7.22 Permanent Redirect

Here we go. Let’s keep kicking the can that is this legacy!

Previously, Siesta decided that seven uniquely blossoming personalities were just too many, and shipped Ixi off to Snob School (her wish, not mine).

While I do not condone her choices, I too am overwhelmed by numbers – especially when you account for a cat, two robots, and the fact that she and Dusty are mentally five.

I decide that the easiest way to deal with this is to keep them all in one place. As in literally cram them into a singular vehicle. What could go wrong?

Kau: Are we there yet?

Acara: Obviously not. We haven’t even left.

Dudley (driving): Left?

Siesta: No! You stupid hunk of junk!

Kiko: Jeez Mom, why don’t you ship him off to boarding school too?

Dusty: Who went to boarding school?

Tonu: Another day tells the tale of flowers.

Pete: ROD TURP!

Kougra: *dying a slow death in a middle seat*

It’s a loooooong five-second journey down the street to the itty bitty beach that never sees the sun.

Dudley: Beach?

Pete: BITCH!

Kau: This feels mighty familiar…

Ah, yes. Ye Olde Family Vacation Jointe. Because going anywhere farther away is just too hard.

However, it’s much nicer now that the kids can make full use of its features.

Kyrii: Did you know that there are more viruses in the ocean than stars in the Milky Way?

Kougra: That’s nice.

Kyrii: No it’s not. Are you even listening?

Kougra: No, I’m attempting to regress into a grain of sand. Shut up.

At least they know how to use the beach, unlike the fools who birthed them.

Dusty: The ocean is great, but have you seen these wooden planks? They’re much safer.

Siesta: Kougra doesn’t know what she’s missing.

Dusty may have a point. Waterproof or not, this will never look right.

Pete: I AM FUSH

It does, of course, present another opportunity for Kau to work on those sea legs.

Kau: Man overboard!

Pete: Hegheugheughue *floating along happily*

And for Siesta to… leave all her problems behind?

Kiko: Nice try, Mom. I’ve got your rudder hooked.

Siesta: It was worth a shot.

But, like any good Langurd outing, this one gets completely pissed on by the gods.

Kau: Should I head back to land?

Of course not. You love the outdoors, remember?

Kau: You can’t use that to justify EVERY kind of abuse.

I absolutely can.

Dusty: Oh boy. This weather…

Siesta: What’s wrong?

Dusty: I can’t help it… it just gets the confessions flowing…

Siesta: What confessions?

Dusty: I’ve been cheating on you with my boss to get ahead at work.

Siesta: Oh, I knew tha— I mean, what?!

Siesta: I can’t believe you, you— you big fat cheating cheaterpants! You stupid idiot! You’re nothing but a big stinking pile of— of— pile of stinky socks! Yeah!

Dusty: Stab me in the heart why don’t you! *sobs*

Kiko: Get back here, Kau! You can’t just row away from the drama!

Kau: Watch me!

Siesta: There, that ought to keep him from messing around again. I really brought the thunder.

Dusty: Hey, Patty! No, I’m not busy. Be there in five.

Dusty: REPORTING FOR DUTY SIR.

Patty: This will never get old.

Dusty will though. Dusty is already as old as the hills and will probably shrivel up and blow away, all while begging for one last promotion from a boss whom he OUTRANKS BY SIX WHOLE DEGREES.

Patty: Does that make you mad?

Mildly.

One of these weirdos needs to take over stat, because they will clearly be much lower-maintenance.

Kyrii: Dad was wrong. The wood hurts.

Kiko: Did you figure that out with your genius trait?

Acara: Yippee!! It’s my birthday and that means you have to give me screen time!

It sure does. Guess you’d better make good use of it.

Acara: Oh, I have lots of things prepared.

Acara: First, I’m gonna make Gwen Stefani brows cool again!

Nope, bye.

Acara: But my new trait—

Is Good, so go get good at stuff, now bye.

Acara: Awwww man.

On to more exciting things, like… this? I bet I can guess what website Kau’s browsing (and it rhymes with Schmirate Schmay).

Kau: Hardy har har.

Am I right though?

Kau: You would be if Tonu didn’t have his laptop set to Norwegian.

Makes sense.

Kiko: So Captain, how’re those sea legs coming along? I’m thinking we should get on that looting game lickety split.

Kau: Oh, it’s going great. I’ve got the lay of the whole river.

Kiko: Yeah, I’m thinking we aim a little bigger than that.

Acara: How big, exactly?

Kiko: Oh crap, I didn’t know she was there. Quick, talk about vegetables!

Kau: Banana.

Acara: Yeah, I’m sure it’s a real mastermind plan.

Acara’s goals are much less exciting. I locked in the CEO LTW when she aged up, so she’s off to the salt mines. Figuratively, because where she’s going is way too bland to have any salt.

Also…

Tell that to her parents’ marriage.

After the beach kerfuffle, Siesta has evidently realized her insults could use some work.

Siesta: Hey, you dumb rocks! Get out of my house or I’ll… I’ll step on you!

Crystal Plant: Wow, I’m so scared.

Siesta: Really?

Crystal Plant: No. That was pathetic.

Crystal Plant: *unleashes a stream of profanities*

Siesta: Where did you learn to do that?

How is pet ownership going, you ask? I don’t know why you would ask that when our track record is so spotless, but it’s going great. Little Kadoatie is barely even a tripping hazard and on an unrelated note, I didn’t know we still had dragons!

Kadoatie: You should feed your investments regularly.

Kougra: Not when you keep phrasing it that way.

Kau learns the ways of the wild from the Sim equivalent of Bear Grylls.

Monkey Stovez: Alrighty, this looks like a nice place to set up camp. First we gon’ chop down these here trees for firewood. Then I’ll stew up some of them glossy-lookin’ plants for dinner.

Kau: I need to see how this ends.

Kougra did her duty like the diligent cat mom she is. Someone else, it turns out, is being surprisingly undiligent these days.

Kougra: Are we paying her to read?

Hey now, I’m sure it’s to all in the name of better butlering.

Who am I to say where June gets her abilities from?

Idk though, something’s up with her. Ever since Tonu breached the social barrier, she’s been doing a lot of loitering. Almost like she lives here or something.

…Okay so she IS technically a live-in butler and that’s Kougra sleeping in her bed, but I’m still sus.

Pete: Toenail, you borked the bortler.

Tonu: Peanuts.

Remind me not to let these two be in a picture together again.

Oh, great. As if Kiko weren’t enough.

Mayday, mayday! NOW he wants to make sense? I don’t like it.

That’s it. Deep breaths. Resist the call of rationality.

Tonu: I feel…

Yes?

Tonu: …potato.

Crisis averted.

These two, on the other hand, are an entirely different type of crisis that may not be possible to avert.

Kiko: So Captain, when are we getting out of this one-fish pond?

Kau: There’s only one fish in this pond?

Kiko: Yikes. That went right over your head, didn’t it?

Kiko: Well hello my child.

Kau: No fair, now there’s nothing left for me to catch!

It’s not Kau’s fault his sisters ate his brain in the womb.

Kyrii: Aaaaaand with one last tap, I’ve cured cancer.

Whoa, really?!

Kyrii: Yep. All Cancers are henceforth cancelled. Geminis, you’re next.

Although really, it’s a wonder there are any smarts left in the gene pool.

Siesta: You’re mean. I’m a robot genius.

I was pretty sure we already did this (and unequipped it shortly thereafter) but who am I to have any idea what the heck is going on?

Siesta: Yes! Now I can put this in Dudley and he will beat up everyone who has ever wronged me!

I don’t think you understand how evil works.

Siesta: Okay, Dudley. I’m going to make this real simple for you. Kill Master’s Enemies.

Dudley: Kill… Master…

Siesta: That’s righ— wait, please finish that sentence.

Dudley: KILL MASTER!

Siesta: I should’ve known three words were too many…

Dudley: Master?

Siesta: Just leave me…

But for now, back to The Mysterious Case of the Borked Bortler^TM. What happened to you, June?!?

Imposter: Oh, I’m not June. I’m Courtney.

Excuse me? What the fuck is a Courtney?

Imposter: Nice to meet you, too.

Siesta: WHOA. Hold up. What happened to June? Bring back June! We NEED June!

Dudley: Kill June!

Siesta: Dudley no.

Courtney: Don’t worry, guys. I’ll be twice the butler June ever was. Starting with throwing away all your dumb rugs. Yay!

Strictly speaking, June is not entirely “missing.” She is here. On our couch. Invited over by one teenage admirer, perhaps?

June: So Tonu, what did you want to talk to me about?

Tonu: A piece of cake.

June: Oh. Um, okay.

Dude, how can you not realize he has the hots for you?

June: He… pardon??

Tonu: A passionate evening approaches at high velocity!

June: Oh, goodness. If you’ll excuse me for just a moment.

Siesta: There you are, June! Oh, thank goodness! I need you to control my evil robot and also do my taxes and raise my children. June? June? Why aren’t you answering me?

Siesta: JUNE?!

And with that, the world’s best butler really is gone. </3

Unlike this guy, who’s somehow still kicking and by kicking I mean seriously pushing his luck with the life-death border and apparently not giving a shit about it.

Dusty: My fun bar is in the red!

A likely story.

Ixi: I don’t have a fun bar anymore. They don’t abide such frivolities at Smuggsworth.

That’s right, our boarding school gal has returned to us a whole new person.

Literally—the game processes her and her former self as separate entities.

She’s also tasted life beyond these walls and wants nothing more than to gtfo again as soon as possible. I feel that so hard.

Siesta: Gosh dang it, she’s back already? I thought I’d gotten rid of her for good.

I mean it was genuinely worth a try, given the way boarding school has typically held kids hostage in my game. But nope—Siesta 2.0 is back in the building, and she’s even MORE better than you!

Siesta: *sobs*

Here is Dusty, off to work. I’m hoping this shot was taken in anticipation of him reaching that final promotion. Please.

Dusty: Idk, I’m thinking about throwing a chance card. Or maybe dying on lunch break.

Asdlfikjaoeitjadlkfflgkllkll I might not even care at this point.

At this rate, I swear his children are bound to top their careers before he does. Between Acara the businesswoman, Ixi the private school graduate, Kyrii the rocket scientist, and Kiko the evil prodigy, this generation is set to take over the world.

Pete: So prond of Koko!

Kiko: Thanks, Pete! Maybe I’ll run for president one day. You know, if I feel like it.

Ixi: Excuse me, but have you forgotten this family already has a budding politician? Also, Peter, I am your favourite.

Tonu: Lonely Henry is good for you!

Ixi: Thank you, Tonu. I appreciate the support.

All that work talk just in time—it’s Acara’s first day at the salt mine!

Acara: I don’t wanna go.

False. You are a Workaholic.

Acara: Yeah, but if I spend all day in a rabbithole, the readers are gonna forget how cool I am.

*crickets*

Acara: Fine. I see how it is.

She can’t resist the call of the stapler.

(Also, note ANOTHER new butler in the background who is neither Courtney nor June.)

Can you tell Lev’s stupid fairy bloodline (and Skydancer’s) have taken over this town? It’s also scary how many of them work in politics, military, and law enforcement.

Barefoot Bro: All cops are clowns.

Cop: Alrighty, good luck catching that shoe burglar on your own then.

Speaking of clowns…

Dusty: I have a surprise for you.

What is it?!? What’s that in your hand?!

Dusty: A sunbrella!

YOU USELESS MOTHERFUCKING POTATO SACK, I WILL END YOU MYSELF, I—

Dusty: I got it as a gift with this promotion.

OMFG YOU FOOL

Dusty: Now all the soldiers will have to seduce me to get promotions!

Like I said, there is no honour in this at all.

Pharaoh: I will not be seducing that, thank you very much.

For several good reasons—this is Trance and Delilah’s daughter Pharaoh, all grown up! She’s undoubtedly way too capable (and way too proud) to stoop that low.

Also, I’m letting Dusty attend exactly ONE day of work as an astronaut and then he’s retiring.

Kiko: Alright, Mom! No more torrid affairs for Dad! Gimme some skin!

Siesta: Yeah! Woooooo!

Siesta: Psych! No skin for you!

Kiko: What?

Siesta: What are you gonna do about it, punk?

Kiko: What the hell, Mom? I’m literally your daughter!

Siesta: Unfortunately.

Kiko: You know what? No. I tried with you, but I’m done. This is my villain origin story.

Siesta: A high-five?

Kiko: Don’t belittle me! I’m going dark. Real dark. And you are officially my nemesis.

Siesta: Gosh dang it.

Well, that happened, but in lighter news…

Dusty: Hey Patty, thank you so much for carrying my job performance through the entirety of my career!

Patty: No need to thank me.

Dusty: Well, I’m glad we can part on good terms, then!

Patty: Part?

Dusty: Well yeah, I’m an astronaut now. I don’t need any more promotions.

Patty: You were USING me?!?

Dusty: Oh boy, I thought we were on the same page…

Patty: You are a sham of a man, Dusty Langurd. I have no choice but to dedicate the rest of my life to the destruction of your family!

Dusty: Not this again…

Siesta: So, how’d it go?

Dusty: *gulps* Uh, great. Isn’t that right, Patty?

Patty: I’ll just be in my house across the street. Watching. Forever.

Meanwhile, inside…

Kyrii: Did you see that trainwreck out front?

Kiko: I know right? How are we descended from such tools?

Kyrii: Oh, we literally are. Didn’t Mom tell you about our great-great-great-great-great grandfather?

Kiko: Uh, Mom and I aren’t exactly on speaking terms.

Kyrii: You know, if we really wanted to disgrace the family name, I have a thought…

Kiko: Lay it on me.

*hushed conversation*

Kyrii: So yeah, just think about it.

Kiko: Girl, you really are a genius.

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Oops, we almost got plotty again. I’ll try to resist.

Still not much to say besides omg this is a freaking SLOG. Thanks for sticking with me, and Happy Simming!

-Sam