Here we are at last! The final chapter of—
Nah, I can’t. That’s too cruel a joke.
You see, the previous longest Langurd generation finished at eighteen chapters. That was Gen. 4, when I sent the dweebs to university and did the dual heirship thing. The others have ranged from ten to sixteen, but it’s always an even number for some reason.
Today, we hit eighteen chapters on Gen. 7, and the amount of stuff that has yet to happen is ABSURD. I haven’t blocked anything out beyond 20, but my current guess is… 28? 30? And that’s just until I can post an heir poll.
The biggest worry is that this is the ONE generation where I can actually run out of chapter titles, because there is a finite number of the thing I’m basing them on. At the very least, they’re going to start sounding really dumb. I did NOT think this through, guys!
Shall we begin?
After witnessing Dusty’s tryst with his boss from across the street, Siesta stumbles out into the front yard with hot tub brain. Her gallivanting children are all trickling in just before curfew, so it’s bonding time.
Siesta: So that weather. It sure is weathery, huh?
Kiko: Mom, let’s be straight. Do you remember my name?
Siesta: Kuzco. Kevin. Krispy Kreme?
Kiko: Wow, you’re getting so close. Keep trying.
But no, that’s not what she’s REALLY out here for. You thought this one was going to take the high road? Think again.
Siesta: Dem abs, boy.
What abs?! I—I mean you—specifically engineered that torso to look like a bedazzled beer belly!
Siesta: Well, I think he’s beautiful.
Oh my god Siesta, I swear. Don’t even go there. We are better than this.
Siesta: Not right now I’m not. Eat your heart out, Dusty!
Pete: PLERP BORTIFUL!!!
Kougra: Mom? Pete?
Paparazzi: Ooooh, this is good stuff!
Siesta: Hey Pete, that’s our star.
Siesta: Nah, just kidding. That’s the house where my dumb husband is canoodling with my half-sister.
Paparazzi: Whoa. Now that’s what I’m talking about.
Kougra: *shooting literal daggers*
Paparazzi: This is the best day ever. My “Nuts and Bolts” column just hasn’t been the same since Siri lost her Capacity to Love.
Manbun: Too slow, slops. I already posted it on 4chan.
Paparazzi: Not cool, dude!
Kougra: This is a family! These are people’s lives! Do you even care?
Manbun & Paparazzi: Not a bit.
Kougra: I just want you to know that I hate you.
Siesta: Well, that’s a shame. But I still have six other children who love me.
Ixi: I can safely say it’s no more than five.
Siesta: Shut up, Siesta. Go back to your own timeline.
Ixi: It looks like Pete would like to have words with you.
Siesta: Don’t be silly. Pete can’t have words. I know that because I made him.
Pete: PETE BORTIFUL. PETE DESSERT BUTTER.
Siesta: The fuck does that mean?
Ixi: He seems to be implying that he deserves better.
Pete: Siensta USE Pete. Siensta BAP.
Siesta: Again, what?
Ixi: Seriously? He obviously said that you’re bad.
Siesta: Yeah? Well guess what, I think you’re BAP too.
Ixi: Oh dear, you really botched that one.
Siesta: What? What did I do?
Ixi: Contextually, you changed the meaning of the word. You just freed him.
Pete: NO MORE SIENSTA. BYE BYE SIENSTA.
Siesta: Wait! Tell me how to undo it!
Ixi: Sorry, I’ve really got to get back to my own timeline.
DAAAAAMN IXI. Has a complacent, poorly aging heir ever been so thoroughly owned by their own offspring? I don’t think so.
Luckily, Kougra and Ixi seem to be the only kids who noticed any of this go down (and Kougra is the only one who’s mad about it). Kau’s back from his first fishing trip and already dreaming of the next adventure.
Kau: I will sail the most magnificent boat on the seven seas! And she will be called: The Friendship!
And she will be the 358th of her kind.
Kau: Kiko, will you be First Mate on the Friendship?
Kiko: Okay first of all, we’re gonna keep working on that name. Second, you best believe I’m the captain.
Kau: Let’s duel for it.
Kiko: You’re on.
Kau: OOF! Damn sis, what have you been eating for breakfast?
Kiko: Family drama.
Kau: Too bad I’ve been eating falcon eggs and rocks though.
Kiko: YOWZA. Okay dude, you win. Just remember it’s you who goes down with the ship.
Tonu finds inner peace watching some adult Peter Pan cosplayer in the home theatre.
Peter: I am eleven. I will never grow up. This is not fiction.
Until his next delusional episode makes him afraid of the television. RIP.
Kyrii, being quite the opposite of a Peter Pan, relaxes in front of the midday news instead.
Kyrii: Current events are dope.
And then, over crepes, gets dragged into her parents’ childish drama.
Dusty: Did your mother ask why I was out of the house for so long last night?
Kyrii: I’ll tell you if you can remember my name.
Dusty: Karly. Korval. Kettlecorn.
Kyrii: Impressively incorrect.
Yes, the quads are all giant trolls and I rather love it.
And Free Pete is out here finding his artistic voice.
You go, Free Pete.
It’s prom night for the eldest girls and stress levels are high.
Ixi: Oh, curse these gigantic windows! My prom date just saw me on the can!
Ixi: No, Dudley! Get out of here, you pervert!
Ixi: Gosh, how is Mom still so bad at robots?
Ixi’s prom date is not actually her date yet, but a Face One boy I grabbed out of her panel in a last-ditch effort to pair her up. I always do this, and it never works. There is no time.
Ixi: So Scot, I was wondering—
Scot: Sweet, thanks for the limo ride! See ya at prom, Trixie!
Ixi: I wish I had a desk to bang my head against.
As for Acara, these are the pop-ups I missed in the last chapter during her date. Hans was the one who asked her out, and mayhaps they aren’t official yet, but she did ask him to prom. Also, they are the same age. Wild, right?!
Hans: Hey babe, are you ready to tear up this par-tay?
Acara: Errr, will there be a trivia competition?
Hans: Uh, probably not…
Acara: Shoot. Well, let’s give it a whirl anyway.
Siesta: Are they gone? Are my judgy teenage daughters gone?
Oh god, what nefarious nonsense are you up to now?
Siesta: Something I haven’t done in a while…
BOXHEAD SIESTA!!! Simpler times. :’)
For everyone else, it’s bedtime. But first, don’t forget to check for monsters!
Kougra: Monsters? Pssssht. I’ll punch a monster in the nuts.
Kougra: Well, that is a tentacle.
Doesn’t faze you though, right?
Kougra: Oh, I am absolutely not sleeping there.
Talking the talk without walking the walk, I see. That’s just how we do around here.
Speaking of which…
Kau: Miss, it’s snowing.
Oh, for real? That’s exciting!
Kau: Do I still gotta sleep outside?
Depends. Are you a true adventurer or are you a fake?
Kau: Help me. I can’t back down from a dare.
Kyrii: Sorry, bro. You and your ego are on your own.
Kau: I’m doing this for the Black Pearl!
Still not it. Keep trying.
Oh, and the nonchalant lurker is our new butler, June Brock! She’s part of the family now, so you’d best remember her name.
The thing about Butler June is, she’s VERY good at her job. A little too good, in fact.
Kyrii: Do you mind?
June: Pardon me… if I may just… fluff that pillow…
Kyrii: I’m using it right now.
June: Of course, of course. I’ll wait.
Kyrii: …could you wait like, eight hours though?
June: Of course, of course.
June: I’ll just be over here. Making this bed, and certainly not thinking about how much I want to make that one.
Maid: There is literally nothing for me to do.
Yeah, apparently we went ham and booked a butler AND a maid, which is definitely overkill but I’m pretty sure they can afford it. I don’t recall seeing this dude again, so don’t worry about remembering his name (I certainly don’t).
And now for post-prom updates. Little Miss “give it a whirl” certainly did that and more. Wanna bet she’s changed her tune?
Acara: I won prom!!! Best night ever!!!
Where’s Hans though?
Acara: Oh crap. Everything is a blur after they handed me the crown…
Ixi, from whom we may have expected great social poise, got this popup three times:
And this one once:
Nice timing, Scotty Boy. But I think the floor wiped the smile off her her face pretty effectively. *high-fives self*
Acara, what are you doing? It’s after curfew!
Acara: I have to get this in my journal while it’s still fresh!
Well, your journal’s about to take a dark turn…
Cop: Acara Langurd, you’re under arrest.
Acara: Oh my god. *sobs*
Acara: What have I done? What college will accept me now?! I’m going to be a Taco Bell drive-thru girl! Wait, does Taco Bell even hire criminals?!?
Cop: Um, you know this isn’t a real arrest, right?
Of all the “adults” to discipline her, I really think she hit the jackpot.
Acara: I’m so sorry Dudley, are you mad?
Acara: I promise it won’t happen again!
Acara: Am I grounded?
See, you could’ve played that one really smart and just not mentioned the word “grounded.” And to think we call you the smart one…
By the way, this is how the game thinks that confrontation went down.
The game knows shit all.
Aside from generally removing themselves from situations of parental responsibility, Dustiesta were also… a little busy.
Dusty: Siesta, is that you?
Siesta: Yes, you dummy. I got old. Surprise!
Dusty: Now we can eat Raisin Bran and do crosswords together!
Siesta: Only if you tell Patty to rot in hell.
Dusty: Wait, how—
Siesta: Shhh, you don’t get to explain. Or ask questions. Just kick that bitch to the curb.
Dusty: Um, okay.
*ten seconds later*
Dusty: Hey Dudley, how you doin’?
I must have equipped Capacity to Love chips on Pete and Dudley at some point, but that doesn’t change the fact that Dusty’s attraction to literally every human-passing being is off the goddamn charts.
No, but actually.
I have no choice but to… redirect things.
Ixi: Is my childhood about to be shattered?
Pete & Dudley: *amorous beeping sounds*
And there goes Siesta, blatantly ignoring the beautiful love story blossoming between her creations.
Siesta: Hello, Kris Kringle.
Kougra: Hello, Devil Mom. I still hate you.
But not Kougra. Kougra is anything but ignorant. Just look at that face.
Kougra: I ship it.
Kougra: I ship it so hard.
Me too, if I’m being honest.
“Upload Emotions” left a sour taste in my mouth when it was Breandan and Siri, but now it’s the goshdarn cutest thing ever.
Butler June was truly the perfect hire. Just look at her out here, raking the snow. Look at that COMMITMENT.
Dusty: Hello, I don’t think I’ve had the chance to—
NOT A STEP CLOSER, you horny bastard.
Her complete ineptitude at even beginning to cook perfectly complement’s Dudley’s culinary… enthusiasm.
June: Excuse me, Dudley. I can’t quite remember the next step of the recipe. Would you give me a hand?
It’s a few hours to sunrise, and Acara is still in her prom dress. Looks like someone can’t let go of her one moment of youthful glory.
Acara: Wow, it sure is tiring being a prom queen AND a rebel.
*And a nerd.
Acara: And a n— hey, nice try! I am a certified badass now!
Good grief. You are literally going to school.
Acara: Shhhhhh, don’t tell anyone!
Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me. Nerd.
Finally, a normal day where all seven kids are just going to school and nothing more! The perfect kind of non-event for my aging brain!
Naturally, just to be as confusing as possible, they all arrive at school and walk in the doors before being immediately ejected. From there, it’s too hard to send them all home individually. Cue more bonding time!
Kiko: I heard you only talk about boring stuff. What are your thoughts on this green square?
Acara: That is deeply offensive, Kiko. But if you must know, I think it’s rather nice.
Kyrii: Hey Tonu, catch!
Tonu: You can’t handle the truth!
See, bonding is great! Look at what a belly-laughing good time they’re all having!
Ixi: Hahahahahahaha! I love fun!
Acara: Who are you laughing at?
Ixi: Oh, no one. Just playing it up for the camera.
Acara: Mmm, okay. How about I step in and make this look more normal?
Ixi: We are normal!
Acara: And not at all emotionally stunted from being raised by robots!
Ixi: Not at all!
These two are just thick as thieves. And probably destined to be literal thieves, but who cares when they’re loving life this much?
Kiko: I don’t know what you’re talking about. We are perfect angels.
Kau: That’s it! Angel of the Sea!
Kiko: We’re gonna keep trying, but that is a good backup.
Kau: How about Snowpiercer?
Kiko: That is a train, my dude.
Kougra’s not into the bonding thing. She’s all about those solo projects.
Kougra: Oh yes, I’m doing this purely for a sense of personal accomplishment. There is no other reason.
Kougra: Anyway, bye y’all.
How would you even know she’s a Grumpy Loner?!?
Kau and Kiko’s snowboy lives a very short life indeed. How could you, random teen who is definitely Livy’s descendant??
Shelley: Me? Why, I’m just here to do my homework.
*literally two seconds earlier*
Shelley: Hehe. Stupid punk-ass kids.
We conclude this ridiculous chapter on Tonu’s birthday! Blow out those candles and say goodbye to that traumatic childhood, buddy. You deserve it.
Tonu: It was the best sandcastle he had ever seen.
Aww, how touching. Literally everyone who could fit on the back deck came to celebrate, including Butler June. You da beast, Butler June!
Dat hair doe. I still haven’t placed Tonu, but I’m pretty sure he’s a male Siesta clone? With Dusty’s coloring, of course, and something funky going on with the eyes.
Tonu: Mary plays the piano.
It’s less touching when you realize that whatever they’re celebrating, it’s not you.
Tonu: Don’t smoke here, it’s a hospital!
Alright guys, if you thought child Tonu was aesthetically confused, look out…
…because teen Tonu didn’t come to play.
Tonu: I killed God.
Well, I’ll be damned. It’s the first day of deskwarming season (the time of year when I have no kids but am still required to attend school on a contractual technicality) and I just banged out a whole post without stopping.
These productivity levels are actually dangerous, but I know that the moment I slow down is the moment seven months disappear and this blog goes to die, so I’m just gonna keep going.
I wanna say thanks to everyone who’s still reading and commenting! Nothing makes my day like those little WordPress phone dings. (What can I say? I live a simple life.)
Onward to 7.19 a.k.a. uncharted territory!
Lesgeddit! Err, I mean–Happy Simming!
P.S. If I just liked/replied to a comment of yours from 123094203958 years ago, don’t be creeped out! I just went on a rampage through old posts because there have been too many times in the last nine years when I’ve left y’all hanging and I wanted to finally address that. Most of my replies are thoroughly irrelevant by this point, so sorry for clogging up your notifications. From now on, I’ll do your lovely comments the justice of replying when I read them. ❤
P.P.S. Please know that I also leave aaaaaall my friends on read in real life 😀
Posted on July 22, 2021, in Generashun 7 and tagged acara, arrested, betrayal, birthday, boxhead siesta, dudley, dusty, grounded, hans, ixi, june the butler, kau, kiko, kougra, kyrii, paparazzi, pete, pillow fight, prom, prom queen, robot affairs, siesta, snow day, snowball fight, tonu. Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.