1.11 Goin’ Nowhurr Fast

Hi guys! So… I caved and bought Showtime today. My brother dragged me out to Walmart for free My Little Pony posters, and it was sitting there all temptingly on the shelf in its sparkly blue case. I like cases—they look pretty on my shelves. I’ve been trying to save money but I just don’t think I can live this way. I’m dying to install it now, but I figure I should get through the rest of this captioning first so here I am SLAVING AWAY over pretty pictures like the good little Simmer I am. Are you proud of me? …No? Fine then. I’ll hand things over to Tewl and Morgana, your favourite people in the whole wide world!

Morgana: Why don’t YOU do the chapter recap, since you’re such an asshole?

Tewl: Derrr, me? I wouldn’t know what ta say…

Morgana: How about you cheated on me with fucking Pauline Wan and I found out about it from our two-year-old daughter, whom you took as a wingman on your first date?

Tewl: Ya, I guess dat is kinda true.

Morgana: Forget it, I’m done with your crap! You’re a scumbag twat and this legacy is STUPID!

Ohhhhkay. Remind me never to let you guys introduce another chapter.

Back in the kitchen, things were as chaotic as ever and Pauline was being a creepy-ass bitch.

Pauline: Hi, little Keggie. You have handsome ears, don’t you? Veerrrrry handsome…

Keg: Will somebody do something about that sink!

Ripper: Nah bro, this is a legacy. Plumbing doesn’t get fixed in legacies.

Rotter: Please let me starve so social services can take me away from this place!

Tewl soon arrived to save the day, sort of. Freshly dumped by the mother of his children, he felt it was the perfect time to enter into another “serious” relationship. Unfortunately, Pauline felt it was the perfect moment to suddenly start rejecting all of his advances.

Pauline: I don’t think I can be your girlfriend, Tewl.

Tewl: Dawww.

Now say if Rotter were a few years older…

God, Tewl. You have the “Attractive” reward, and you just got rejected… by Pauline Wan… for your son… who is in diapers. You are actually the lamest legacy founder anyone could ask for.

He wasn’t giving up so soon, though, and the two of them moved into the bathroom to fill up their relationship bar, if you know what I mean. At this point, it became evident that the budget architecture of the Langurd household was… er, not really working out.

Arabella: Please, PLEASE get me out of here! Do not be deceived by this speech bubble—there is no pre-programmed moodlet for the distress I am feeling right now!

I hear ya, sister. Help is on its way…

Help arrived a little late because HOLY SHIT, EA, what happened to the annoying “shoo from room” thing??? I am so disgusted by you right now. (#6)

Arabella: Your timing is despicable, slave. Now commit me to an institution, if you please.

Morgana: I don’t want to live in this world anymore.

Pauline: That stupid whiny toddler is killing the mood! Will she just shut up already?

You really have no right to be covering YOUR ears…

Tewl figured his very public display of manliness was impressive enough to merit Pauline’s respect, and decided to try again. This time he opted for the sloppy drunken hug method.

Tewl: Date muh pls?

Pauline: Ugh, just cut it out! Aren’t you reading the signs? I clearly am not interested in you!

So he sent her home and went to bed, at which point MORE problems cropped up with our shoddy house design.

Perpetually Stinky Morgana: How am I supposed to sleep in this bed? Tewl is in it and I hate him!

Alright, alright. I can see I’m being a little unreasonable.

You can sleep on the porch instead! Langurd Problem Solving (Y)

Morgana: I hate my life.

In other news, the Secret Block Society continued to dominate my camera focus because they would not stop being SO DARN CUTE. But evil. But cute!

Star: Hey Rip, did you hear? Mommy and Daddy are splitting up because I’m a big blabbermouth.

Ripper: Good going, sis! With the power alliance dissolved we can have complete run of the house!

Keg: Great, now the sink will never get fixed…

Tewl and Pauline still are not going steady, in case this totally romantical shot deceived you. I only included this picture because a) I think bridge shots are cool and b) see that blue truck in the background? Legit proof that we DID hire a repairman (for the second time ever) so Keg really has nothing to worry about.

Actually, a repairwoman. Who is really pretty. And hates Tewl, just like everyone else in this town does.

Sandy: Tewl Langurd SUCKS! I heard all about him from Tuesday Steel, President of the Hot Repairladies’ Club, and I will not take part in whatever morally corrupt show he is running here!

Tewl: *swallowing pride* I’m doin’ dis for Keg… I’m doin’ dis for Keg…

See? Pretty.

Sandy: Get this camera out of my face! I will not be objectified!

But incompetent as a doorknob.

Sandy: (chanting to self) I am a role model who contradicts gender stereotypes… I am a role model who contradicts gender stereotypes… Gads, this water is ruining my makeup!

Later that night, Tewl and the family got invited to a party at the Steels’ new place. I was going to send the whole gang, but with the eight of them on different needs schedules it was never going to happen. So I just sent Tewl and had him take Arabella along, since she’s kind of related to the hosts, and since toddlers are Tewl’s preferred choice of plus-ones.

Tewl: You an’ me goin’ on a little date, Princess Arabella.

Arabella: You are a disgusting man.

Really, though, I only sent them because I wanted to get this picture of the Steel girls. I wish toddlers could interact, but don’t they look cute together? They’re pretty much my ideal set of twin girls—just similar enough to be twins, but with subtle differences in the face. Unfortunately Cleopatra looks more spouse-worthy so I’m probably going to have some bruises from kicking myself every time I see her around. Oh well.

The party was kind of a dud. Tuesday was busy preparing a nice home-cooked meal when we got there, but Tewl and Arabella left before she had time to serve it. It was so boring, I didn’t bother to take a shot of anything else that happened there. Or of Tuesday’s face, LOL.

The one worthwhile thing she had done, however, was to adopt this cat! I don’t remember his name but he has the tiniest, most squished-up face ever and I want him.

Tewl got jealous and ventured into the wilderness to find his own fluffy companion. In the end, he settled for a cockatoo that was staggering drunkenly around a patch of grass by the Steels’ house. The game named it Graculus, and I didn’t bother to change it because that is possibly the greatest bird name in history.

He returned home to a familiar scene.

Tewl: Yo, dudes, look what I brought home! I am da coolest dad ev—

Tewl: Dis again? You guys is all buzzkills.

Babysitter: I can’t take it anymore! Screaming babies, blaring music, squawking birds… I didn’t sign up for this!

Um, yeah, you did.

Meanwhile, in a pitiful effort to get over Tewl, Morgana had locked herself away in their flame-covered bedroom to complete the portrait that would bind her to his legacy forever.

Morgana: Ugh, that doesn’t look like me at all!

No shit, Sherlock. TRY AGAIN.

Despite the dating disaster, Tewl and his little girl remained adorably close.

Tewl: Heya, baby girl. Betchoo had fun on dose grown up outins wif Daddy, huh?

Star: I told Mommy all about it!

Tewl: Hahahaha… Do dat again and Imma toss you in da oven, ya hear?

Just… adorable.

That evening, Tewl took one last stab at Pauline (figuratively speaking… unfortunately) opting to leave his toddling companion at home this time. As per usual, Pauline flirted like a boss.

Pauline: So… have you been working out?

Tewl: Just shut up.

Oh yeah, and Pauline was kinda pregnant I guess. Just by the way.

Once Tewl took the reins, however, things started moving much more smoothly.

Tewl: Say, would you like to spare me another rejection and be my damn girlfriend already?

Pauline: Oh, Tewl! I thought you’d never ask!

-.-

This is officially my favourite screenshot from my own game EVER. It just sucks that it had to be ruined by Pauline’s stupid face and mismatched preggo clothes, so I put my ultra-professional editing skills to work and came up with a few versions that I like better.

Like this one.

And this one.

Tom Felton: Seriously? This is just creepy.

Um, noooooo it’s not, because that girl on the left with the spiky beard (OMG THANKS FOR THAT PAULINE) is totally not me… I promise. XD

However, the beauty of the screenshot was short-lived because, unlike Tom and me, Tewl and Pauline just weren’t meant to last. Bad luck, guys.

Tewl: Dat’s it, bitch. We done. Finished. Fini. Terminado. Finite incantatem. Get da picture?

Pauline: Whatever, it’s cool. It’s not as if I have standards anyway.

So she waddled off into the sunset and proceeded to date Hank, then Thornton Wolff, then Hank, then somebody else, and then I lost track and unsubscribed from her Story Progression updates because it was just getting tiresome.

Tewl took a respectful two seconds to mourn his relationship with Pauline, which was about as long as it took him to dial the hot repairlady and arrange a date.

Sandy: So you like to walk on a treadmill, huh? Well look here—I can walk on water. In stilettos.

Tewl: Dat’s kinda cool.

We interrupt this transmission of Ultra-Speed Dating with Tewl Langurd: How to Make a Complete Ass of Yourself for a special announcement from the Secret Block Society.

IT IS TIME!

FINALLY. After about three idiotic Sim days of “hmm, these guys have been toddlers forever,” it came to my attention that everyone’s age bars had been eaten by glitches, and the entire family had become immortal. At this point I had to trigger age transitions for the triplets because I still hadn’t come up with a viable solution.

Ripper: Okay guys! On the count of three, everyone get really ugly! One… two…

Ripper: (stoner voice) Three.

Along with the demented cheekbones and eye sockets, Ripper picked up the Coward trait. And a bulletproof muscle vest to go with it.

Rotter: Caterpillar eyebrows, SCORE!

Rotter added “Unlucky” to his growing list of terrible traits, poor kid.

Razor: I will devour your intestines, scum.

Razor became Brave. I guess that means somebody potty trained him but I really don’t remember, lol.

Of course the first thing Rotter did after becoming a child was to clean up the corner he spent so much of his toddlerhood in.

Rotter: May no one ever have to sleep here again, man.

Yeah… it’s probably still going to happen.

Morgana couldn’t give a rat’s ass about her sons’ birthday, but she was pretty enthralled by Graculus once we got him set up in a cage on the porch, where we’re keeping all the spare stuff right now… Morgana included. I guess they bonded over their mutual isolation.

Morgana: (porch-crazed) What is this? A FRIEND??

Graculus: No way, lady. Graculus rolls solo.

Morgana: Oh boy, I fish I could be as cool as him! (And I fish I had a brain. I legitimately just wrote that and it wasn’t even a typo. Wtf?)

Since I’ve been ripping on EA so much lately, I figured I’d take a moment here to mention how awesomely true-to-life these birds are. If you’ve read my bio (ummm, pffffft, like who hasn’t?) you’ll know that I have some eccentric little birds of my own. My mom and I spend like an hour every week vacuuming feathers off the carpet, so I got a good laugh when I saw this. An evil laugh, that is, because these idiot Sims get to feel my pain now.

Also a nice touch, seeing as you can buy a bird a thousand flashy toys and yet, just to spite you, they will be total BFFLs with a freaking bell on a string. In my case it’s a pig, but close enough. EA, you done good.

Graculus: TO HELL WITH THE FOOD CHAIN! I tawt I taw a puddy tat… I tink I ate a puddy tat! HWAHWAHEHA!

They can also be sadistic little things.

That is the end of EA Appreciation Hour, which the network (kind of) regrets to inform you has been cancelled. Forever.

And now we return to Ultra-Speed Dating with Tewl Langurd!Where our resident slimebag has progressed from “Acquaintance” to “Going Steady” in just three Sim hours (probably)!

Tewl: Yer kinda yellow, an’ I’m kinda green, so le’ss get together under a big red heart an’ hold hands, mmmkay?

Sandy: President Tuesday tells us to be strong feminine figures… but I can’t help it, Tewl! You’re as poetic as Sylvia Plath!

Tewl: Wif dat memory fresh in my thought bubbles, WE’RE OVER BITCH.

Sandy: Eek, that wasn’t poetic at all!

Fish: GLOMP. TEWL’S ABS NOMNOMNOM.

Apparently I forgot to take proper post-makeover pictures of the triplets, so these seemingly purposeless screens will have to do.

Ripper: Oooohh, golly! Razor just scares the bejesus out of me!

Yes. I’m sure he’s so threatening, stomping up behind you in those PINK FLIP-FLOPS. Man the hell up!

Razor: I’m smiling on the inside, really.

To be honest, Razor kind of scares me, too. He’s a Good, Disciplined, Brave kid and yet he just looks like a menace. I like to think my Sims have depth of character like that… but I suspect it’s just the eyebrows.

Rotter: Um… I think I just broke my wrist on this drawer.

Talk about manning the hell up.

So how about it, Rotter? 😀

Oh look, I did take a proper picture… of one of them, at least. But that’s okay because Rotter’s new look is my favourite anyway. He camouflages with the flame bedroom because he’s a pathetic mini-Tewl, he wears his cap backwards because it makes him look like a loser, and his jersey number is a big fat zero because that’s exactly what he is in life. Also, the pattern on his shorts acts as the token “Kick Me” sign to ensure that he gets beaten up every day at school. It just amazes me how nice I am to my Sims sometimes.

I gave Razor a badass purple jacket (okay, so that’s kind of an oxymoron) but he decided to defy the persona I was forcing on him, and instead of going out and egging people’s houses or something he just sat all calmly at the block table.

Razor: Ah, peace at last! The twisted hierarchy is dissolved… it’s just you and me now, blocks.

The bed situation quickly escalated from mildly irritating to downright idiotic.

Razor: Um, hello? I know we are dirt poor and need to make sacrifices and everything, but I am not sharing a bed with my brother! That is just asking too much.

OH MY GOD, kid. Suck it up!

Rotter: Zzzzz… Ah, just think of all that garbage I rolled in today… Zzzzz…

Okay, that may be cause for a little bit of sympathy.

But not enough to exempt you from Langurd Problem Solving!

Razor: Z… This couch makes such a bad bed that I can’t even emit the proper number of “z”s… Z…

Morgana: Is my nose really that big?

NO, YOU PROBABLY JUST PAINTED IT WRONG YOU IDIOT.

As the legacy’s second porch exile, Rotter quickly took a liking to Graculus.

Rotter: Awww, sweet! A cockatoo! Here Graculus, have a little birdie treat!

Graculus: DIE FOOL. *eats hand*

Rotter: AAGGGGHHAHH!

He enjoyed his animal encounter so much that he rolled “The Zoologist” as an LTW shortly after. I locked it in because LOL.

Arabella: Hello, subjects! Remember me, your all-powerful princess? Well, I have been released from mental counselling and I am *twitch* better than ever! And now it is time for me to become a very well-adjusted young woman.

Keg: In this house? Good luck with that.

Arabella: Suddenly, I am unimpressed with everything.

Damn, looks like she got Tuesday’s grumpy eyes. She also picked up “Can’t Stand Art,” so it’s not even a joke, really. She’s going to be one of those old ladies who never cracks a smile, not even if you were to ice the bloody sistine chapel on a cake for her.

On another note, Keg is such a little creeper. 😛

And here she is after a quick makeover, looking like a thug for some reason.

Arabella: The Block Society has trained me well. I am ready to pursue my true calling.

Oh god, what are we getting into?

And so our fallen princess retreated to a petty side-of-the-table position and drowned her passive aggression in a huge slab of cake. Oh, the irony.

Ripper: Tell me, brother, did you know that Arabella might be one of our future wives? I daresay she has become a most excellent specimen!

Razor: That’s slightly demented.

Arabella: *grumblegrumble*

With three of his kids up and running on functional legs (and using them for questionable purposes) Tewl congratulated himself on a job well done (yeah, right) and turned his attentions to his two youngest his obvious favourite.

Tewl: C’mon, Starry. Come to Daddy!

Star: …Is that a pick-up line or a genuine request?

Poor, confused child.

Keg: Excuse me Daddy, when’s it my turn, please?

Ripper also rolled “The Zoologist” as a LTW but I nixed it. Then he rolled “Lifestyle of the Rich and Famous” but I nixed that too because the last time I tried to fulfill it with a legacy kid, the Glitchy Forces waged war on us and won. Finally he rolled “World-Renowned Surgeon,” which is boring but doable. So I plonked him down at Tewlopher’s Friendship Chess Table and decreased his screen time by about 70%. 😀

Ripper: Two players. Two sides. One is light, one is dark. Only one will come out alive.

Well, there’s no need to overdramatize things. You’re only prepping yourself for a career of saving lives is all.

Rotter: One does not simply end the chapter with a pile of disjointed screenshots.

Oh yeah? Watch me. 😉
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But seriously, I am so sick of this chapter that I just want to hit “Publish” and get it out of my face. The captions just haven’t been coming to me as easily as they normally do, and on multiple occasions I’ve gotten so frustrated with my inability to be funny that I’ve angrily shut down my computer and gone off to read trashy YA novels for anti-inspiration. Also, it took me forty-five minutes to come up with a title. In any case, it’s done now. I just hope this slump has nothing to do with the fact that school starts back up in three days, because I can’t exactly do anything to help that. Well, theoretically I could, but you know… I would kind of like to get a university degree and all. 😛

I will try to keep updating at least once a week, and keep on top of all your wonderful legacies as well. 🙂

Until next time, Happy Simming!