twiddling their thumbs waiting for house space. Someone please remind me to care less about pretty babies?

Trance: Welcome to the Trance Tank. Prepare to be mesmerized.

Delilah: This is the least romantic setting I’ve ever been in.

And this. THIS! What do I have to do to get this popup out of my life?

Delilah: Did you hear that your girlfriend had a baby without marrying you first?

Kip: Fake news. I had the baby.

Delilah: Mmmnope pretty sure Jada did. She’s more famous than you.

And where is said baby? Why, Brannan and Jada conveniently ran off to the circus for the duration of this chaotic chapter.

Besides, it pretty much exists to fulfill Calamity’s long-overdue wishes and dreams. Heck yeah Calamity.

Cal: Do you think the burning crib’s a bad omen?

Shhh, the only bad Omen around here is your brother.

Cal: Touché.

Cal: Sir, if you don’t get up right now you are going to experience a very soggy awakening.

Corren: The mayor paid me to lie here, why you gotta ruin it?

Cal: Seal breaking in 5… 4… 3…

Corren: Ugh gross fine.

With that, Cal is just one rescue away from completing her LTW! Dominique, the evil mayor’s son, runs past in a panic.

Dominique: Shit, this wasn’t supposed to happen.

Yeah, that’s right. You never thought Calamity would actually make it this far, did you?

Dominique: No, not that.

Oh.

OH.

Lev: I’ve made a terrible mistake!

I’m sorry, who’s begging whom now? Let’s all take a second to revel in the sweet, sweet sensation of karma at work.

Cal: No time for reveling, gotta put out this fire.

Do you have to be so diligent all the time??!

Cal: Hey, you’re the one with the conspiracy theories. I’m just doing my job.

Cal: But don’t worry, I got words for this one.

Lev: Oh, bollocks.

Lev: Please! This is all a misunderstanding! I had nothing to do with the fires!

Cal: …

Lev: This isn’t how I’m supposed to die! I’m the Fairy Queen!!!

Cal: ONE OREO CHEESECAKE BLIZZARD PLEASE

Lev: Dude, I said Fairy Queen.

Cal: NOT ANYMORE. ONLY DAIRY QUEEN. LONG LIVE THE DAIRY QUEEN.

Cal: Hey kid, how’d you like to hop on my back and complete my life’s work?

Antone: Uhhh I don’t think I should do that. I’m supposed to guard the ancestral flame.

Cal: The what now? …How long have you been locked in this room?

Antone: Room? There’s MORE?

Lev: My hostage!

Cal: *humph* You’ve gone too far, Dairy Queen.

Antone: Nooo! Put me back! I’m sorry My Queen, I am unworthy!!

And with that she’s completed her LTW and ended a reign of fiery terror in Dragon Valley! And is deservingly showered with 30,000 sparkles and a weirdly specific 2,976 simoleons.

Antone: Why are you holding a ghost trophy?

Cal: Hey, I am a ghost.

Antone: What?

Cal: Now scamper off and find some nice folks to adopt you, yeah?

Antone: *irreversibly scarred*

But we’re not done here. Some ungrateful shit needs a talking to.

Lev: Boy it’s been a day, hasn’t it? Why don’t we get some rest before we say anything we’ll regret.

Cal: I’ve done my resting. 12 years of it. In Azkaban.

Lev: Why are you like this.

Cal: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

Lev: This town has literal castles in it.

Cal: Yeah, speaking of which…

Calamity: …tampering with your electronics? Have you seen this house? Do you even live here?

Lev: So I borrowed it as a hideout. Who cares?

Calamity: What you’ve been doing to this place is wrong.

Lev: Please, I saved this place from itself.

Calamity: By sending me on a wild goose chase while you roast people alive?

Lev: You would never have gotten this far without me. I MADE you.

Cal: Nah, your nephew did that.

Cal: *inches closer* with a GHOST.

Cal: In an all-in-one bathroom.

Lev: OKAY THAT’S JUST GROSS

Cal: Oh and one more thing.

Lev: ?

Cal: Dairy Queen go MOO.

Lev: YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.

Lev: Fine. Just see how the dumb branch of the family fares without my magic intervention. I give it two weeks before you all kill yourselves off.

Cal: We’ll be just fine, thank you.

That’s right, Cal. Don’t even argue the “dumb” part. Proud of u.

We conclude this chapter with three momentous pop-ups, a “checkpoint” of sorts:

1) Calamity can finally retire and sleep away her remaining days!

2) Lev begs for her beloved’s forgiveness and Jeff is cool about it. You go Jeff.

3) For the first time in this legacy, an incarnation of my simself bites the dust and kicks me in the face with my own mortality.

I do not replace her.

And now we can finally get on with Siesta’s generation! …Right? Lol idk. We’ll see what lies in the next screenshot folder…

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

So this was a shorter one, either because I’m old and rusty or because it just felt like the right note to finish on, and you can decide which one to believe. 😉

How is everyone doing out there? In all seriousness I know it’s a weird time and things like “I hope you’re doing well” are meaningless now, but I do hope you’re all doing well. Or at least okay. And if not, I hope you will be soon. ❤

I’ll be back a few times in July with SimNano posts, so don’t go away! Not that you can, you know… go. Away. Anywhere. Or do anything.

#fuck2020 though.

Happy Simming!

-Sam