6.4 Once Upon a Nightmare

Funny story. So I’m at this quiet writing session at a local café, determined to pen some legacy words for the first time in three months. So far, I’ve stared at this page for a solid twenty minutes, trying to convince myself that I can write without caffeine. I can’t figure out where the self-serve coffee is, and the only way to find it is by blindly wandering through a minefield of easily-disturbed introverts.

Needless to say, addiction won out over anxiety (this time) and I made the expedition. Turns out it was ten steps long and only involved eye contact with like three people, but I still feel accomplished.

Now that we know how pathetic I am, let me remind you all what happened at the end of last chapter.

Frieda: What is that thing cleaning up our dishes? Did you buy an ogre slave?

Sky: Oh, that’s your son. I made him ugly so he can find his inner beauty and stuff.

5.14 Tentative Conclusion

Buckle ur seatbelts kiddos for u r about to read the most half-assed Langurd chapter ever written. I am so over Generation Five.

What’s that? Hold on a sec…

What do you mean this is my 100th post?! You mean I actually have to TRY? I’m not ready for this, dammit! I’m drinking mocha with Bailey’s and watching Project Runway out of my left eye!

Maybe that’s fitting, given that multitasking is the theme of this generation. And it’s been a successful theme if I may say so myself—all of the kids are (oxy)moronic in their own ways, but no one emblemizes the Age of Contradictions quite like Crash does. Athletic and a Genius, non-verbal and a total loose cannon… Oh, and his teen look may be based on this shit disturber:

5.13 Simply Brilliant

Well, I just finished a six-month temp contract at an office, wrapped up my first quidditch season as a coach, and filed my tax return. That’s enough adulting for a while, thanks.

Nobody illustrates my feelings quite like Skydancer.

Sky: I’m not even adulting. I’m literally living in this library, reading books on how to talk to people and never actually talking to people.

Welcome to the formal education system!

Sky: I don’t want it.

Yes, this one is still working on her Charisma. Quite frankly, after witnessing Galadriel Evans the Skilling Machine, I’m embarrassed for her. She’s supposed to be a Genius.

4.16 Bop It

Twist it! Pull it! Flick it!

…The most innuendo-filled game of your childhood.

But hey, now that I’ve ruined that for you, let me… ruin lots of other things as well. Welcome back to the Langurds!

Lira: I am Mrs. Nesbitt!

We already did that.

Lira: But the readers liked it!

That doesn’t mean we get to repeat stuff.

Lira: Uh, yeah. It’s called a SEQUEL.

Okay, fine. Presenting: “Lira Drinks Tea 2: This Time with Wings.”

1.11 Goin’ Nowhurr Fast

Hi guys! So… I caved and bought Showtime today. My brother dragged me out to Walmart for free My Little Pony posters, and it was sitting there all temptingly on the shelf in its sparkly blue case. I like cases—they look pretty on my shelves. I’ve been trying to save money but I just don’t think I can live this way. I’m dying to install it now, but I figure I should get through the rest of this captioning first so here I am SLAVING AWAY over pretty pictures like the good little Simmer I am. Are you proud of me? …No? Fine then. I’ll hand things over to Tewl and Morgana, your favourite people in the whole wide world!

Morgana: Why don’t YOU do the chapter recap, since you’re such an asshole?

Tewl: Derrr, me? I wouldn’t know what ta say…

Morgana: How about you cheated on me with fucking Pauline Wan and I found out about it from our two-year-old daughter, whom you took as a wingman on your first date?

Tewl: Ya, I guess dat is kinda true.

Morgana: Forget it, I’m done with your crap! You’re a scumbag twat and this legacy is STUPID!

Ohhhhkay. Remind me never to let you guys introduce another chapter.

1.8 Angellz ‘n’ Demunz

And once more, welcome back! If I end up posting this when I mean to, I must say that I’m rather shocked at my own productivity. If not, well… there’s really nothing new there, and I apologize for my lazy butt.

In any case, I guess I have no choice but to be productive from this point forward. I’ve officially played through as much of Generation One as I can without posting an heir poll (spoiler alert: I’m absofrigginlutely excited for that) so now I just have to caption a bajillion screenshots. Let’s get started on some of that, shall we?

Last chapter, the boys became BACHILLERZ NO MOAR when Morgana and Tuesday moved in to their pad, which is also no longer a pad because we used all of Morgana’s money to build a real house. YAY. Then, Chris and Tuesday got married at a party that may go down in Sim history as the most awkward social gathering ever. That party wasn’t quite over when I ran out of steam last chapter, so I guess it’s back into the chaos we go.

Most of the guests did the right thing and ditched after Round 27 of Let’s-All-Try-to-Walk-through-this-Two-Foot-Gap-at-the-Same-Time-Ready-Go, everyone’s favourite party game. Some, however, did not.

Boyd, for one, was still absurdly determined to woo Tewl’s girlfriend. Like, what the hell?

Boyd: Now hold up a second, Morgana. I am a scientist. I can provide for you. Are you honestly saying you’d rather stay with this tool of a man?

Morgana: Yes, Boyd. You’re a raisin, not to mention one hundred percent crazy. You’re a crazy raisin. A craisin! I can’t date a craisin.

Pauline: Oh-ho-ho! Check out Tuesday getting mauled by that door! What a loser, amirite?

NO ONE LIKES YOU, PAULINE.

Tuesday: I am not at all impressed.