7.8 This is fine

‘Sup dudes? I just discovered a whole folder of Story Progression/UI screencaps I’ve been forgetting to use. Just think of all that peripheral information going to waste… What is going on in the wide world? Did I even tell you Jada, Delilah, Dusty, Riza, or Duke’s traits? Probably not.

I subsequently discovered that the folder STOPS about two chapters from now and I have NO idea where the rest of it is. Maybe still on my computer in Canada, which is unplugged and wrapped in a garbage bag. Maybe on the flash drive I left at orientation in the Korean boonies. And do I remember any of Siesta’s kids’ traits? LOL absolutely not.

However, I have a day of cancelled classes (lucky 5th graders just left for camp), I’m equipped with snacks, and the school network is down. That leaves me no choice but to ignore all crises and trudge blindly ahead.

Besides, how could I rain on Dustiesta’s parade?

Dusty: I did it! I stuck it to my parents!

Siesta: Really?

Dusty: Well, no. But I did ask Derrick for a divorce.

Siesta: Oh. Well, baby steps.

Dusty: Speaking of babies…

Siesta: It’s a no-go. The voice says Kip and Trance have dibs until they move out.

Dusty: Does that seem fair to you?

Siesta: Why do you think I’m making the Arthur fist?

Dusty: At least we’re together now. Nothing can keep us apart.

Siesta: Yeah, not even the 60% of this town’s population that wants us dead.

How… romantic?

Siesta & Dusty: A brand new house just for us?!

No, it’s literally Cal’s firehouse and she still sleeps there half the time, but I don’t feel like renovating at this particular moment.

The last time we saw Delilah, she missed a fancy Parisian vacation because she was becoming a vampire. So in fact, the last time we saw her, we didn’t see her, if you know what I mean.

Delilah: Oh sure, you just keep rambling while the lava in my veins slowly congeals.

Delilah: Good evening, Blubsy. Let’s talk about death.

I told you she’d make a more badass vampire than Trance. In CAS she isn’t so Shrek-coloured, but my game never can sort its skintones.

While I have you here, let’s do her the honour of a trait recap. Our Delilah is a Disciplined, Friendly, Clumsy, _________ Never Nude (yeah, I’m still missing one of those and it’s driving me crazy). No one cares about favourites, and her LTW is the stylist thing but I’m pretty sure she never earned enough happiness points to change it to something I felt like doing. RIP, Delilah’s dreams?

Delilah: Thanks for the… honour.

You’re welcome.

Calamity: Hay girl, what up?

Storm: I know what this is. You saw my social was in the red and ran here as fast as you could.

Calamity: Nahhhh bud, you got me wrong.

Storm: Later haterz.

Calamity: Storm nooooo.

*spins around in rage*

YOU. HOW DARE YOU TAKE OUR UNICORN.

Titus: The fuck? All I’m taking is a morning stroll.

My bad. Must be…

Tree-haired lady: Indeed, it was I. On behalf of Mother Nature, I hereby forbid you from acquiring another unicorn, EVER.

Probably a good call.

♪ It’s been a long day without you, my friend / And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again ♪

♪ We’ve come a long way from where we began / Oh, I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again ♪

Bye Stormy. I’ll pretend I wasn’t thinking about the shiny collectables when I took these pictures.

I just realized this chapter is pretty much pure chaos for the next little bit, so here’s a kitten eating its own tail to mentally prepare you for that.

It all starts when I send Kip out on the town to take some pictures. I immediately forget giving her this direction until suddenly, my camera pans over to the fire station where we find her completely chill, and by chill I mean FROZEN TO THE SPOT in the presence of a BIG-ASS SHADOW.

Kip: I have an announcement to make.

Is it a death announcement??!

Kip: Nope.

Then what???

Kip: Gimme a sec.

HURRY.

Skydancer: It’s a meteor shower!

Wesley: Oh boy, better get out my umbrella!

Skydancer: Who raised this tiny buffoon?

(She did, for the record.) But more to the point—KIP, THAT ANNOUNCEMENT?

Kip: Needs more build-up.

KIP??!???!?!

Oh, thank god!

Kip: I feel kinda Mother of Dragons right now.

Do you?? Do you really??

Kip: Nah, more like… Mother of Regular Human Baby.

Let’s find an easier way to break the news next time, okay?

Kip: Just wait ‘til you see what I’ve got planned for the gender reveal.

As with any fire-related disaster involving Skydancer, we ought to take a closer look at the parties involved. Especially when the Queen of Sketch is smiling through the whole thing?

Sky: I’m a fairy. Fairies are immune to—

Sky: HOLY MOTHER OF CRACKERS!

You were saying?

Also present—all three Hooley brothers. From left to right, that’s Derrick (as in Dusty’s ex), Rashawn, and Jeremy.

Also their elderly mother who couldn’t give a rat’s ass.

And a few tourists of both time and space, one of whom is a descendant of Siesta’s.

But let’s let that stew, and head to…

…the park, where Rhapsody is somehow STILL drumming.

Rhapsody: WHY. WON’T. YOU. FILL. YOU. STUPID. SKILL. BAR.

Such inspiration drives her music. One can only assume she uses a shit ton of cowbell.

But that’s not what we’re here for. A few yards away, a commoner has brought his concerns to the mayor.

John Pleasant-Burb: With all due respect, ma’am, I think I speak for us all when I say—

Lev: You speak for the citizens now, do you? Let me ask you something, John. Are you the mayor of this town?

John: Of course not. Dear god, what is that racket? I can barely think.

Lev: That’s right, John. You’re just a boring old nobody with a boring old name. Who told you to think?

John: Wait, why are my pants on fire?

Lev: I think we both know the answer to that one.

John: Why are you doing this.

Lev: What can I say? Immortality bores me.

Lev: And I’m really sick of old coots who discard their wives at the first sign of a wrinkle.

John: I would never stray from my Jennifer. Who are you talking about?

Lev: Goodbye, Johnny Boy.

Despite a convincing diversion on the part of Stray Dog, Rhapsody notices the commotion.

Rhapsody: Anything to stop skilling. What’s going on?

Lev: You did this. Your drumming was so bad he set himself on fire. He told me.

John: No! This is a crime! Police! POLICE!

Cop in the Background: Aww gee. Patrol Playful Park, they said. It will be fun, they said.

Rhapsody: I’m so sorry, sir! I promise I’ll never drum again!

John: Focus on your aim, young lady! It’s worse than your rhythm!

Rhapsody: Oh god, he’s dying!

John: If only Calamity were here!

Rhapsody: I… I killed him! It’s all my fault!

I’m loathe to disagree, but…

…at long last, I think we can SAFELY say who the real villain is.

Kid: Our mayor is the best!

Cop: Awww man, this report is gonna be like TWO whole pages…

Lev: Sounds like a waste of your valuable time, Gary.

Cop: Yeah. Totally telling my boss I was in the bathroom.

Or… maybe not.

Grim: Seriously, guys? Did anybody even TRY to save him?

Lev: We did, but Rhapsody was all like “I got this” so…

Grim: Hubris is a fatal flaw, Langurd. It sounds to me like you killed this man.

Rhapsody: But—

Lev: *sobs* Why would Rhapsody do this?

Everyone: Yeah, why would Rhapsody do this???!

Grim: I wasn’t supposed to come for you ‘til next week, old chap.

John: I know. It’s a shame I’ll miss the birth of my grandchild.

Morida: You must really hate old people, huh?

Rhapsody: No! I—

Morida: Omg guys! She’s killing me too!

Rhapsody: But I’m not even touching you!

Tam: I’m moving to Riverview…

Um, so it was a lot to keep track of, but I’m pretty sure a third person died in this park at the same time as Morida. And I’m pretty sure it was Ashley (DreamWeaver)’s Simself. D:

Cop: Okay everyone, I’d like to ask you all to please stop dying you’re making my job really hard.

Grim: Whose job is hard, punk?

Cop: Uhhh yeah I’m gonna go do some paperwork.

Grim: You do that.

Kip: Hey, what’d I miss?

Apparently the entire lesson on safe pregnancies. First the meteor, now this?

Kip: Hey, it’s totally safe to work out in moderation while pregnant.

But also not something you would ever do while NOT pregnant??

With a foe around every corner, can we really call any place safe these days? A Mithrilen, two O’Connells, and Rhapsody’s ex walk into a gym…

Brian: That’s not how the joke goes.

YOU’RE HOW THE JOKE GOES.

Actually, the real joke here—according to my notes—is that Kip’s camera captured “Military Bigwig” and I’m not sure whether it’s talking about Kearney O’Shea or the blue kid’s floating hair.

At least, I thought this was funny ten months ago.

Fiona’s always been the scariest O’Reilly-O’Connell in my eyes (possibly due to her RBF). But even then, she doesn’t pull off the running-in-heels thing quite like our Jada.

Fiona: Oh yeah? Does this Jada also run on a rusty treadmill that erratically changes its elevation and speed?

No and I don’t know why you would brag about that?

Morrigan’s got a silly little hat now so we can pretty much say we’ve beaten her.

Morrigan: It’s where I keep all my secrets.

Noted. Steal Morrigan’s hat, save the world.

Louie: Steal Morrigan’s hat……. save the world!!!

I truly can’t remember why this kid seemed important, given that he’s an Eames-O’Reilly (a lesser clan led by Morrigan and Fiona’s irrelevant younger brother Augustine). They could be totally innocent or – by the look of those eyes – the real masterminds behind all the evil in Dragon Valley.

Louie: Steal Morrigan’s cat!

No Louie, go home.

Meanwhile, I can’t believe half of Jada’s genes came from a woman who’d flirt with a Langurd-Collins. A Langurd-Collins!!! Sarah, how could you.

Yes, we’re reaching the likes of the Shire with its Sackville-Bagginses and Chubb-Bagginses and regular old Bagginses.  The Langurd-Collinses are a branch of Lev’s family, and this dude (Samir) weirdly shows up in so many SP pop-ups that I didn’t even have to go hunting for his name. Could he be related to Lev’s fiery rampage??

Robot: My data processors have exploded.

Okay, okay. I’ll lay off the conspiracy shit. We’ll have our answers soon, anyway.

But while we’re on this tangential stroll around town, might as well meet Jada’s younger sister Therese.

Therese: Don’t say that bitch’s name in front of me.

Oh, Therese was invited to Trelilah’s wedding but didn’t show, so I can only assume she has a lifelong vendetta against her sister for getting all the looks in the family.

Therese: Wait, what?

It’s okay, I won’t tell anyone.

Therese: No, I—

And here’s a look at Skydancer’s son Wesley, who’s grown into a pompous little snot and probably just got his acceptance letter to Durmstrang.

Wesley: I’ll take Herm-oh-ninny to the Yule Ball.

All this shit going down and Cal’s over here just being a good Grammy.

Cal: Your great uncle Crash came home from the hospital in this stroller.

Duke: *gurgling happily*

Keeping on top of my trait recaps—this little dude is an Eccentric Heat Lover. In normal families that might spell surfer or stoner. In this one, it probably spells arsonist.

Oooh, good thinking Cal. Teach the kid about the serenity of nature, maybe he’ll grow up normal.

Cal: Shhhhh!

Okay, okay.

Weird to be staring at his parents’ empty wedding arch, though.

Cal: SHHHHH!

For reasons I have hinted at but will not yet fully disclose, Siesta’s gonna need to step up her parenting game in the next few weeks. And Riza’s the perfect moody child to practice on.

Siesta: What do I say?

I dunno, ask about her day? Give her some advice? I’m not a parent, how should I know?

Siesta: Wait what? I thought you knew everything!

Riza: That’s her schtick, you moron.

Siesta: Uhhh, ummm, are you gonna do the dishes?

Riza: No.

Siesta: Cool cool. That’s cool.

To add to the chaos, the portraits up and disappeared again. At this point I might just wait until the end of the legacy and recover them all en masse.

Gnome: Hehehe, your ancestors are DEAD.

Kinda the point of a mausoleum, bud.

Rhapsody: I finally maxed drums and all it took was for three people to die!

Augustine: Do you hear that, Laeticia? She uses their bodies to make drumskins!

Latasha: We must keep her away from our children!

Rhapsody: Say what you want! I don’t even care anymore!

The real sad thing is she still has bass left to go. I think the first order of business is beating her over the head with it.

Okay wait, I thought we were trying to make this kid normal?

Cal: Chillax, I worked my magic. He’s gonna grow up just fine.

Tell that to the MILITARY BIGWIG OVER HERE.

Cal: Lol whoops, I tried.

Duke: My brain is in my hair! 😀

Crisis averted, we reassembled the kid. It’s summer but I’m too lazy to download new hairstyles and I’ve already used the non-accessory ones to death. A little heatstroke never hurt anyone, right?

Of course the stupid hat totally obscures his Delilah hair, a fact I’m sure will please Trance – since every other part of Duke (besides his skin) looks to be his father’s.

And where is said father on his son’s birthday? Why, chomping people in the park like a feral dog.

Derrick: Is this really appetizing to you?

Trance: Oh, but I like it crispy.

Derrick: C’mon man, I already got dumped by my husband and exploded by a meteor today…

Trance: Bam, you also got chomped.

Derrick: I hate everything.

To cap off a really fun day, Laeticia Eames goes into labour and sends the already-distressed parkgoers into a full-on spiral.

Derrick: The electric floating zombies have ruined this town! Everyone, it’s time to move!

Tam: Now that I think of it, it’s a horrible conundrum that townies are stuck in one town forever.

Derrick: We CAN’T move???

On the bright side, Riza seems to have suddenly discovered the joys of living.

Riza: NOTHING REALLY MATTERS TO MEEEEEEE

Eh, it’s something.

I mean, she did roll an LTW so the kid’s not entirely hopeless. I humoured her and locked it in even though she’s probably moving out with Rhapsody the moment she maxes bass (so 300 years from now).

We’re all aware that Kipada’s baby will be an actual godsend, but I just wanna say for the record that pregnant Kip is a whole mess.

Calamity: I was never like that, was I?

I mean…

Cal: HOW DARE YOU BRING UP FALAFEL

Taking this small pause to mention Cal’s been working on a thing while waiting for emergencies. She has pretty much all the mood-maintaining rewards by now (dirt defiant, steel bladder, meditative TRANCE sleep, etc.) and a ton of time to kill, and has thus joined the masses of mediocre Langurd novelists. Quinn would be pleased at the shit this one will stir up.

In fact, I think Quinn would be pleased at the state of things in general. The town drama has risen to such a level that a police car now idles in front of Playful Park 24/7.

Cop: I STILL HAVEN’T FIGURED OUT HOW TO EXPLAIN THIS SHIT TO MY BOSS OKAY

What’s this? A missed birthday? Looks like Rhapsody somehow grew out of adulthood and into teenage rebellion.

Rhapsody: Yeet!

Oh no.

Kip: Where are you going, Auntie?

Rhapsody: Hittin’ the cluuuub

Kip: The bridge club?

Rhapsody: You know it soooooon

Our main couple still don’t have a proper room and can’t take their relationship public, so front lawn dates are the best they can get.

Dusty: Can I ask you something? What’s the point of having a saltlick if you don’t have a horse anymore?

Hey man, that’s cold.

Siesta: Sometimes I lick it to see if I’ll get unicorn powers, too.

Dusty: Gross.

Says the guy who just pulled a dried sustenance chunk out of his boxers.

Dusty: A man’s gotta have breakfast.

And a half-assed shower? Are you living on the lawn now?

Dusty: Destiny waits for no man, you know.

Oh, I get it. By “destiny” you mean “the carpool.”

Dusty: Yep.

Dusty is, in fact, still employed in the military path he was pushed into as punishment by his parents. Seems counterproductive after breaking free of the Mithrilen yoke and like such as, but he was already at Level 6-ish when he moved in, and I’m not about to give up an easy LTW. Let’s just say he’s… going undercover. A man on the inside. Sure, that makes sense.

What DOESN’T make sense is these sims’ IDIOTIC determination to EXCLUSIVELY use the master bathroom and to EXCLUSIVELY access it by climbing the goddamn FIREPOLE when it has TWO other PERFECTLY FUNCTIONAL entrances.

Siesta: IT DOES?!

Yes, but by all means, KEEP TORTURING YOURSELF.

Funny that Malissa’s presence in the legacy was so short, yet she’s one of our most frequent ghost visitors.

Malissa: Ohmigosh Edward Cullen so good to meet you ahhhh

Trance: Are you high? That sparkly scum isn’t real!

Malissa: You aren’t real lol

Trance: Take that back, you ludicrous candy phantom!

Nice work, Kip. I think you’ve finally grasped this pregnancy thing.

Kip: Yeah, it’s really giving me time to work on my tan and read my photography books.

Wait… that’s not “Baby Incoming” or “Totally Preggers”?

Kip: What are those? They sound boring.

…Well at least the kid will be pretty.

This whole house needs some babyproofing. Isn’t that fire alarm a little loud for Duke?!

Cal: Oh, that’s not a fire alarm. I rewired it as a baby monitor.

Kip: So that means…

Cal: Dibs not on diaper duty.

Kip: Dammit. Where’s Trance?

Trance: Picking up the giant space rock that almost killed you and pocketing the $3119.

Three thousand? Seems a little cheap after this story I learned about in a podcast but okay.

 

The fire department has really gone to the dogs since Cal started working from home. Or should I say – gone to the robots. Siri works there now.

Siri: Say goodbye to your yoghurt cups, bitches!

Siphoning power from the station appliances, okay. Tell me, how have you not been fired yet?!

Trance heads out that way in the hopes of finding his first fledgling.

Franklin: So how’d you become a vampire?

Trance: Funny story, so on my wedding day…

Trance: …and then my sister was like “Trance, you’ll be a much better heir than me. I want you to take over the family.”

Franklin: Wow, so the fangs really worked out for you, huh?

Trance: And they can for you too!

Franklin: What the fuck dude I was just engaging in polite smalltalk!

Trance: Relax Frankie, it’ll all be over soon.

Franklin: I see Satan…

How was the first day back at the Forces, Dusty? They work you too hard?

Dusty: Not… at all…

You ran laps for 8 hours, didn’t you?

Dusty: Yep…

Siesta: Hey look, I figured out this parenting thing!

Duke: It’s a bowl of slop, lady. Don’t get ahead of yourself.

But wait, there might really be hope. Who got Riza to do the dishes??

Riza: I did. I’m an independent and autonomous person.

Right, sorry. But that means I took this picture of Kip putting something in the oven because…

Kip: You think I’m going to walk away from it? Relax, I’m a chef!

Kip: Uhhhh, I might have to walk away from this one.

Goddammit.

Trance: Have no fear, Trance is here! You have been blessed.

Kip: Is it seriously cleaning itself right now?

Trance: I tend to inspire self-improvement.

That or your awesome mother upgraded it.

Kip: Thanks bro, I’ll name my baby after you.

Trance: Don’t you dare. Oh, hey girl. Wanna become a vampire for the low price of three thousand simoleons?

Kip: Just kidding, I would never name you after that dorkus.

Obviously – we don’t recycle names around here. Meet Brannan Langurd! Both Kipada and Trelilah got their own themes this generation, but the latter is really boring and self-explanatory, so only this one is worth trying to guess. Any takers?

Poor kid has no traits because, you know, that whole mess I mentioned at the start. Burritos don’t need those things anyway, right?

Brannan: You’re screwed when I grow up.

I know, I know. Fuck.

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Hey, I did it! I wrote a SimNano update!

For those of you who don’t know, SimNoWriMo/SimNaNoWriMo/SimNano is a yearly event on the Boolprop Forums where simmers try to meet certain update quotas on their challenge blogs throughout the month. This year we got to set our own goals and earn a medal no matter the size of that goal – so naturally I got ambitious, grabbed that perfectly attainable prize, and whipped it across the motherfucking desert. With a trip back to Canada coming up and a two-week Harry Potter English camp to plan and deliver, my seven-post quota is unlikely to be met at this point. But… never say never and all that.

(Never.)

In all seriousness, I am going to try my best to get a bunch of updates out in the next month. Visiting home in August means I’ll have access to my PC, and while I have a lot more important things to do than play Sims (watch my little brother get married, for instance), I’m sure there will be some jetlagged nights when I have no other choice. So that’s somewhat exciting, but it would be ideal to be much more caught up before then!

We’ll see what happens. Thanks for bearing with me!

Happy Simming!

-Sam