4.12 My Baby All Gone

Lt. Surge: Greetings, scum. As the master of this household, I have taken over narration duties for the time being. The coup was easy; Sam is a creature of very little willpower, known to melt in the presence of cats. She lets us sleep in her clean laundry and chew on her headphone cords because she doesn’t have the heart to tell us no. All I had to do was sit up here and make this face, and she immediately bumped my picture to the top of the chapter. Pathetic.

Lt Surge: This is my human, Malissa. She recently produced a tiny human, but she knows where her duties lie. The elderly human guards the baby jail instead. I may have to hijack her as well; she seems to speak the language of cats.

Katana: I got up at noon for this?

Lt Surge: This is Niall, the new cat. She may be named after an Irish boy band member, but she is classy and sophisticated.

Niall: *snore*

Lt Surge: Here is Niall running to my front doorstep because she can’t resist me. So long, peons, for I must appease the lady.

Sorry about that. Cats… what can you do? Let’s get back to it. Even as a new parent, Balboa manages to get obscene amounts of shuteye.

Balboa: Rolling Heavy Sleeper was the best idea I ever had!

That’s quite sad, considering you had it as a fetus.

Tewl: What’s dis, a ginger milf? Da Flayme likes gingers.

Stop. When did you ever date a ginger?

Crazy to think that this crackhappy little burrito is Tewl’s great-great-grandson.

Mandrake: Mommy staaahp!

Malissa: Is this blanket made of hemp?

Weston is not dead yet. That’s pretty much all I can say about him in this chapter.

(He is younger than Katana by a little bit. If keeping him means I get to keep her longer, then I guess I’m willing to pay the price.)

I mean, she’s just so useful! What are we gonna do without her and her magic hammer? (Why does that sound dirty?)

Katana: Sure… I’m definitely fixing this, and not chipping off nuggets to sell on the black market.

Lev: So if you ever need a babysitter, let me know, okay? I’m just in the other house and I’m pretty much doing nothing all the time.

Malissa: Sick of yo shit.

Lev: What?

Malissa: Oh, did I say that in real life?

Lev: Seriously, I’m right here if you ever need me.

SHE DOESN’T. Don’t you have a LTW you should be working on?

Lira: I did it. I made a baby.

And I am officially terrified, so goodbye now, enjoy the pregnancy.

In the meantime, let’s skedaddle off to Simagon Alley with her brother! *fangirls*

What a great place to ride your Cleansweep into a gathering of simselves.

Julia: I’m a gathering?

Nope, you’ve also got Idiot!Sam to keep you company.

Boa: Hey, you’re cool. *heartfarts*

Sam: OMG Boa, you can’t just hit on the readers! Stop screwing up my plans!

Boa: This is for being a better overlord than Sam is.

Sam: Hey what?

Julia: Guess there are worse things my shoes could be soaked in, eh Sam?

Sam: Oh, that’s just great. You two enjoy your little Jar of Friendship and I’ll just stand over here.

Boa: Don’t worry — I’ve got one for you, too!

Sam: Of course you do. I knew my own sim could never betray me.

Julia: Ten bucks says this one can.

Balboa: Here you are.

Sam: What was that? This doesn’t feel right.

Julia: Can I eat now?

Balboa: Jar of Discord, bitch! On behalf of the readers and me, that’s for those FOUR university chapters!

Julia: Hahahahahahaha

Julia: Fight! Fight! Fight!

Boa let his bees do the fighting for him.

Balboa: It’s for the quota. You’re willing to make that sacrifice, right?

Boa: Minions, attack.

Ghost: Good heavens!

I think maybe Boa’s just generally a dick.

Newest family weirdness: Azula keeps inviting us to parties in her tiny crapshack, only to be the worst hostess ever.

Azula: You didn’t finish your dinner!

Katana: You didn’t serve dinner!

Katana: Hi, Boyd. You have a new little cousin just a few blocks away.

Azula: No he doesn’t, don’t tell him that.

Yes, it’s clear that the main branch of this family has turned out to be the black sheep. The rotten limb. Whatever you want to call it.

Azula: How are you and Tommy doing? I heard someone’s horrible son tried to split you two apart.

Gabby: Yes, I absolutely did not respond to his advances in the slightest.

Katana: Don’t mind me, just MAKING THE DINNER for your DINNER PARTY.

Gabby: Oh, and our little Jaime and his wife just had a baby girl! She was actually born before that pothead’s son, so she’s the first great-great-grandchild of the line.

Azula: How wonderful.

Yes, the spares won that race again, but I forgot to include this pop-up in the last chapter:

Jaime, Janel, and Jerri. Move over, Kardashians.

When Katana was staring out the window before, she wasn’t just watching the clouds roll by. Somebody else was rolling by, and he was out for puppy blood.

Katana: Party pooper.

Grim: That is one of the names I go by, yes.

Gabby: Hahahaha, the dog died! What a riot!

Katana: The fuck is wrong with you?

Gabby: Oh, yes. I am sad. Much sad.

It’s like watching Marley and Me with someone who has never owned an animal.

Azula: You couldn’t have done this at someone else’s party?

Niall: Yeh can’t “own” an animal! Niall is a free kitteh! Free from human tyranny and the English Yoke!

Sorry for the mess, I’m a puddle on the floor now.

Malissa: Mommy’s here, Mandrake.

Lira: Don’t worry, I’m putting him back where he belongs.

Dammit Malissa, your guard-dog skills need some work. Just look at that colour clash… that’s how well Lira and motherhood go together.

Lira: I’m trying to make a sale here, can people stop moving the merchandise?

I see how it is.

Boa: How do I dishes? *breaks plate*

Lira: YOU MURDERER!!

We’ll acquit Balboa of his mistreatment of fine china for now, since we have a birthday to celebrate.

Lira: This is no birthday, I am whistling a mourning hymn!

Malissa: Can you whistle it somewhere else?

Lev: Am I late for my son’s birthday?

Malissa: Not your son.

No, he is DEFINITELY Balboa’s. Too early to tell, but I think I spy a faceclone.

At least he has pretty brown eyes (a first for this family), but I think they come from Dax, not Malissa. And that hair? It’s not even Malissa’s ginger — it’s also Dax’s. You can tell from the brownish roots, which I think are a Frio thing. You know, I actually wasn’t clear on Old Peabrain’s parentage until now, but I got curious while writing this post and loaded an old save file. Turns out his father was Xander Clavell (oh shit). I knew his mother was Sandi French, but (noob that I am) I didn’t realize Sandi’s father was Jared Frio. Gads, look at all that Sunset Valley blood in the Langurd mixing pot.

Lev finally got her chance to babysit as she took Mandrake for his first potty training session.

Lev: I’m so good at this! That is a totally normal way for a toddler’s knee to twist!

His parents were happy enough to oblige… or at least I assume they were, since they wandered off with their cake to the farthest possible table.

Malissa: We are definitely in our living room.

Lev’s help also gave them a chance to finish some little things…

…you know, like this.

Congratulations, you dealt and ingested 50 vials of potentially harmful, mind-altering substances! What an achievement.

With that out of the way, Balboa was able to get back to his one true love.

Boa: OH HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU!

Yeah, no kidding. You eat one bean and suddenly life is beans, and beans are life, and beans are all that matter.

This storyline isn’t even funny anymore… this is how addiction really works.

Boa: Yay, happy bean.

Malissa: No fair, I always get the dud batch!

Hey Joy and Sadness, time to get back in Riley’s head now.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty excited for that movie.

Malboa: No can do, it’s litterbox time!

Well, I guess married couples who… scoop up cat turds together, stay together…?

Yes, Boa leads a sweet and simple life now. I think I can allow it — the guy’s still a young adult and he’s already produced an heir and fulfilled his life’s ambition. (Only made possible by all that time I bought at university. 😉 )

Meanwhile, others are just starting out on their paths of destiny…

I was amused — but not as amused as when I saw that I had named this screencap “Drachrobat.”

Lira is considerably behind on her own path, but I suppose there are some setbacks when you’re the one who actually carries the child.

Lira: What setbacks?

You know, explosives… radiation… power tools…

Lira: Oh, that’s all?

Katana sets a shining example for all her children. Work, sleep, rinse, repeat.

Katana: Take out the rinse part.

You know, I honestly thought Lira would be more bothered by the pregnancy thing. It’s almost like she’s not aware of the bump at all.

Lira: Oh, I’m aware of it. It’s warping the waistband on my pretty dress.

Yeah, maybe that wasn’t the best choice of maternity wear…

I’m not really sure what Weston gets up to these days. I think he’s still in the medical career? Mostly he just mills around aimlessly.

Weston: I’m tired.

That explains this situation perfectly.

Weston: Nice night for a midnight dip, eh?

Marilyn Manson: No.

Weston: *gurgle*

Weston: *blub*

Weston: Jk haters, I’m still here.

Background shark: Dammit! How does he do it??

Like I said, Weston’s not dead yet.

Boa clone or not, Mandrake is a dang cute toddler.

Mandrake: Mommy, you smell like candy!

Malissa: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Yeah, absolutely no idea.

Razor: Hello Chris. You never were very good at rendering.

Chris: Shut up, man.

The jelly bean garden attracts all kinds.

Razor: Well, goodbye now.

Nice to see you too, 12% of Razor.

Malissa: When life gives you lemons, turn yellow!

Solid life advice right there.

Dreaming of true love… Maybe Lira is susceptible to hormones after all.

Lira: Please! I’m dreaming of the artificial heart I will put in my Buzz Lightyear.

Nice try, we all know you want to follow your alien sweetheart to Alabama.

(Still a better love story than Twilight.)

Balboa: Do you think I eat too many jellybeans?

Do what makes you happy, kid.

Balboa: JELLYBEANS 5EVER, MAN

Unfortunately these self-destructive behaviours aren’t contained to the legacy family; we’re starting to ruin the lives of random passersby as well. Remind me to put a lock on that garden gate.

Paparazzi Druggie: Unnngghh, where am I?

Katana must know we’re tight on money because she rolled the wish to hire a butler. She must also know that I’ve been watching Downton Abbey and wouldn’t be able to resist the temptation.

Katana: Let me count how many fucks I give… one… two… none… okay.

Katana: Send me your most expensive butler, please. Preferably a Mr. Carson.

Gena: Will I be sufficient?

Great, we called for Carson and instead they sent us a reject from the Clown Academy.

Which, actually — if you’re familiar with Downton — isn’t that far off…

(Carson’s on the left. Don’t tell him I showed you this.)

Lira, what are you doing?

Lira: I’m just going to live in the bathtub from now on.

Why?

Lira: It’s a lot easier than going to the toilet every five minutes.

Did NOT need to know that. Anyway, what happened to “This pregnancy isn’t affecting me at all”?

Lira: I lied, okay? This unnatural abscess is eroding my porcelain interior. It’s making me feel things and want things, and I have the strangest need to eat food all the time!

Welcome to humanity.

Lira: Never! I will forcibly eject this thing from my body before I let that happen!

Sorry, but you can’t do that—

Lira: It’s working! IT’S WORKING!

And out of the fires was born Gumby Langurd, Lira’s little green blob of freakishness.

Gumby: *alien wail*

Yep, he’s an alien alright. He’s also an Athlete (pod racer?) who loves the heat (perfect) as well as pumpkin pie, violet, and Indie music. He’s a Libra born at 3:35pm on a Tuesday, and he’s named after this messed-up chunk of plasticine celery:

Gee, I wonder what Lira’s name scheme is? 😛

Lira: My job here is done. Only one thing left to do.

These new baby play mats make proper parenting a thing of the past.

Lira: Actually, make that two things.

Let’s face it, this is probably the only reason she wanted a baby.

Lira: Welp, see ya Gumby. I’m outta here!

I would include her time travel pop-ups, but they’re about as exciting as the ones from prom. Into the Future pretty much made this facet of gameplay useless anyway — gotta love when EPs make other EPs obsolete. 😉

Actually, I’ll include this one for the sake of why can’t I find work as an editor when this kind of thing exists?

Kind of exciting to see the family tree with five generations! And guess what? This is officially as far as I have gotten in any of my previous legacies! I think the Harveys (about eight years ago) had a Gen. 5 offspring in the child stage, but y’know, technicalities. I never blogged this far with them, so ha-ha, I win! …Against myself. Tbh, I’m my favourite opponent because I’m usually pretty easy to beat.

Also: note the Drachrobat in her bold new get-up.

A birthday? We’re on Chapter 12… How are you still so young??

Balboa: I love my life, bring on the next phase!

Balboa: Actually, there are a few changes I’d like to make…

Oh, come ON. I knew you guys weren’t a hundred percent committed to each other, but I just thought you were non-commital in general. Divorce is a pretty big commitment.

Then again, so is a fifty-year marriage, and yet…

This happened.

And Gabby’s husband decided to play the game, too.

Stop it, Langurds. Just stop. Every one of you is a disgrace.

Lira: I’ve changed my mind! I’m coming back to you, Gumby! Pineapple 2.0 just isn’t the same without my precious baby doll!

I knew Lira would come around. This guy is quite the charmer.

Gumby: *alien wail*

We’re leaving now.

Malissa: How’s it going, Gena?

Gena: Everything is in order, ma’am. The baby is napping safely in his crib.

Malissa: Are you sure?

Gena: Yes, ma’am. Nothing gets past me.

Nobody does anything useful around here anymore because they’re all addicted to the snow cone machine.

Lev: Oh so berry blue!

For the love of God, do something with your life. You can’t just bum around here forever.

Only heirs get that luxury.

(Looks like yellow is Katana’s favourite flavour. She would enjoy that irony.)

Speaking of luxury — at 90 days old, I decided Katana had finally done her part for the family.

Katana: You think?

Happy retirement, Grumpy Kat!

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And Happy Simming to all of you! I’m too lazy to write a proper sign-off, and I’m just going to go and the start the next chapter anyway. 😛

-Sam