7.19 Site is frozen

And so we go where no Langurd has gone before—and probably much, much farther, but let’s take this one chapter at a time.

Previously, Tonu became a teen. I don’t remember his new trait, nor is it particularly relevant thanks to the constant fuckery of Unstable.

The only thing I can be sure of is that he definitely has a crush on Butler June.

Tonu: I’m a turtle eating waffles.

June: That’s nice. I’m a butler eating cake.

Jeez Kau, what’s got your suspenders in a knot?

Kau: I just found out there are at least TWO empty beds in this house.

And?

Kau: …and I’m SO happy to keep sleeping in my roof tent even though it’s winter. I love it SO MUCH.

Yes, we’re all a bunch of happy campers around here. Just look at the whole family gathered together for Tonu. It warms the heart.

Kau: Tonu’s not here.

Ixi: Neither is Acara.

Kyrii: Or Pete or Dudley.

Siesta: And Butler June is blocking my face.

Okay okay, point taken. I guess it’s easy to make any meal look like a family occasion when there are twelve of you in the house.

Kiko: Oh captain my captain.

Dusty: Gee Kiko, awful sweet of you to respect your old man, but I’m actually a Maj–

Kiko: Awkward Dad, I was talking to Kau.

Kau: She keeps doing this. It stopped being funny the third time.

June: Alright, back to work.

Siesta: Whoa whoa whoa. Please get your thicc juicy butt out of my face.

Kau: What does “thicc” mean, Mom?

Siesta: Nothing, Karlos. I am happily married to your father and would never think dirty thoughts about another woman.

Kau: Did you just call Dad a woman?

June: Did she just call you Karlos?

Acara: Oh goodie, I just remembered why I don’t like the kitchen!

Kau: Tonu, Mom and Dad are confusing. I’m gonna need you to teach me about being a man.

Tonu: Cut the mustard!

Kau: Great, tell me more!

I think I called it back in 7.7 when I said “their children will be more mature than them starting from birth.” Our Genius youngest is a good case for that, leaving the party early to scale that Logic mountain.

Kyrii: I still type with two fingers though.

Baby steps.

No doubt she has her weaknesses, and thank goodness Kiko is right here ready to exploit them.

Kiko: Don’t step on the dragons!

Kyrii: Dragons?! Where?!!

Kiko: Good one. You broke the computer.

Kyrii: Not the computer!!

Kiko: My work is tragically easy.

At least we finally have concrete proof that Kyrii wasn’t a freebie they tossed in at the hospital.

Dusty: Nooooooo my ceviche!

But seriously dude, why do you look so uncomfortable in that uniform?

Dusty: I do?! What makes you say that? Do you think my subordinates will notice??!

I dunno, do sharks eat people on land?

Dusty: *screams*

Siesta: I’m so proud of my husband. He’s going to be an astronaut and he’s going to do it the old-fashioned way, without romancing his boss!

Dusty: *reading “Theoretical Odds of Encountering Marine Life in Your Kitchen.”

Ladies and gentlemen, a legacy power couple in the flesh.

Siesta: I know you’re being sarcastic, but you can’t tell me I’m not a cool old lady.

What are you doing right now?

Siesta: Making new trait chips so I can stop my robots from being happy and in love.

You, Siesta Jealousy Langurd, are NOT a cool old lady.

Siesta: Hey Dudley, how’d you like to try being evil?

Dudley: Evil?

Siesta: That’s right. Maybe you could, like, get a job to help us pay for June. It’ll be fun.

Dudley: Dusty job!

Siesta: No, not Dusty’s job. A criminal job.

Dudley: Criminal?

Siesta: That’s right. Just Google “I want to do crimes.”

There’s something comically incongruous about this picture.

Dudley: Crimes!

There’s umbramuse heading up the shady corner of town. Which—given how shady the lawful part is—must be either a cabin full of vigilantes or an actual portal to hell.

We don’t get to find out just yet. His carpool shows up, but the cabin says “It’s not your work hours.”

Dudley: Snowball!

He will make a splendid crook, I promise you.

Acara, our Nerd Prom Queen, can’t seem to get Hans off her mind. Writing a love letter, are we?

Acara: Actually, I’m doing our taxes.

Stop that immediately. Do you even know where you are?!

Meanwhile, poor misunderstood Tonu finds himself stuck in the middle of his perfectly boring older sisters and the thoroughly Gen. Z Quad Squad.

Kiko: You can sit with us. We don’t bite, usually.

Tonu: Particles!

Kyrii: What about them?

Tonu: Codswallop!

Kau: Is he saying that particles are codswallop?

Kiko: I feel ya, big bro. Is reality even real?

Tonu: Sacrifice the cucumber!

Kau: Well, now I’m just lost.

Kiko: He must be too cool for us.

Kyrii: Agreed.

Left to their own devices, these little hooligans are constantly messing with each other.

Kiko: Hey, wanna bet I can scare you?

Kyrii: Mmm, I’m gonna say no since you just announced your—

Kiko: Someone made up dinosaur noises without ever hearing them!

Kyrii: OH MY GOD YOU’RE RIGHT. SCIENCE IS A LIE.

Kiko is a weird one, that’s for sure. Between fishing for reactions and fishing for fish, she also enjoys watching the shopping channel in Ultra HD with surround sound.

Kyrii: You know Kiko, you’re actually really smart. Have you ever thought about doing something constructive with your brain?

Kiko: Like what?

Kyrii: Well, you could join the debate club for starters. Maybe one day you could be a lawyer or a politician.

Kiko: Hmm. Interesting.

Kiko: Or maybe, if I really believe in my dreams, I could be a pinecone!

Kyrii: I shouldn’t have expected you to take anything seriously.

Yeah, there’s not much hope of that with this bunch.

Ixi: Kau, where are you? We’re supposed to be playing co-op!

Kau: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us!

Ixi: Well, you could’ve just said no…

Not to alarm anyone, but there may be a small turf war waging between Dudley and Butler June.

June: Dudley… I thought we were clear on this. Cooking is your thing. Laundry is mine. Was I mistaken?

Dudley: Mine.

June: Oh gosh, you’re right. Look at me! I can’t even keep the machines from overflowing…

That is likely the lesser of her problems, though.

June: Please tell me that teenager isn’t waiting under the mistletoe for me.

I’m sorry professor, but I must not tell lies.

June: Hello, Tonu. I think we should establish something before this becomes an issue. I am approximately twelve years older than you.

Tonu: I put sand in the wishing well.

June: I’m not sure what that means, but please don’t get the wrong idea.

Tonu: You’re my favourite flavour of lawnmower. 😉

June: Good grief.

Meanwhile, a mysterious ringing of the doorbell…

Scot: ‘Sup, nerds?

Great, who invited Ixi’s scumbag RI? Wait, that’s a dumb question.

IXI! Wake up! Why did you invite Scot over?!

Ixi: I didn’t. You did.

I did?!?

Ixi: Mhmm. The Snowflake Day party. Remember?

Ohhhh shiiiiiiiiitttttt. Do I ever.

Scot: ‘Sup, nerds?

Acara: Hello, Scot. Just so you know—

Scot: Ow.

Acara: —that’s not an automatic door.

Scot: Lame. I thought y’all were rich.

Scot: This present is not for Acara.

Um, okay?

Scot: It’s for me. It’s five bucks I found on the porch.

Great. Just how many Generic Douche™ characters will this legacy see before it’s done?

Less of a Generic Douche: Acara’s boyfriend Hans. Snowflake Day seems like the perfect occasion for him to meet be scared off by the rest of the family. If he even gets that far.

Hans: Omg, don’t look now but there’s a ridiculously good-looking man over there.

Acara: Who, my Uncle Trance?

Hans: N-n-not him. The… the other one.

Ah yes, Jeremy Hooley. Brother of Dusty’s ex-husband/Fiasco’s current husband Derrick, and maybe also a work acquaintance? My greatest regret is that he was never the right age to be a legacy spouse. Mind you, I also spent his entire life convinced he was part Langurd (he’s not) so I would’ve written him off anyway.

Jeremy: I suppose that makes me the one that got away.

Don’t look so smug. But yes.

In any case, my Langurd girls don’t seem too enamoured with him. It’s their boys who can’t compose themselves.

Scot: Daaaaamn he fine.

Hans: The Zac Efron hair. The Legolas ears. The Flynn Rider smirk. IT’S TOO MUCH!

Acara: Are you kidding me right now?

Hans: Marry him instead! I am not worthy!

Acara: You were until you turned into a puddle! Come on, this is embarrassing.

Hans: *croak* *gurgle*

Acara: OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

Don’t mind June in the background, having an existential crisis over seeing Dr. Jeff for the first time.

Jeremy: I’m sorry, did I cause trouble?

Acara: No, my boyfriend is just a chump.

Scot: Acara can you move? You’re ruining the shot.

Ixi: Scot? What in the world?

Scot: Oh, heyyyy girl. Nice house. I heard you have a jacuzzi?

Jeremy: That is a walking red flag if I ever saw one.

Ixi: *ahem* Mr. Hooley, do you enjoy meddling in teenage relationships, or do you just have no friends here?

Honestly, probably both. I can’t say the rest of our company is particularly friendly…

Lev: There’s nothing quite like remaining a youthful flower while your great-grandchildren shrivel up like prunes.

Siesta: I’ll shrivel you.

Trance: Dr. Jeff, is it true that you’re unofficially my father?

Jeff: Well, I don’t like to take credit, but… I’m definitely the reason you exist.

Acara: You’re also the reason my mom had quadruplets!

Jeff: Technically, no… but my presence does seem to amplify fertility.

Acara: I hate you, Dr. Jeff!

Do we hate Dr. Jeff? Do we love him? I’m not sure anymore.

Jeff: Check these wings though.

Lev: We can totally fly.

Dusty: Not even a little jealous.

Siesta: I may be old but at least I got a cool coffee maker.

That’s it, guys. It’s important to make peace with your lot in life.

Like any holiday gathering, the kids are wisely staying out of the fray. In other news, I am genuinely concerned that Kougra might be dead.

Kau: I heard if you watch too much TV, your eyes go all wonky.

Kiko: Should we test that theory?

Kyrii: For science!

Kau: Oh dang.

Kiko: We’ve been had.

Kau: By ourselves.

Kiko: We are good.

Love is not in the air this Snowflake Day, I’m afraid. I hate to break it to you, Ixi, but Scot is probably off looting the dungeons. Or taking a joyride in the firetruck.

Ixi: But maybe if I stand here, he’ll sense how sad I am and come running.

Oh sweetie, how nice of you to assume he has any degree of emotional intelligence.

But… maybe I stand corrected.

Scot: Wow, your brother sure is cool.

Ixi: Scot, I’m beginning to think you’re interested in everything but me.

Scot: Nuh-uh. Where’s your proof?

Ixi: Literally every moment since you’ve arrived.

Ixi: But I think I know how you can make it up to me.

Scot: How’s that?

Ixi: Up, Scot.

Scot: Oh yeah, the balloon movie! That was dope.

Ixi: Oh, for Pete’s sake.

Ixi: It’s mistletoe, you cretin.

Scot: Mistletoe? More like missed my face.

…

Ixi: *violently shoves him through glass window*

Ixi: Pete, put down the phone, please. I need emotional support. Also I may have maimed a boy.

Pete: Hungh? One sneck.

Ixi: Who are you talking to, anyway? You have no friends.

Pete: Derf.

Ixi: Well, tell Derf you’re busy.

Pete: Derf…

Ixi: Seriously, Pete? Am I your favourite or not?

Pete: Always. Pete loaf Itchy.

Ixi: That’s right. Don’t you ever forget it.

Let’s be real, Pete and Dudley may be Siesta’s creations but they definitely belong to the kids now.

Uh oh. Here comes the awkward teen tradition of asking all your siblings about their gender preference. Weird timing but okay.

Acara: So Tonu, uh, who are you into? Guys, girls…?

Tonu: Pony.

Acara: Oh, wow… That’s… uh…

Psych. Bunch of heteronormies up in here. Probably because someone forgets to tweak the SP percentages EVERY DAMN TIME they update their mods.

Kip: The percentages can lie, you know.

Kip! You’re here! And aging gracefully, I see.

Kip: You’re inviting OROCs to family events now?

Patty: Oh no, I’m not here for family crap. I’m just here to see Dusty.

Kougra: *hissing sound*

She lives!

Kougra: Yeah. Sadly, turns out I need sustenance like every other dumb human. Hence the nutrition cube. And now back to Minecraft.

Well alright then.

Since his divorce from Delilah, Trance has remarried with Kylee Langurd, his second cousin once removed. And yet, pretty boy Jeremy apparently still wants to be him.

Trance: You see, the key to a healthy relationship is…

Trance: …why do I feel like I have a shadow?

And now for the part of the chapter I least want to write.

Patty: Oh good, I found you.

Kau: Dad, look! I’m about to go extreme watersliding! Isn’t that cool? Dad? Dad??

Dusty: Siesta won’t be happy if she sees you…

Patty: Oh really? And how would she feel if I were to fire you?

Kau: Alright I’m going for it. WEEEEEEEEEEEE— OH GOD THAT BURNS.

Patty: Listen, you’re old. You got maybe a week left to top the ranks. I think we can help each other out, but if you can’t give me what I want then I’ll find some schlep who can.

Dusty: I’m being blackmailed, aren’t I?

Patty: Childhood flashbacks?

Dusty: It is my most familiar state of being.

In summary…

Pete: Dunsty BAP.

Dusty: Oh, come on Pete. You still want a piece of this.

Eww no. I am all-round appalled.

And that basically concludes the Snowflake Day party. Perhaps the full-sized conifer impaling the ceiling was a bad omen? I don’t think anyone ever opened the presents. Say bye to those five bucks, Scot!

To wrap it up, have a bonus shot of Pete dabbling in bartending.

Pete: Henlo. Make drank?

Yes please.

Oh, and Hans? He spent the rest of the party on the floor. Secretly, it was Kip’s and Trance’s doing.

Hans: This is fine.

DAMMIT HANS. YOU DID THIS.

And here I am thinking Dudley’s left a chicken in the oven, but it’s confusingly empty…

…and that’s because the festive yule log in the fireplace that we LITERALLY NEVER USE has exploded.

SNOWFLAKE DAY IS HENCEFORTH CANCELLED.

It’s been a while since we had a fire in this legacy. It doesn’t seem that way because Cal spent an entire generation floating through infernos, but the last one we had was when baby Crash’s cake exploded in 5.11, back in the dollhouse.

Never mind special meals and holiday parties—this is how you bring the family together.

Kougra: This had better be a really bad fire. I just abandoned by Twitch followers and my nutrition cube.

I mean, it’s pretty bad. But I also think I stumbled upon a furniture arrangement that keeps everyone except the real dummies (Acara, Siesta) from getting too close to the flames.

Siesta: June, what are you doing? Put the fire out!

June: That’s not precisely in my job description…

Siesta: It is now! If we die it’s your fault!

June: Oh jeez.

She is really worth her wages about five times over.

Acara: Why is no one doing anything? Are we just gonna wait for the pictures to burn?

Siesta: Great, now Taylor Swift is stuck in my head.

Everyone: THANKS ACARA.

Balboa: You guys are a little new to this, huh?

They certainly are pretty useless, but look at June doing her best. ❤

Siesta: Can’t you spray it harder?

June: With all due respect, you too can find a fire extinguisher in your back pocket.

Boa: Step aside, Wormtail. *does the magic*

Kau: Whoa, that was awesome!

Acara: Why are your clothes on the floor?

Kyrii: Why are mine?!

Tonu: I ate the forbidden taco!!!

(Translation: Get out of the fire, June!)

Everyone: Balboa is our saviour! All hail Balboa!

Yes, thanks to the coincidental presence of a wizard ghost, the fire is a total non-event. These idiots have it so easy.

Siesta: Man, that made me kinda hungry. Could you whip us up some waffles, June?

June: Right away, Miss.

Dusty: There is a hot firefighter at the door. I just thought everybody ought to know that.

No kidding, you dingus. Don’t worry, we’ll be extra careful to start them in your house instead!

Just to prove that we learn from our mistakes around here.

Siesta: Bad fireplace! No more fire! You’re fired! Hehehe. Good one, Siesta.

At least one good thing came out of this holiday season—our working lads got some nice bonuses (even though Dudley has yet to attend his job).

But wait! On an even happier note…

Apparently Siri attended the party and we didn’t see her even once. That feels like a win to me.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Oof. This has been a journey. I crammed in too many things because I’m impatient to get to the quads’ teen birthday. But we’re almost there! I’m excited to see how poorly I documented this one.

We’re in the middle of a gross heatwave over here, and I’m posting this mid-migraine. That’s how determined I am not to let this resolve die. I just hope it makes sense when I read it over tomorrow. XD

As always, thanks for reading and Happy Simming!

-Sam